Self Hate: You were gaslighted and programmed.

[Meditation guide]

So many here express self hatred. Here is where it started:

 

[Soulless Angel]

I guess in some ways this falls back to something I once heard, if you are told something often enough you start to believe it, and that kinda hits in here, when you are a small child constantly being told you are fat, ugly useless and so on, you start to believe it, and when you believe it you become it.

 

[Shadowrider]

Yes it's true. If you hear "you are ugly, bad, good for nothing" and so on, you are going to accept it.

Once I heard something in the direction of "Be careful how you speak to your kid. The way you talk to him/her will become his/her inner voice."

Mine is cruel, hypercritical, sarcastic, incredibly insensitive and cynical and always tries to find at least one thing that can be criticized. And it points at every single detail that can be criticized.
And it can be very enraged, humiliating me without control. It blames me for everything. It says it's always my fault.

Oh no, it cannot be that woman who gave birth to me! She was always so nice - at least, when others witnessed how she behaved - and everyone thought she was a lovely person. Who would assume that my incredibly cruel and unjusticeful inner vioce has anything to do with her? Oh no. She's so nice. Everybody says so. So I must be very bad and wicked.

Yes I was gaslighted it seems. I was programmed - to be a scapegoat and a doormat.

 

[262653]

I oftenly used to call myself an idiot whenever I made mistakes. Then at some point I've figured that, as I was growing up, another family member of mine consistently called me an idiot when I made mistakes. Conscious effort was taken to overwrite this bad habit which turned out to be totally worth my while.

 

[AE2021]

Yes it's true. If you hear "you are ugly, bad, good for nothing" and so on, you are going to accept it.

Once I heard something in the direction of "Be careful how you speak to your kid. The way you talk to him/her will become his/her inner voice."

Mine is cruel, hypercritical, sarcastic, incredibly insensitive and cynical and always tries to find at least one thing that can be criticized. And it points at every single detail that can be criticized.
And it can be very enraged, humiliating me without control. It blames me for everything. It says it's always my fault.

Oh no, it cannot be that woman who gave birth to me! She was always so nice - at least, when others witnessed how she behaved - and everyone thought she was a lovely person. Who would assume that my incredibly cruel and unjusticeful inner vioce has anything to do with her? Oh no. She's so nice. Everybody says so. So I must be very bad and wicked.

Yes I was gaslighted it seems. I was programmed - to be a scapegoat and a doormat.

That really mirrors what my situation was growing up. It is amazing that I made it through with any sense of self left in tact. I was able to make some positive changes in that inner dialog when I was fortunate enough to find a therapist who helped me understand that I did not owe my mother anything and could cut the ties with her if I wanted. That was all I needed to hear and worked fairly swiftly to cut loose from her. Have not had contact with her in decades and better off for it, however that does not mean that I don't have lifelong scars that have forever impacted my life in a huge and unfortunate way.

 

[Life_and_Death]

Not for me. No one's ever told me anything negitive. Well everyone's got the occasional comment they've heard but it's never been a constant "youre...." guess I wasn't 'programmed'.

 

[Shadowrider]

That really mirrors what my situation was growing up. It is amazing that I made it through with any sense of self left in tact. I was able to make some positive changes in that inner dialog when I was fortunate enough to find a therapist who helped me understand that I did not owe my mother anything and could cut the ties with her if I wanted. That was all I needed to hear and worked fairly swiftly to cut loose from her. Have not had contact with her in decades and better off for it, however that does not mean that I don't have lifelong scars that have forever impacted my life in a huge and unfortunate way.

If only I could say anything sensible. Sadly, I cannot.
Sometimes I wonder why people insist on producing kids? The only thing they seem to need is a punching bag. And one's kid should not be one's universal punching bag. Ever.

Good to know your therapist encouraged you to cut contact with your toxic mother! She cannot hurt you any more.

Yes, this is very familiar: even if you haven't had contact with your abusive parent(s) for years or even decades, you might still have the scars :(

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Didn't watch the video but I definitely think this is true for me. My dad used to criticize every little mistake I made which instead of leading to me correcting those mistakes usually just meant I had to find ways to hide them or whatever. When I stopped living with him my self hate definitely intensified to replace his criticism probably.

That said, as awful and abusive as he was I can at least tell my dad loved me but I think if he was in my head and knew just how low I could get he wouldn't. That's where my self hate comes from now. I know what I'm capable of and none of it is good. I think now my self hate is definitely quite deserved because it's the only thing keeping me in check. Without it I'd go on to hurt even more people for my own amusement.

Even when I was in kindergarten other students made fun of me for being stupid (I thought that the number after 100 was 200) and poor (which I was in comparison to all the other students in my class because I went to a private school). Just because they were mean about it doesn't mean they were wrong though. At least now I know that my self loathing comes from objective truth instead of people's perceptions of me.

