Venting self euthanasia should be free

[burningpile]

theres so many times ive not been honest to my family and friends on how dire my thoughts have become. ive described to my therapist that im a passive contemplater, that id never actually go through the steps to do anything, that i dont research on my off time of the least painful methods. i thought that after my last post it wouldve been the last time i seriously considered ending things but ever since that fucking inauguration its hard. it so hard to ignore the easy way out, when coworkers i thought i knew and could trust openly admit they like the way my country's policies are going, that climate change is a joke, that children should be able to work, that people who were born here dont deserve to live here, that women dont need rights, that lgbt youth and adults alike dont need resources to seek care. today i discovered that the Center for Disease Control is complying with an executive order they don't need to comply with, but because theyre too scared to tell a fascist and a nazi No. a scientific medical institution that pledges the hippocratic oath is willingly censoring information that saves lives. why in the world would they side with this.
i know its what they want, for me to be dead, for me to be silent, for me to be forgotten. they dont have to kill me when i do the job for them. living on in spite, that has been enough to motivate me to continue, but lately, its harder. i work with children, its my job to make sure theyre safe while a go about my workday. the things im learning about how my government is wanting the country to go, it wants to see these children deported, removed, torn from their culture, their families and mothers and fathers, it wants them dead. im so scared for them. im so sorry that i cant tell them its going to be okay because its not. theyre going to be growing up in the worst possible time they could. theyre goign to grow up in a world that only sees them as fodder for the capitalist machine. im so scared and sos orr for them that all i can do is get them home and that i cant help them any more than that.
i cant tell my therapist about my thoughts. i cant. because shes a mandated reporter. id lose my job. id lose what ive worked so fucking hard to get. and i keep wondering why im working so hard against the machine, cold and uncaring. why not just tell her. why not just give myself a reason to jump off into hurricane gulch with a bungee around my neck. i keep trying to tell myself that i have things that rely on me, i have family who love me, but all this love in the world isnt going to fix my fear of living through this hell. why do i have to suffer so fucking much just for the fleeting hope i might be happy
i wish suicide wasnt so stigmatized. its so human to not want to suffer. to not be in pain. all my life ive been made to feel like im a burden yet never given a way to become less of one. the world would not be so different with one less person compared to billions so why cant i just go to a clinic for a peaceful lethal injection. why cant i have the choice.
i just dont want to hurt anymore.

 

[FuneralCry]

I also just wish to peacefully cease existing, I see so much cruelty in how the option to for me to cease existing painlessly is denied with suffering seen as to force and prolong no matter what even know it all just leads to death anyway. I'd personally never wish for this existence and I always suffer so much from being denied the option to peacefully free myself from it, I just hope and wish to never suffer ever again, I also just wish to permanently stop suffering, I wish to just be non-existent incapable of suffering and incapable of feeling any pain.