Venting Self Harm Scars as a Man

[Pee Boy]

How do you deal with self harm scars as a man?

I am a man with self harm scars all over my left forearm, I can't wear short sleeved t-shirts ofcourse, and I have accepted that fact for many years, however, there's something that makes it very difficult for me to live with my scars and that is the opinions of others.

Why is it that men with self harm scars are seen as effeminate or girly? What does gender or sexuality even have to do with it? I once came clean to one of my friends about my scars and he jokingly said "are you one of those gay emos?"

It was a stupid joke and I laughed it off, however it still hurt you know and of course made me less confident in ever showing my arms again. I don't want to be seen as weak, I don't want to be seen as an easy target. Am I supposed to hide them for the rest of my life...

 

[aticeret]

Is there an option of laser removal? I've heard it gives good results.

 

[SeeminglyFine]

I dont want to disregard what you're feeling by commenting despite not having(visible/fully intentional) self harm scars, i did engage in self harm though to quiet down my mind, personally, i wouldnt want to be around people who would judge me for it, all my life i been with the mindset of: its better to show people who you are and see who stays and who leaves... so i often consider the struggles that i deal with, which are visible to other people as a good beneficial filtration system, but that only applies to people that i want to trust,

Therefore as for showing my weaknesses, for me the dillema is often a concern which comes down to: how will the person handle it, not so much to how will i be percieved.
as for people who are simply acquaintances, or who i inevitability come in contact with, or simply people who it would be inappropriate for them to know all about me, there is a need/interest to keep things private, everyone does that.

Being "forced" to be fully transparent all the time is not something that is "ok" to deal with, seriously, you can go easy on yourself for having a hard time dealing with this.

As for it being viewed "emo, gay, effiminate,girly", i suppose thats just because men and women are often dealing with emotional pain in different ways, theres a gender difference to drug preference statistically, but just because more men drink, doesnt mean women dont drink, and you dont often see people go around calling a female who holds a beer bottle masculine and lesbian.. people are just shallow, but i suggest you look at it from such perspectives like my example with alcohol, and see that its simply unfair.

Btw. I watched in youtube people talk about losing weight without having stretch marks by water fasting, supposedly autopaghy recycles the scar tissues,
i honestly hope that you dont simply start fasting just after reading it and risking your health without any knowledge about it, i dont know your health statues or if there are any contradictions in your situation.

Im high right now and getting emotional so il say this: many people's scars arent visible or physical and they often may choose whether to reveal them or not knowing who might or might not judge them harshly, or even who they can confide in.
dont treat yourself as wrongfully as other people may treat you, we all carry scars, some of us manage to stand tall despite them, or even because going through it, others judge themselves for not being able to deal with it, needlessly, unfortunatly.

 

[SamTam33]

...Why is it that men with self harm scars are seen as effeminate or girly? What does gender or sexuality even have to do with it?

...I don't want to be seen as weak, I don't want to be seen as an easy target....

I didn't realize this was the perception, but if so - it might be because men are more prone to take their anger out by physically hurting someone else.

Women are more likely to internalize anger and harm themselves.

Maybe guys (inexplicably and irrationally) see that as "weak."

 

[lionetta12]

How do you deal with self harm scars as a man?

I am a man with self harm scars all over my left forearm, I can't wear short sleeved t-shirts ofcourse, and I have accepted that fact for many years, however, there's something that makes it very difficult for me to live with my scars and that is the opinions of others.

Why is it that men with self harm scars are seen as effeminate or girly? What does gender or sexuality even have to do with it? I once came clean to one of my friends about my scars and he jokingly said "are you one of those gay emos?"

It was a stupid joke and I laughed it off, however it still hurt you know and of course made me less confident in ever showing my arms again. I don't want to be seen as weak, I don't want to be seen as an easy target. Am I supposed to hide them for the rest of my life...

As stated above, if it really bothers you and if you potentionally want it gone, laser can give really nice results. I'm considering laser on some surgery scars that never healed once I've had my final surgery which will be this year I hope.

 

[spacehardware]

A friend of mine got some tattoos covering up his self harm scars. Are yours fully healed or more recent? I would never look at a guy with scars as being effeminate, that has literally never crossed my mind. Try and think of them as battle wounds, something that helped you survive. I am a female with heavy scarring on both arms from many years of self harm and I have only relatively recently started to leave the house without full length sleeves. I don't have any cover up tattoos and haven't had laser treatment. I haven't cut in two years now, so my scars are probably as healed as they ever will be, and that has helped my confidence as they're less noticeable. I am probably kidding myself with that last part, as objectively they're still very visible even though they are faded. I guess I stopped caring what adults think. In public when I want to wear shorter sleeves, hot weather for example, I just try not to think about it and get on with what I'm doing. People already stare at me because I'm overweight. I do try to make sure I wear long sleeves if I'm in close contact with kids though, when visiting my niece or with my friends daughter. But that's mostly because I don't know what the right answer is if I get asked outright what happened to my arms.

 

[yıη]

Empathy aside, the only thing stopping you from showing your pain is you. No man is above you.

When I was in highschool I showed my scars along with my fresh cuts in school. I simply cared not for what one might think. That is until someone I called a friend said to me, "Why not just wear long sleeves?" Then I wore long sleeves for years, even to the beach. I wore so many hoodies in the sun, I do it for nostalgia now.

Roll your sleeves up more and more a little at time. Baseball shirts have medium length tees. Very calmly begin to wear short sleeves. If anyone tries to pity you, look them directly in the eye and tell them you have no need for their pity. If anyone tries to belittle you, they are projecting the weakness they fear within themselves. Rarely has a man become depressed worrying of what goes on in the mind of another.

With time you will realize that scars are not the beacon of attention you fear them to be.