 

[NeverSatisfied]

#deep. Kinda sarcastic but for real though. I listened to this cleaning my room and it's crazy seeing how much of a reflection some of the worst adults/ "caregivers" and "friends" had on the rest of my life while I was growing up. Thanks for posting this, it really gives me some things to think about and a way to reflect deeper on my negative self-talk.

 

[MrBlue]

While I think I began hating myself because of what others thought and called me, the fact is everything I think I am is objectively true. There isn't any evidence to disprove that I'm not ugly, or unlikable, or unlovable, or untalented etc. My negative self talk is completely correct, I should hate myself.

 

[Meditation guide]

the fact is everything I think I am is objectively true. There isn't any evidence to disprove that I'm not ugly, or unlikable, or unlovable, or untalented etc. My negative self talk is completely correct, I should hate myself.

The ugliest most unlikable people in the world don't think that way. It's how you were programmed to think. I know it feels like your own thoughts but they were implanted by others.

 

[MrBlue]

The ugliest most unlikable people in the world don't think that way. It's how you were programmed to think. I know it feels like your own thoughts but they were implanted by others.

Even still, that doesn't mean that they're not right. Like I said I have no evidence to suggest otherwise. I know most people can rationalise their self hatred away by saying "well I'm good at that/that person loves/likes me/I've done this etc" but I simply can't.

I didn't mean to discredit the video or anything, I imagine for most people separating their internal voice from their external reality can be incredibly helpful in recovery.

 

[Meditation guide]

Even still, that doesn't mean that they're not right. Like I said I have no evidence to suggest otherwise. I know most people can rationalise their self hatred away by saying "well I'm good at that/that person loves/likes me/I've done this etc" but I simply can't.

I didn't mean to discredit the video or anything, I imagine for most people separating their internal voice from their external reality can be incredibly helpful in recovery.

You don't understand. People simply don't think in terms like that unless they were programmed that way. No one does. Not even Hitler. Not Frankenstein.
They don't have that internal voice at all. You internalized what you were told. It would never occur to anyone to do that.
I guess it's hard to convince people of this.

 

[Shadowrider]

While I think I began hating myself because of what others thought and called me, the fact is everything I think I am is objectively true. There isn't any evidence to disprove that I'm not ugly, or unlikable, or unlovable, or untalented etc. My negative self talk is completely correct, I should hate myself.

I don't want to mention names, but ugly, gross mass murderers who committed incredible deeds - motivated by insane ideologies and hatred against everyone who's not exactly like them - don't seem to hate themselves or have any negative self-talk. Quite the contrary. Many of them live in the illusion of being right, even heroic.
Why should your negative self-talk be completely correct, then? I assume you are not a mass murderer who is a fanatic follower of any hate ideology :)

 

[Life_and_Death]

I don't want to mention names, but ugly, gross mass murderers who committed incredible deeds - motivated by insane ideologies and hatred against everyone who's not exactly like them - don't seem to hate themselves or have any negative self-talk. Quite the contrary. Many of them live in the illusion of being right, even heroic.
Why should your negative self-talk be completely correct, then? I assume you are not a mass murderer who is a fanatic follower of any hate ideology :)

It's like one of those stupid tests or horoscopes. It might fit the majority but not everyone

 

[Meditation guide]

That shit is programmed in to a child's brain as if it is hardwired in. They need to realize that.

 

[Water-Lily]

Yes it's true. If you hear "you are ugly, bad, good for nothing" and so on, you are going to accept it.

Once I heard something in the direction of "Be careful how you speak to your kid. The way you talk to him/her will become his/her inner voice."

Mine is cruel, hypercritical, sarcastic, incredibly insensitive and cynical and always tries to find at least one thing that can be criticized. And it points at every single detail that can be criticized.
And it can be very enraged, humiliating me without control. It blames me for everything. It says it's always my fault.

Oh no, it cannot be that woman who gave birth to me! She was always so nice - at least, when others witnessed how she behaved - and everyone thought she was a lovely person. Who would assume that my incredibly cruel and unjusticeful inner vioce has anything to do with her? Oh no. She's so nice. Everybody says so. So I must be very bad and wicked.

Yes I was gaslighted it seems. I was programmed - to be a scapegoat and a doormat.

My mom knew how to switch herself. In public she was an angel. At home she would abuse me

 

[Shadowrider]

My mom knew how to switch herself. In public she was an angel. At home she would abuse me

This is so typical of abusive parents. They usually know how to pretend and how to get reputation as "Teh Exemplary Parent". This way, nobody believes what their abused children tell about.

 

[Water-Lily]

This is so typical of abusive parents. They usually know how to pretend and how to get reputation as "Teh Exemplary Parent". This way, nobody believes what their abused children tell about.

Exactly. Makes me wonder why the fuck my mom gave brith to me if she was gonna hurt me. And my dad failed abusing me as well!

