Venting Self hating spiral

[Someplace_nice]

Ik it's a little dramatic but with all the stress, I either want to sow my mouth shut for the rest of my life or just fucking CTB. Nothing good comes from my mouth and I can't shut the fuck up, no matter what I try I just keep fucking yapping thinking what I have to say has any weight to it. I just keep ruining my hubby's mood when I open my mouth, he is stressing enough it's time for me to be strong again and keep my emotions in until the storm blows over, than I can let it all out and have a break down. I wish I wasn't such a good for nothing parasite that brings nothing but bad things. Maybe my friend is right and I shouldn't have a baby bc I'm such a fucked up person, even if I am the best person in the world to that child I'll end up fucking them over in the end. I'll make the child want to CTB like their mother. I want to just do it and end all the pain I cause everyone around me, I just want to be better but no matter what I do I still end up bad, mean, and cruel. I hate myself for everything that I am and for everything that I'll ever be, I don't deserve the kindness of my husband, I deserve someone just as mean, cruel, and nasty as me. I am noting but scum while my husband is a literal god of a man and the most kind, caring, and gentle man I've ever met. He deserves someone so much better, someone who can give him that light back in return and not just take it and put it out.

 

[timf]

There is that in all of us that is selfish, self-centered, and self-destructive. Some of us more than others. In order to change the Stoics thought that summoning the strength of will could make a person virtuous. The Buddhists say that meditation is the key to transformation. Christians say that trusting in Jesus is the way to be set free from our compulsive destructive nature.

Some religions suggest fasting (abstaining from food) as a discipline. You might try abstaining from speaking. If you instead communicate by writing for a period of time, it might help you develop the discipline to speak less impulsively. You could make a game of it.