Discussion Self-grief

[15dec]

How do you cope knowing you are going to ctb? Is there anything specific you've done, other than researching methods to help come to terms with it?

I've been writing short stories and poems about my reasoning for ctb, as well as what I hope the afterlife will be like. I think it's helping me to fear death less and come to terms with what my life has been like to this point.

 

[GreenLantern]

Just reflecting on my life as a whole. The bad as well as the good.

 

[Shewaitsforme]

I try to have rational conversations with myself. For me its imperative that the choice i make is 100% a fully considered choice. If i have any doubt then i will not go through with it, ive made that promise to myself.

 

[J Tizzle]

Joining this forum and having the ability to really talk about what's going on inside my head has been huge in helping me cope. Seeing others going through the same process has been great in helping me feel less alone.

I've also tried to find some type of spirituality. I don't believe in an afterlife at all, but I've gone to a few metaphysics stores and talked to people who have had psychic experiences. I guess I'm trying to convince myself that there is something more to this world, even though I don't believe it. I feel like if I could make myself believe it, I would be less afraid.

 

[mattwitt]

For me it's constantly getting more organized and squared away. I've been selling things, giving away things, and throwing things away. I've been putting things in boxes and bags and leaving as many notes needed so that it will be easy as can be for the people I leave behind. My only regret is still having debt. That's the one thing I wish I could have gotten rid of the most. I would be at more peace with myself if I didn't have any.

 

[15dec]

Joining this forum and having the ability to really talk about what's going on inside my head has been huge in helping me cope. Seeing others going through the same process has been great in helping me feel less alone.

I've also tried to find some type of spirituality. I don't believe in an afterlife at all, but I've gone to a few metaphysics stores and talked to people who have had psychic experiences. I guess I'm trying to convince myself that there is something more to this world, even though I don't believe it. I feel like if I could make myself believe it, I would be less afraid.

I'm trying to convince myself there is an afterlife as well. It's a comforting thought, sending you hugs

 

[15dec]

For me it's constantly getting more organized and squared away. I've been selling things, giving away things, and throwing things away. I've been putting things in boxes and bags and leaving as many notes needed so that it will be easy as can be for the people I leave behind. My only regret is still having debt. That's the one thing I wish I could have gotten rid of the most. I would be at more peace with myself if I didn't have any.

I'm sorry to hear about your debt but I'm glad you're coming to peace through other means. Sending hugs

 

[mattwitt]

I'm sorry to hear about your debt but I'm glad you're coming to peace through other means. Sending hugs

Thanks ! You also !

 

[J Tizzle]

I'm trying to convince myself there is an afterlife as well. It's a comforting thought, sending you hugs

Thanks! Yes, it sure is. I don't really hate life, I just don't want my life. So the idea of an afterlife does bring some sense of peace. And if I convince myself there's an afterlife but I'm wrong, well, I wont really care once I'm gone. :)

 

[15dec]

Thanks! Yes, it sure is. I don't really hate life, I just don't want my life. So the idea of an afterlife does bring some sense of peace. And if I convince myself there's an afterlife but I'm wrong, well, I wont really care once I'm gone. :)

I get you, I don't want my life either. Kinda wish I could just restart from where everything went wrong. And you're right, it doesn't matter when we go but it's peaceful right now. Hugs

 

[Empty Smile]

Joining this forum and having the ability to really talk about what's going on inside my head has been huge in helping me cope. Seeing others going through the same process has been great in helping me feel less alone.

This is me 100%. I couldn't have worded it any better.

 

[weedoge]

How do you cope knowing you are going to ctb? Is there anything specific you've done, other than researching methods to help come to terms with it?

I've been writing short stories and poems about my reasoning for ctb, as well as what I hope the afterlife will be like. I think it's helping me to fear death less and come to terms with what my life has been like to this point.

I like the title of your post, interesting. Approaching my date where I backed out most recently I was quite empty and disconnected, but as the time came closer I'd say I experienced this. One moment I can be feeling worthless and then the next actually distraught and tragic because there's no way I can possibly do the things I wanted to do, and there's no denying that each of us have unique to offer into the world if we so choose. Then I ask myself, why is it worth it though? The world doesn't actually lose out, that part is just an ego driven survival instinct I think.