 

[saltshaker]

I actually don't hate myself at all come to think of it. My reasons for wanting to die are purely because i dislike the world around me.

 

[Makko]

I don't want to mention names, but ugly, gross mass murderers who committed incredible deeds - motivated by insane ideologies and hatred against everyone who's not exactly like them - don't seem to hate themselves or have any negative self-talk. Quite the contrary. Many of them live in the illusion of being right, even heroic.
Why should your negative self-talk be completely correct, then? I assume you are not a mass murderer who is a fanatic follower of any hate ideology :)

The keyword here is "incredible deeds", which is the bedrock of high self-esteem. The moral character of the deeds is an unrelated subject. Nothing fuels self-hatred more than having accomplished nothing at all.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I don't want to mention names, but ugly, gross mass murderers who committed incredible deeds - motivated by insane ideologies and hatred against everyone who's not exactly like them - don't seem to hate themselves or have any negative self-talk. Quite the contrary. Many of them live in the illusion of being right, even heroic.
Why should your negative self-talk be completely correct, then? I assume you are not a mass murderer who is a fanatic follower of any hate ideology :)

Maybe they were self hating at one point but then positivity actually worked on them and caused them to be so full of themselves they were able to go on to do the deeds that they did.

As an example let's take like the ultimate big bad Hitler: he probably was actually somewhat self-hating. He failed art school which must have dealt quite a blow to his self esteem and his idea of a perfect race was blonde with blue eyes, neither of which applied to him. At least he got out of his self loathing by gaining pride in his country which totally went really well I'm sure.

Obviously not every self hating person is Hitler, but I truly don't believe self loathing and evil are mutually exclusive at all in fact there's plenty of room for overlap. How can you expect everyone who truly hates and has no respect for themselves to not also be able to hate/disrespect other people?

 

[Meditation guide]

There is a thread about self hating gays here which this probably applies to.

 

[Shadowrider]

The keyword here is "incredible deeds", which is the bedrock of high self-esteem. The moral character of the deeds is an unrelated subject. Nothing fuels self-hatred more than having accomplished nothing at all.

Yes it's true. I assume they wanted to compensate their low low self-esteem by doing something remarkable.
They obviously didn't give a damn about the moral character - they probably wanted to be special, wanted to be remembered for having done something grandiose. So they did what they did in aim to escape the self-hatred they were unable to cope with.

 

[Callie Arcale]

I guess I am really fucked up... My folks were so kind to me growing up, I don't think a day passed by without hugs and nice words. They did everything for me and I have so much respect and love for them. Always have and always will.

I don't know why I hate myself so much. I literally do hate myself - every tiny millimeter of my body, every word, every thought, even this message.

I guess it's my mental and physical health that makes me loathe everything that has to do with me. My bad health has ruined me :-(

 

[Last chance]

My step father was very cruel to me as I was growing up. One particular time he locked me in a room with him and spent half an hour going through my school report and telling me how shit I was. I eventually got up and tried to escape but he wouldnt let me out of the door. My mother was banging on the other side trying to get me out and eventually he opened the door enough for me to squeexe through. He chased me through the house and dragged me back into the room by my hair so he could continue to put me down.

There were a few other incidents like this as I was growing up and I spent most of my childhood being afraid on some level depending on his mood.

I really think this is why I feel so bad about myself as a 37 year old man. I crave love and will do anything for it and when I get it and then lose it it hits me really,really hard. I hate myself and I feel as though I am cursed and I am sick of the cycles of thinking everything is going to be alright and then my legs getting kicked out from underneath me.

Im very,very low at the moment and as I have been here so many times I know what I have yet to go through. That's why this time I am giving up and ctb. I cant go through it all again this time or when it happens again in the future.

 

[AnnonyBox]

So many here express self hatred. Here is where it started:

Thank you for this post

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

I guess when I really think about it, my critical inner voice is oddly similar to my mother.
I just mentioned this recently, but her ideal punishment was humiliation and ridicule and one of my biggest problems now is that I feel incredibly embarrassed and ashamed about everything I do and say. The overwhelming majority of my memories are embarrassing to me, even if I know that logically they shouldn't be, and I'm constantly ridiculing myself.

 

[Meditation guide]

I guess when I really think about it, my critical inner voice is oddly similar to my mother.
I just mentioned this recently, but her ideal punishment was humiliation and ridicule and one of my biggest problems now is that I feel incredibly embarrassed and ashamed about everything I do and say. The overwhelming majority of my memories are embarrassing to me, even if I know that logically they shouldn't be, and I'm constantly ridiculing myself.

So now you know where that came from. I hope you can let all that go now that you understand it.

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

So now you know where that came from. I hope you can let all that go now that you understand it.

I think cognitive behavioral therapy could benefit people for this problem.
Also, I don't think it's always parents that influences someone's inner voice. It could also be peers, the media, society in general. Which could explain why even people with the most loving parents can have a very critical inner voice.