Venting Self harming bc of my body and my life

[tj3333]

I might have body dysmorphia but body dysmorphia is for attractive people, just like everything is. Not sure what to call it, but I can't seem to find feelings of affection or romance for anyone who isn't a celebrity who will never know me and would never want me anyway. I wish I could just stop eating. My ideation is returning and it feels like the idea of CTB is so much more of a relief than sticking it out just to find out how disappointing the average person's life is.

 

[Chaestergram]

Body dysmorphia is definitely not *just* for attractive people, I heard that shit so many times but no it is not, it's not because one doesn't found themselves attractive that it means they can't actually have this disorder cause otherwise "attractive people" wouldn't even got it in the first place, the difference I guess (or at least how I feel) is that they're aware, i mean personally I would be dumb enough if I wouldn't realize it, but can't help it.

You don't have to get feelings for the everyday life people and if you don't actually met someone interesting to you it sure won't happen but there's nothing wrong with that, less problem, more time that can be use in something useful instead of someone else child

 

[little helpers]

this is by no means meant to be a diagnosis *or* invalidation but OP, body dysmorphia is *not* about attraction. usually it presents as persistently trying to "fix" one or several body parts and no matter how much person does it, overdoes it, they find a wrong with it. also obsessively checking to see if the "fixing" has fallen out. most of the times person isn't even believing they can get something out of this. but just can't stand it. how it appears and how it makes themself feel.

it differs from body image issues in the sense that it's typically fixated on one thing at a time, very tiny, specific things, and it's more *behavioral* than perceptual. perspectives can feed into this but ultimately it's the behavior that brings (temporary) relief. also from dysphoria in the way that it's usually asking for something "unrealistic", whereas dysphoric trans folx typically accept how their bodies look on HRT or after GRS.

hope this clarifies something for you.

 

[FuneralCry]

Living can be very painful, as there is no escape from ourselves and our thoughts. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[tj3333]

this is by no means meant to be a diagnosis *or* invalidation but OP, body dysmorphia is *not* about attraction. usually it presents as persistently trying to "fix" one or several body parts and no matter how much person does it, overdoes it, they find a wrong with it. also obsessively checking to see if the "fixing" has fallen out. most of the times person isn't even believing they can get something out of this. but just can't stand it. how it appears and how it makes themself feel.

it differs from body image issues in the sense that it's typically fixated on one thing at a time, very tiny, specific things, and it's more *behavioral* than perceptual. perspectives can feed into this but ultimately it's the behavior that brings (temporary) relief. also from dysphoria in the way that it's usually asking for something "unrealistic", whereas dysphoric trans folx typically accept how their bodies look on HRT or after GRS.

hope this clarifies something for you.

yes it does.

I might have body dysmorphia but body dysmorphia is for attractive people, just like everything is. Not sure what to call it, but I can't seem to find feelings of affection or romance for anyone who isn't a celebrity who will never know me and would never want me anyway. I wish I could just stop eating. My ideation is returning and it feels like the idea of CTB is so much more of a relief than sticking it out just to find out how disappointing the average person's life is.

your body is all that matters if you're a woman, if you don't have that people ignore you or treat you like you're expendable
seeing people happy because of the way they get to look all the time makes me want to die more and more every day

 

[little helpers]

your body is all that matters if you're a woman, if you don't have that people ignore you or treat you like you're expendable

unfortunately this is how this sexist fucking society works a lot of the times, if not most or all of the time, currently. I'm afab. been there knows that. :(

going back to your original post. would you say it has more to do with glamorization/consumerism (i.e. perspectives) or like the rationalizing part of an ED (where perspectives don't really change things too much)? I hope to know more if you're comfortable sharing.

 

[tj3333]

i'm honestly........... like it has to do with the male gaze and feeling like i'll never be lovable. like i don't have the right body no matter how much i could try and go to the gym and modify it it would be the wrong body. like it's simply the incorrect kind of body and i just want to leave it. and the fact that having the right body just opens up so many doors for you right out of the getgo and some people just get to have that, they know it, and they shove it in everyone's faces makes me so angry. sometimes in life, all you get to be is dumpy and mentally ill. what;s the point of being alive if you don't look right and everyone knows it.

 

[little helpers]

i'm honestly........... like it has to do with the male gaze and feeling like i'll never be lovable. like i don't have the right body no matter how much i could try and go to the gym and modify it it would be the wrong body. like it's simply the incorrect kind of body and i just want to leave it. and the fact that having the right body just opens up so many doors for you right out of the getgo and some people just get to have that, they know it, and they shove it in everyone's faces makes me so angry. sometimes in life, all you get to be is dumpy and mentally ill. what;s the point of being alive if you don't look right and everyone knows it.

can I say it has to do with worthiness?

I'm just bring this up to see if you relate. I assure you this is *not* meant as vilianizing or pathologizing of any sort. so, I happen to have two favorite Youtubers, both female, one has ASPD besides PTSD and depression (Jessica Kent, ex-inmate advocate), the other has both ASPD and NPD (Kanika Batra, model). I can tell they share the same sentiment about the body thing, if not explicitly voiced. I kinda just want to know how much your feeling of worthiness is based upon how your body looks. if it's *that* much or somewhat a lot.

the way I see this, sexism is fucking ruining every women's life. just look at the number of girls who get obsessed with dieting from a young age. sexism is fucking toxic. at the same time though, your background, and sometimes genetics, as in the case of neurodiversity, can play a huge role in how deep this socially-implanted sense of inferiority goes. if you've been body-shamed, constantly even; if sexism greatly exacerbates suffering from a preexisting neurodivergence.

just wanna make myself clear that I have no grudges against people with PD or cluster B PDs especially. if anyone does that is fucking ableist. *if* you happen to find yourself identifying with that, maybe you've found a cause to your suffering. and hopefully that'll make it easier for you finding support and resources. personally I'm not recommending dealing with the MH system. how it treats people with PDs is absolutely appalling.

 

[tj3333]

i do have bpd. having diagnoses hasn't helped thus far, i only feel stuck in them. i just also think it's easier to struggle if you fit that mold already. like i just don't sympathize with models at all, they have everything even if it sucks and they still struggle.
yeah, sexism ruins people's lives but mainly if you don't fit into its prescribed way of being. if you do and you still complain, i really don't know what can be said for that. not trying to be callous, i appreciate your response, i just don't feel bad for good looking people.

 

[little helpers]

having diagnoses hasn't helped thus far, i only feel stuck in them.

agreed. it's how a lot of people, including me, feel about the MH system/industry. no real tangible help, all condescending bastards. sigh. I feel your pain.