Help Self critical cry(?) for help

[confusion]

Can't believe I'm back here after months and I'm posting on the recovery section.. But I know I'm not gonna ctb anytime soon, so this should be best. My birthday is on the 11th. I am fucking terrified and after this previous year, I'm worried things are going to get even worse. I am in a state of panic almost everywhere I go and almost always. I don't really have any friends and I spend a ton of my time by myself in my room to recover from the day and from the social contact and stress I experienced during the day. (I think I might be autistic.) I have never truly opened up to anyone ever? I have one good friend (an ocean away..) whom I told some stuff. I quickly realized my mistake, though, and faked a recovery arc to them so they wouldn't worry.

Now I have started cutting and smoking again and I cry a whole lot more again. I am desperate to get some recognition for the work I do to hide this and the work I've done for years. That sounds very technical but I am just very sad and panicked and all I look forward to in life is short term and destructive: self harm, nicotine and alcohol. I've also started eating less again. I hate myself. I think I might just be the ugliest person in the world. Not even just my body and face but also the way I act: I am awkward, scared and boring. I wish I would've had an attempt that had gotten noticed so I couldn't escape letting someone know about all this. All I've accomplished on that front is weird looks and gasps from friends when they see me in shorts/short sleeve shirts (but never a single word), my dad saying he "knows something's up" (but not doing anything about it? and then accusing me of an eating disorder without acting on that concern of his..).

I have never ever purposefully tried to show people my scars or making weird remarks/jokes. But I am losing my mind and I can't do another year of silent suffering. I just wish someone would come hug me, I wish someone would ask me and all I want is to feel safe and normal and warm again. I feel entirely hopeless and the next few years are not something I want to experience. I'll have to "figure out what do to with my life" but how the fuck do you expect me to have future plans when I am barely functioning already? How can I, as someone that would rather die than talk to people about my "mental state", even find help? I can't talk. I can't write down the words because I simply don't have them (Ironic, yes, I know I am writing this down. But showing this to my parents? I can't even confess to them when I feel nervous or overwhelmed, I just go silent and hide in my room. I can't.). The regret I felt the one time I "opened up" was the worst thing.

I wish I'd killed myself years ago. My dad told me about a friend's son who did when he was 15. I got so jealous. Which makes me into such a pick-me asshole, because obviously I COULD HAVE. I don't fucking know. I can't function. I feel horrible. I want to die! I don't want to post on the recovery side of this! But I am, for whatever fucking reason. No one tell me that it's good that I'm here and that it means that I'm getting better. Nice of you but I will bang my head into the wall.

Someone help, please. I'm unsure what to do. I am very alone. And I hate myself for writing this because it reeks of self pity. God, I hate every word I "dare" utter! Please don't think I don't mean these words. Please take me seriously.

 

[Regen]

What you write sounds a bit like me as a teenager.

It hurts me to read how you suffer. Some say you just want attention. I don't like this sentence because it is wrong. Because what's wrong with wanting attention, every person needs attention. And if you live in circumstances where you see no other option than to get attention through destructive things, then that doesn't say anything negative about you, it only says about your living conditions and the people who surround you!

My salvation was a teacher at school. He helped me get help. It was very difficult for me because I didn't know what to say, my head was empty and my emotions were dead. At the time I could only express how bad I was feeling through self-harm and suicidal thoughts. For decades I was ashamed that this was the only way I could communicate.

Today I have compassion for myself. I was very alone, helpless, desperate, young, full of pain and fear and I had no idea how else to get out of this pain. It was my desperate attempt to save my life. And that's always okay, no matter which way you try it. It has nothing to do with "just looking for attention." It is deepest despair.

I hope with all my heart that you find a place to turn to. Maybe first by email or chat if that's easier for you. You can also visit advice centers anonymously. Autism sometimes makes life very difficult, but a good life with it is still possible, I know people with this diagnosis in real life.

But I think you need professional help to learn how to cope with this special way of seeing the world and how to take good care of yourself. I really hope you find a way to get help. You deserve it.

 

[confusion]

What you write sounds a bit like me as a teenager.