The way I cope with it, even though what I create is likely worthless, is just by creating as much random crap I can in the time I have. I bought some cheapy musical instruments because I love to just play little tunes, it doesn't sound amazing but I can express and leave that behind and I think that's the only real thing I desire when I feel that "self grief". In the past I used to think about things I'll miss out on, experiences, travelling, etc, but I came up with this personal logic that those experiences aren't really unique, billions of other people have experienced everything that I probably ever could. and this is where my focus kind of shifted into creative output. I'd rather leave a nice artistic mark that can't possibly be perceived as negative, and then maybe I'll be good to go.

 

[15dec]

I like the title of your post, interesting. Approaching my date where I backed out most recently I was quite empty and disconnected, but as the time came closer I'd say I experienced this. One moment I can be feeling worthless and then the next actually distraught and tragic because there's no way I can possibly do the things I wanted to do, and there's no denying that each of us have unique to offer into the world if we so choose. Then I ask myself, why is it worth it though? The world doesn't actually lose out, that part is just an ego driven survival instinct I think.

The way I cope with it, even though what I create is likely worthless, is just by creating as much random crap I can in the time I have. I bought some cheapy musical instruments because I love to just play little tunes, it doesn't sound amazing but I can express and leave that behind and I think that's the only real thing I desire when I feel that "self grief". In the past I used to think about things I'll miss out on, experiences, travelling, etc, but I came up with this personal logic that those experiences aren't really unique, billions of other people have experienced everything that I probably ever could. and this is where my focus kind of shifted into creative output. I'd rather leave a nice artistic mark that can't possibly be perceived as negative, and then maybe I'll be good to go.

I understand the mixed feelings you have, part of me wishes I could've travelled and volunteered more. I'm glad you've found a way to cope about ctb too. Best wishes, sending you hugs

 

[weedoge]

I understand the mixed feelings you have, part of me wishes I could've travelled and volunteered more. I'm glad you've found a way to cope about ctb too. Best wishes, sending you hugs

Thanks very much, I appreciate that.

Joining this forum and having the ability to really talk about what's going on inside my head has been huge in helping me cope. Seeing others going through the same process has been great in helping me feel less alone.

I've also tried to find some type of spirituality. I don't believe in an afterlife at all, but I've gone to a few metaphysics stores and talked to people who have had psychic experiences. I guess I'm trying to convince myself that there is something more to this world, even though I don't believe it. I feel like if I could make myself believe it, I would be less afraid.

lol totally understand this too, I had an embarassing conversation with @skitliv about it, I'm strictly materialistic and scientific, and I feel humiliated that fear really makes me imagine scenarios that I absolutely don't believe can happen and still hope for them. Crazy magical thinking that I feel doesn't really fit me at all.

 

[J Tizzle]

lol totally understand this too, I had an embarassing conversation with @skitliv about it, I'm strictly materialistic and scientific, and I feel humiliated that fear really makes me imagine scenarios that I absolutely don't believe can happen and still hope for them. Crazy magical thinking that I feel doesn't really fit me at all.

Yes, I totally know what you mean! But I guess in the end, if I'm going to ctb, magic thinking wont be so bad, yknow? Even if it doesn't suit me under normal circumstances. I guess its not too unusual, there's so many stories about people getting rather religious when they know they're going to die.

 

[weedoge]

Yes, I totally know what you mean! But I guess in the end, if I'm going to ctb, magic thinking wont be so bad, yknow? Even if it doesn't suit me under normal circumstances. I guess its not too unusual, there's so many stories about people getting rather religious when they know they're going to die.

Right, I tried to think the same thing, kidding myself into believing something fake... is something that I'd have hated the idea of in the past, but for this purpose it's different.

 

[GreenLantern]

Also, thinking about what I wish my legacy would be after I go.

 

[stargazer]

I'm quite easy and comfortable with it. If I had the means, I could easily perform it all on my own. I'd rather not say my method but it's one of those listed on here, no secret.

I've been writing a diary (keeping this site out of it) but never really saying everything, for fear it'll be found. It's just a normal ranting diary in content terms.

I daydream as others do, I think of good times and bad times, I think the future is bleak so I know I'm doing right by me, even if it's only just by me.

Everyone who knows my posts knows by now my friend left this world (unaware to me before or after) by train earlier in the year. Makes me look pathetic that I'm still here and I've been waiting "it" longer than him I would have thought. 4 years. 4 years and counting I've been giving myself the yes/no/yes/no.

Plus, lacking suitable methods and surrounds.

I've spent 4 years waiting and getting into this mindset, so I guess that's why I'm at such ease. If I actually had hope for the future, i wouldn't be on a site like this still.

