Venting -self-harm- I gave in again .

[Georgii]

Spoiler: self-harm

I used to cut since I was a teenager , slight small cuts just enough to relieve some pain , sometimes deeper than usual .
I was mostly calm when I done it , it usually happend either after a breakdown or when I felt one coming ..it felt so relaxing , it made me feel in control .
I've only been found out once .. a couple years ago by my boyfriend .
One night he touched my thigh and felt them , he immediately pulled the cover off ..he told me I was insane and if he ever catches me again he's gonna tell my family and send me to looney jail ( how he calls the psych ward ) .He was so pissed and disgusted , and so I was of myself .
I stopped for a while until I gave in again ..and then I stopped again.. and now..I gave in again after almost a year ..the longest I ever went without even a small scratch on my skin.
For the last few days I've kept cutting on my thigh , sometimes small but deeep cuts other times barely scratched my skin ..
The thing is I feel less suicidal when I have this outlet , the thought still lingers around but it's like it's put on pause.

I have the razors hidden in the bathroom and I'm not ready to get rid of them again.
I don't want to CBT by cutting , I know I couldn't but for now it's a small momentarily relief .

 

[krsu]

I've been using cutting as a way to cope for almost my entire life, something about punishing myself makes me feel alot better.

my borderline personality disorder causes me to do a lot of things I immediately regret and since i can't turn back time I feel like it's a fair punishment I guess...

you're not crazy or bad for cutting so please don't ever think that

 

[Georgii]

something about punishing myself makes me feel alot better.

this I understand that feeling .

 

[Nymph]

It's okay, it happens. I'm the same

 

[Fear191829218]

I haven't ever cut myself, but this is so relatable..I self harm with ciggeretes.. it might not be as painful and blood oozing, but its much more addictive and harmful in the long run.. but its the same feeling.. You quit for a few days, then give in, try to quit again... the usual cycle..But the weird part is this is acceptable by social standards, but cutting is not.. Maybe there should be like a protest or something lol. But what I was trying to say through all this is, its your choice, your body, nothing else matters?

 

[MeriDeath]

I can tell its a nice coping mechanism, but nothing more than that. I stopped cutting 4 years ago, thats when I decided to take better care of myself. Try to find other ways to release some pressure, im sure there are more things you can be drawn to.

 

[Sinai Silence]

I've been cutting since I was 16 and hadn't done it for two weeks up until last night. It is always difficult to stop. But it's one of the few coping mechanisms I have. It reminds me that I am real and I feel something. It used to be a self punishing thing for me but now it's an escape.

It's sad your bf treated you like that when he found out, he should've been more understanding. I wish I had people irl I was comfortable talking about it with, I hope you find someone who will support you. Sh doesn't mean you're insane or disgusting it means you're human and you're in pain.

 

[Living_Hurts_so_Much]

Spoiler: self-harm

I used to cut since I was a teenager , slight small cuts just enough to relieve some pain , sometimes deeper than usual .
I was mostly calm when I done it , it usually happend either after a breakdown or when I felt one coming ..it felt so relaxing , it made me feel in control .
I've only been found out once .. a couple years ago by my boyfriend .
One night he touched my thigh and felt them , he immediately pulled the cover off ..he told me I was insane and if he ever catches me again he's gonna tell my family and send me to looney jail ( how he calls the psych ward ) .He was so pissed and disgusted , and so I was of myself .
I stopped for a while until I gave in again ..and then I stopped again.. and now..I gave in again after almost a year ..the longest I ever went without even a small scratch on my skin.
For the last few days I've kept cutting on my thigh , sometimes small but deeep cuts other times barely scratched my skin ..
The thing is I feel less suicidal when I have this outlet , the thought still lingers around but it's like it's put on pause.

I have the razors hidden in the bathroom and I'm not ready to get rid of them again.
I don't want to CBT by cutting , I know I couldn't but for now it's a small momentarily relief .

I had never cut before. That is until yesterday. I hated living so much I wanted to feel like I could control one thing. I cut my wrist. Not deep. My chest. My legs. It hurt like hell, but I realized it was something I could control and punish myself in a way for living such a lie for so many years. Until CTB comes.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

For me it is a habit that I use to vent stress. For the last year I haven't done it since my parents are around and will go crazy if they find out I am doing it. It does suck, I am sorry you feel the need to use it.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

It's calming for me as well. I'm really sorry your boyfriend treated you that way - you don't deserve that, mate.

 

[PoisonedJuliet]

It's okay and don't feel ashamed. A ton of people use this as a coping method (myself included) Relapse is just a part of SH. I'm sure that you made progress in the year that you were clean and this is just a little bump in the road. Just throw out those razors when you feel you're ready and know you have a whole support team who only wants the best for you <3

 

[Georgii]

Sorry for late response and thanks guys , a lot .It's just feels so weird trying to articulate in actual words why .It's so much easier being around here ..with people who understand and relate than trying to make someone irl grasp even the tiny an idea of it.