Venting Self Harm

[Polaris]

Hi there. So, this is a bit embarrassing to post, but I fucked up, and I want to talk about it. Shortly after I joined, I was forcibly hospitalized for the 3rd time. I was planning on partial suspension. However, until then, I started playing a fun game called "Find the radial artery." I lost every time, but the scar made it so that my blade could reenter the same area quickly and painlessly. This is the first time I've done it again since the hospital at the beginning of March, and guess who finally won? Shit, I got blood all over the carpet. It actually spurted out the second I hit it. I didn't hit it immediately. Like usual, I had a cut vertical on my wrist. The skin easily splits. I thought I'd try one last poke before calling it quits, and it ended up hitting the elusive target. So now, I'm sitting in a bath tub filled with much more blood than anticipated, wondering what I'm going to do before going to work. I can't tell anyone because I don't want to be locked up again, so you lucky internet users get to witness my situation. Also, for any users looking to slit your wrists, I can provide some first hand (ha) experience. Sorry for the sarcasm and humor. It's in poor taste, but I tend to resort to humor in moments of fear. ¯\(ツ)/¯
Update: the bleeding has stopped. Since I stopped after poking it, I didn't lose too much blood, although the bathtub looked like a crime scene. It took a little to scrub the dried blood off the sides and off the carpet. I'll live. This wasn't meant to be an attempt, but I learned a lot if I ever do want to go down this route. The internet always made slicing your wrists seem difficult and near impossible, but it's actually pretty easy. I guess they do that to dissuade people. It just takes practice, and each try is way easier than the last.

 

[Toenditall]

honestly id go to the hospital you wont ctb with this method yes youll get sectioned but you could face long last effects

 

[Polaris]

I really don't want to go back. I'm still facing the large bill from earlier this month. It is of no help, unfortunately.
When I CTB, it'll be with a different method. I don't see why this one wouldn't work though. Even just fucking around, it was a lot of blood. If I were serious about this method and continued, it seems highly likely to work.
After having to clean up the mess, I covered the cut and went to work. Besides dizziness, poor memory, and pain, I'm fine.
Personally, I'm going to talk to my doctor (without mentioning the wound). I'm no stranger to suicide or self harm, but this is the first time I felt so out of control. I think my new meds are making me unstable. I do this stuff to be in control, not out of impulse. It scares me how easily I lost myself in an impulse and couldn't stop. That's never how I wanted any of this.