 

[Final Escape]

For me it's constantly getting more organized and squared away. I've been selling things, giving away things, and throwing things away. I've been putting things in boxes and bags and leaving as many notes needed so that it will be easy as can be for the people I leave behind. My only regret is still having debt. That's the one thing I wish I could have gotten rid of the most. I would be at more peace with myself if I didn't have any.

Screw guilt over debt. Debt is an instrument of enslavement anyway. There should never be such thing in existence.

 

[15dec]

I'm quite easy and comfortable with it. If I had the means, I could easily perform it all on my own. I'd rather not say my method but it's one of those listed on here, no secret.

I've been writing a diary (keeping this site out of it) but never really saying everything, for fear it'll be found. It's just a normal ranting diary in content terms.

I daydream as others do, I think of good times and bad times, I think the future is bleak so I know I'm doing right by me, even if it's only just by me.

Everyone who knows my posts knows by now my friend left this world (unaware to me before or after) by train earlier in the year. Makes me look pathetic that I'm still here and I've been waiting "it" longer than him I would have thought. 4 years. 4 years and counting I've been giving myself the yes/no/yes/no.

Plus, lacking suitable methods and surrounds.

I've spent 4 years waiting and getting into this mindset, so I guess that's why I'm at such ease. If I actually had hope for the future, i wouldn't be on a site like this still.

I'm sorry for your loss friend. Sending you hugs

 

[stargazer]

I'm sorry for your loss friend. Sending you hugs

Thanks...in a different way, darkly, I am more than happy for him :)
I still feel for him, hope it wasn't painful for his final moments. Ouch!
Thank you again. Hugs too.

 

[KadathianStr1d3r]

I got the means, the rationale and the conclusion to do it, yet I cannot due to something stopping me.
This describes 10 years worth of endless mental torture and false hope I have foolishly allowed myself to be led into, pretty soon Im getting a really good feeling that this time I will succeed!
Ive been writing stuff, watching all the good stuff until im bored, yada-yada I try many things and right now Im trying to do a self-taught encouragement program for myself, its working pretty good since I feel pretty confident that everything will go as planned. Nobody around me will miss me, the mormons will use my success to propagate something, my mother will just have a big excuse to get more animals, my dad wont care, my brother will be somewhat sad but he'll move on yada-yada I dont care and I cant wait until I go to sleep forever in a prideful abyss of endless void!

 

[15dec]

I got the means, the rationale and the conclusion to do it, yet I cannot due to something stopping me.
This describes 10 years worth of endless mental torture and false hope I have foolishly allowed myself to be led into, pretty soon Im getting a really good feeling that this time I will succeed!
Ive been writing stuff, watching all the good stuff until im bored, yada-yada I try many things and right now Im trying to do a self-taught encouragement program for myself, its working pretty good since I feel pretty confident that everything will go as planned. Nobody around me will miss me, the mormons will use my success to propagate something, my mother will just have a big excuse to get more animals, my dad wont care, my brother will be somewhat sad but he'll move on yada-yada I dont care and I cant wait until I go to sleep forever in a prideful abyss of endless void!

I'm sorry you've been struggling friend, sending you hugs

 

[wildisthewind]

How do you all fight impulsivity, and wait for everything to be perfect? I am so impulsive to potentially do something dumb right now. Too many hurtful things in the next three weeks.

 

[15dec]

How do you all fight impulsivity, and wait for everything to be perfect? I am so impulsive to potentially do something dumb right now. Too many hurtful things in the next three weeks.

Sometimes I just give in to impulsivity but is usually ends up with me not getting the method 100% right, cutting corners and trying to convince myself it'd be fine. So I just try to hold on, remind myself I'll ctb soon and take comfort in that. Sometimes I do hope that my mental health treatment will suddenly improve and fix me but I don't think it'll happen anytime soon. I know you're struggling right now but please try to hold on and don't do anything impulsive in regards to ctb unless you're 100% certain. Sending you hugs

 

[wildisthewind]

Sometimes I just give in to impulsivity but is usually ends up with me not getting the method 100% right, cutting corners and trying to convince myself it'd be fine. So I just try to hold on, remind myself I'll ctb soon and take comfort in that. Sometimes I do hope that my mental health treatment will suddenly improve and fix me but I don't think it'll happen anytime soon. I know you're struggling right now but please try to hold on and don't do anything impulsive in regards to ctb unless you're 100% certain. Sending you hugs

Thank you, 15dec. I have options. I have friends. I also have massive guilt and shame, and two women in my life who continue to pile on it and make it worse, one being the mother of my child. Yesterday was truly an ugly emotional day for me.

Hugs for you as well. I'm always good for those.