self harm

[annxietty]

Ive been self harm clean for some time, fortunately while its very addictive I was able to stop without much problem. Main reason I stopped was getting a job where I have to wear short sleeves all year, my arms have many scars, specially two big ones, one in each arm, but ive never been asked about it, tho I often catch my sister looking at them probably checking if there are more... I dont know what I would say if a coworker or costumer asked about my scars, most likely I would just laugh it off saying it was an accident of some sorts... i really dont know, but I really really dont want that to happen so I stopped self harming. Aside from cutting I would hit myself very hard until my arms were a mix of green, blue and purple, I quickly changed to my legs but its been a while since I had a fit of rage, im very apathetic, i just dont care... while i care a lot.

Im making this post because recently Ive been wanting to cut myself a lot, my scars are fading a bit and it gives me mixed feelings, while its a relief im not gonna get asked about it if they fade... I want them to stay... im sure many people can relate. The thing is, where I enjoy the most self harming is on my arms, cutting on my legs is not the same, it can still be effective but the arms are just perfect, BUT i cant cut there because I have to go to work... my therapist says is very good i care so much about work and not self harming cuz of it, but I still want to self harm...

How do you guys deal with this? I wish i could use my arms for sh and only me could see it, believe it or not this is one of the reasons I want to quit my job, I hate the short sleeves so much...

Ty for reading this.

 

[Spider Lilies]

I do relate to this a lot. I'm not sure i have any way to deal with this other than i just do? It feels miserable though, not being able to go where you want.

And the fading is definitely a conflicting comfort. The apathy yet still caring is like wanting to do something about it but you dont have the emotions to trigger it.

Also not sure if you live in an area where is just warm all year, but short sleeves year round would drive me nuts personally.