If one wants to be caught staring at your scars, look them directly in the eyes and confront them on it. Regardless of what you feel inside, show no fear. Watch as they become the uncomfortable ones, rather than you. Ask a soldier if there is any weakness to be found in a scar, but this is needless as you already know what they would say.

Let the spirit within you represent a soldier. For which reason should you have to change for the comfort of another? Do not belittle yourself; do not condition yourself for submission, my kin.

Let them think you are an "easy target," let them underestimate you. And when the time comes that you are tried for it, make them regret it.

Edit: My friend, there may come a time when you walk about in short sleeves with the fear of them showing being the furthest from your mind. My friend, there may come a time in which your presence is a gift to those around you. One's who do not stare at your pain and look instead into your eyes and request your presence and your guidance. My friend, there may come a time in which individuals will look at those scars as a sign or perseverance and will revere you as strong. My, friend there may come a time in which you walk freely with your scars showing and those you've surrounded yourself with find comfort in you, not the you who feel you should appeal to.

 

[Freebird4567]

I'm a girl but I have self harm scars on both arms from my wrists up to my shoulders and haven't been able to wear short sleeves out for over 10 years, I understand not wanting to show your scars as you don't want to seem weak, I feel the same, I don't want people to see this vulnerable side of me and make judgements.

I'm sorry that you've had friends who don't understand, I think as most of the time men keep their feelings hidden, alot of people may find it weird and don't know how to react when men open up about their struggles as they have that perception of "men should be strong and men shouldn't cry" etc

 

[cowmeow]

How do you deal with self harm scars as a man?

I am a man with self harm scars all over my left forearm, I can't wear short sleeved t-shirts ofcourse, and I have accepted that fact for many years, however, there's something that makes it very difficult for me to live with my scars and that is the opinions of others.

Why is it that men with self harm scars are seen as effeminate or girly? What does gender or sexuality even have to do with it? I once came clean to one of my friends about my scars and he jokingly said "are you one of those gay emos?"

It was a stupid joke and I laughed it off, however it still hurt you know and of course made me less confident in ever showing my arms again. I don't want to be seen as weak, I don't want to be seen as an easy target. Am I supposed to hide them for the rest of my life...

I'm a woman who self harms but as you, i have been hiding for many years, so the only ones who ever saw are my parents, none of my real life friends know. I have friends whom has friends that self harm, so i heard a lot of malicious comments, enough that i don't plan telling anyone shit.

Now, i do think it may be worse for guys since you are not supposed to show emotion, and some men think that treating their male friends as shit is the way to go, HAHA JSUT THE BROS MANN JUST A JOKE!!

Commentaries like this are BS. These people are ignorant and i want you to know they are stupid and not right.
Now, i'm going to be honest with you because some people won't. People will always stare. Sometimes because they know someone who sh, sometimes because they are stupid and wanna judge you... you won't know the reason, but the stares will be there. And some comments as well. I don't know how bad are your scars, but the advice i can give you is to try to improve the scars if you have the money for it.

I have been treating mine for 2 years now and my doctor was honest, there's a limit of what they can do, specially if they are deep scars, unless you plan on going further and doing skin grafts and shit... otherwise, your options mostly are try to minimize the aspect of them (if you have hypertrophic scar or keloids) and cover them up with tattoos.

 

[SeeminglyFine]

Now, i do think it may be worse for guys since you are not supposed to show emotion

Yea, i remember watching a movie with my mom and in the movie a man was crying, and she asked me, whats going on in this movie, its so unrealistic, men arent able to cry are they????

Damn, she made crying sound so shameful as a man by asking me that, i felt reluctant to answer that yes, men cry, because that would indicate that i know this through experience...

I dont doubt she will hug me if i cry infront of her, but i can no longer guess what she will be thinking at that moment...
witnessing that would ruin her current understanding of human(mens) emotions and sex differences in a matter of seconds.

And yet people will still judge a man differently for cutting.. without giving us an option for catharsis

 

[Dida]

I wear a watch with huge wristbands to cover as much as I can. A lot of mine faded but it's still visible if you look for it.

 

[Grootheid]

I used to want to burn my scars and say it was due to an exhaust or something. What I realised later is that most people didn't realise them near as much as I thought. I have since moved past my scars and am now happy to talk about them with other to try educate people.

 

[UKscotty]

I stopped cutting and burning about 10 years ago and the scars never go away, I have tried all sorts of treatments.

Now days I just get on with life, never had anyone comment on them but then again I don't really have many friends.

I always wear short sleeve and usually a couple of low key bracelets.

You can mark them a little bit with concealer but in my experience, you will have to learn to accept the scars.

 

[5417807]

I'm a man with scars all over my body, I have them from my toes all the way to my face from years of excessive SH. I'm 5 years clean but they're still highly visible and unable to be covered by tattoos are lessened by laser. I've never once had someone say they were 'gay' or 'girly' even though I'm a rather effeminate gay man. I think the main thing is how you wear them. I never hide mine, the only time I'd totally cover them up and hide them is for my kids school events. I think if your ashamed and hide them it seems more "girly", once you accept them as part of you, your story and you're resilience they become empowering and a show of strength like stretch marks or loose skin when you become overweight but then loose it and get fit and healthy again.
Maybe the fear of them being seen as girly and gay is really what makes them that way, once you have no fear about how people view them on you they become masculine

 

[Skathon]

Mine are... arranged in a particular manner, so they usually make others either rather (highly?) uncomfortable or interested/impressed.

 

[ctb7767]

I have some scars on my arms, used to bother me an incredible amount. Now that I'm suicidal for other reasons, I realize how minor worrying about it was. People have problems and yeah, it looks bad, but people don't really care.