It hurts me to read how you suffer. Some say you just want attention. I don't like this sentence because it is wrong. Because what's wrong with wanting attention, every person needs attention. And if you live in circumstances where you see no other option than to get attention through destructive things, then that doesn't say anything negative about you, it only says about your living conditions and the people who surround you!

My salvation was a teacher at school. He helped me get help. It was very difficult for me because I didn't know what to say, my head was empty and my emotions were dead. At the time I could only express how bad I was feeling through self-harm and suicidal thoughts. For decades I was ashamed that this was the only way I could communicate.

Today I have compassion for myself. I was very alone, helpless, desperate, young, full of pain and fear and I had no idea how else to get out of this pain. It was my desperate attempt to save my life. And that's always okay, no matter which way you try it. It has nothing to do with "just looking for attention." It is deepest despair.

I hope with all my heart that you find a place to turn to. Maybe first by email or chat if that's easier for you. You can also visit advice centers anonymously. Autism sometimes makes life very difficult, but a good life with it is still possible, I know people with this diagnosis in real life.

But I think you need professional help to learn how to cope with this special way of seeing the world and how to take good care of yourself. I really hope you find a way to get help. You deserve it.

Thank you so much for replying. Genuinely. You are a very good person and I'm glad you're doing okay(?).

My biggest fear of all is "just wanting attention". That's why I have kept all this as private and under wraps as possible. I have and still do base my entire self worth on how much I can do and endure by myself. There have been many many times when I wanted to tell people about this and almost every time, I stopped myself because I knew it would just complicate things.

I just don't think I'm meant to be a person and to live and be around people. I'm not supposed to try and "get better" and make everyone around me worry and be miserable just so I'll live as a shell of a human. That's possibly also really romanticized but I think it makes sense. No ambitions, no talent, nothing! I bring nothing of value. I feel really guilty for being alive and taking up other people's time when we all know what the logical next step would be. Not committing just for the sense of existing is nonsense to me.

And having said all that, I'm still alive and I am a hypocritical idiot. I don't know.

I'm glad you found a teacher to help you. I was in America for a high school exchange for 6 months and had a teacher I loved. I live in my head a lot and fantasize and make up scenarios, so in those he sat me down and listened to my bullshit and helped me and told me he cared. I do that a lot, to the point where I'll imagine him or people like my dad or my friend watching me through hidden cameras and secretly knowing what I think and how I feel. That is involuntary by now but it helps with feeling alone. I never had any meaningful conversations with him but I literally wished he was my dad. We still E-mail about once every 6 months.

I wrote this on impulse, despite waiting a few hours after first reading your message. I hope this text makes sense. I can't tell you how conflicted and awful I feel about writing in here and writing to you but reading the words "I hope with all my heart" and "You deserve it" is like a hug. I feel like I sound so fucking self-pitying right now but I mean this in a grateful, thankful way. I feel acknowledged. Thank you.

I know I just said a lot more but you don't need to reply to this, just so you know. You've been incredibly kind and I don't want to "overstay my welcome". And I mean that - this is not a hidden guilt trip. (I have troubles with understanding things like that sometimes, so I'd rather over explain than have anyone misunderstand me.)

 

[Regen]

I'm happy if I could give you a little warmth. Sometimes you find the right words and sometimes what you say doesn't help.

Damn, I had those thoughts about the teacher too... For many years I fantasized about him adopting me. I imagined myself being held in his arms like a small child. I still sometimes wish that someone would come and save me and help me.

It wasn't long ago that I finally understood in therapy why I always want to figure everything out on my own and why I have trouble seeking and accepting help. I'm just not used to having someone there to help me emotionally and be there for me. I didn't know from my parents that I was offered help. Emotionally I was very alone when I was a child. So for a long time it was completely beyond my imagination that I could get help. But it is possible. There are people out there who will help you. The only problem is that it's difficult to find them. If you don't try you won't find help. Start somewhere. For example, the teacher you write to every 6 months. It probably won't be the right one, but it will lead you to a new idea where you can look. Follow your feeling.

I have had many mediocre and bad psychologists, but after years I now have a very nice one with whom you can discuss almost anything. She does schema therapy.

I hope you so much that you can finally have the experience of being heard and seen. Just you. Without feeling like you're too much. That you're okay who you are. That you are allowed to be there. You are enough.