Self care whilst still planning to die

[applegreenicecream]

I find it really odd how I've bought SN and antiemetics and benzos. . . Basically just waiting for the right time (on hold due to corona lock down and my kids being constantly home) and yet I'll still take vitamins, eat fruit and veg and worry about my high blood pressure to the point that I'm asking my gp to prescribe pills for it.
Yet I also absolutely believe I will end my life . . . Probably in the next year. If not sooner.
You think I'd be enjoying one really unhealthy last super binge of chocolate and booze etc. Instead I'm still treating my body like it's worth something, whilst knowing I'm going to destroy it.
I just find the contradictory behaviour interesting. . . If not a bit odd.
Anyone else the same?

 

[LMLN]

I understand. But if looking after yourself in the meantime makes life better, why not?

 

[applegreenicecream]

I understand. But if looking after yourself in the meantime makes life better, why not?

I think chocolate and booze would make life better
Seriously though, I just find it strange that I get worried by my high blood pressure and think well fuck, I could have a stroke or heart attack . . . And i get worried and stress. . . And then my brain reminds myself that I'm planning to die anyway.

 

[Death.]

Your body is the temple of the Lord. We are created in His image.

 

[highlyvolatile]

My form of self care is treating myself to nice foods and sweets. So same here for me. I've also had my SN for a while but waiting for a good time to leave

 

[applegreenicecream]

My form of self care is treating myself to nice foods and sweets. So same here for me. I've also had my SN for a while but waiting for a good time to leave

It's quite comforting just having it, isn't it. Mine is in the cupboard that my kids never go in because there's nothing in it but cooking oil, pans and the teabag box. Sometimes I forget the SN is in there. And I'll bend down to get the saucepan and I'll see it and be like "oh yeah . . . The suicide thing." That's if things have been ok. When my health is bad and I'm sick of my life circumstances and I just can't see any good things in my future then that SN is never far from my mind.

 

[highlyvolatile]

It's quite comforting just having it, isn't it. Mine is in the cupboard that my kids never go in because there's nothing in it but cooking oil, pans and the teabag box. Sometimes I forget the SN is in there. And I'll bend down to get the saucepan and I'll see it and be like "oh yeah . . . The suicide thing." That's if things have been ok. When my health is bad and I'm sick of my life circumstances and I just can't see any good things in my future then that SN is never far from my mind.

Very comforting. I've accepted that things probably wont change or improve for me so really I just have to decide where im leaving at. I have mine right next to my bed in the box it came in.

 

[MsPotts]

This is a post I needed to see today. I'm the same way. I have what I need yet put it off for some reason. And I find myself worrying over little things and then realizing it doesn't matter. I found a vaccum the other day on the curb (lol I know) and it doesnt work (OBVIOUSLY) but I'm still thinking about calling customer service to maybe have it fixed. Or I know I should eat better, or I need to was my face and it's all confusing and weird. It almost makes it harder. Idk.

 

[applegreenicecream]

This is a post I needed to see today. I'm the same way. I have what I need yet put it off for some reason. And I find myself worrying over little things and then realizing it doesn't matter. I found a vaccum the other day on the curb (lol I know) and it doesnt work (OBVIOUSLY) but I'm still thinking about calling customer service to maybe have it fixed. Or I know I should eat better, or I need to was my face and it's all confusing and weird. It almost makes it harder. Idk.

Aww bless you. I understand. I'm wondering if on some level we haven't FULLY given up on a future worth having?
I mean . . . I'm 99% sure my future will be shit. My life has got steadily worse over the last ten years. I don't see it improving. But I guess there is always that 1% chance . . . Which is why we're still making fruit smoothies and seeing stuff at the side of the road we want to fix. . .
I was looking at a cd to play in my car earlier . . . Thinking about driving it with the music playing and how good that will be . . . And then thinking how this is the same car that I might drive somewhere secluded and take my SN in. . . As I don't really want to taint my house doing it there. Mind you when I'm dead my children will have to move out anyway. But again it's that conflicting all the time.
If we're going to be dead in a few months then a cd is pretty meaningless. But I still want it. I guess if we are on limited time then as someone else commented, we should fill that limited time with things that please us.

 

[braketimez]

I'm in the same boat.
But really, we are no different than anyone else. Everyone knows they are going to die, and yet they still take care of themselves.
The only difference with us is that we are going to choose when we die.
I take care of myself for this present moment. And the next present moment, I'll take care of myself again for the same reason.
It's not entirely about the future.

 

[mesohappy]

I started taking vitamins again,though some say they are worthless anyway..

I question myself while taking them,like "what are you trying to prove?"

I got so emaciated awhile back from lack of self care,I make myself sick when I look in the mirror before a shower.

Guess I still aint sure whether to die or live.

 

[Partial-Elf]

I find it really odd how I've bought SN and antiemetics and benzos. . . Basically just waiting for the right time (on hold due to corona lock down and my kids being constantly home) and yet I'll still take vitamins, eat fruit and veg and worry about my high blood pressure to the point that I'm asking my gp to prescribe pills for it.
Yet I also absolutely believe I will end my life . . . Probably in the next year. If not sooner.
You think I'd be enjoying one really unhealthy last super binge of chocolate and booze etc. Instead I'm still treating my body like it's worth something, whilst knowing I'm going to destroy it.
I just find the contradictory behaviour interesting. . . If not a bit odd.
Anyone else the same?

I've been thinking about this recently as well. I take care of myself despite being suicidal for several reasons:

• It means I undergo less suffering leading up to suicide. Not taking care of oneself really does lead to more suffering
• I want people to feel like I genuinely tried to recover and be healthy
• If I do continue living, I'll be in a better position. Keeping my options open

 

[s1mplem3]

I think it's nothing wrong about it. I want to die but still I have to eat, sleep and use the restroom.

 

[Supertramp]

I find it really odd how I've bought SN and antiemetics and benzos. . . Basically just waiting for the right time (on hold due to corona lock down and my kids being constantly home) and yet I'll still take vitamins, eat fruit and veg and worry about my high blood pressure to the point that I'm asking my gp to prescribe pills for it.
Yet I also absolutely believe I will end my life . . . Probably in the next year. If not sooner.
You think I'd be enjoying one really unhealthy last super binge of chocolate and booze etc. Instead I'm still treating my body like it's worth something, whilst knowing I'm going to destroy it.
I just find the contradictory behaviour interesting. . . If not a bit odd.
Anyone else the same?

I'm literally going through the same thing. I just received my AE today in the mail, it was the last thing I needed to feel confident I can put this all together. I have wanted to kill myself for so long - about 22 years (I'm 37). I got serious about it in December and started doing research. Since December I have been going to the gym and have lost almost 20 lbs. I started eating a lot better too. I've also started taking care of my mental health a lot more during this time. Reading a lot of stoic literature and also checking out emotional intelligence videos on YouTube. I don't really know why I'm doing it. I think maybe there is a part of me that is willing to try things for my loved ones to see if I'm able to stick around - I mean I've zombied through the last 20-25 years, what's another 25 more. I really don't feel any different, though. It's unlikely that I'll find something that will distract me from wanting to do this. I guess I'll just enjoy being distracted by self care as a hobby before catching the bus.

 

[applegreenicecream]

I'm literally going through the same thing. I just received my AE today in the mail, it was the last thing I needed to feel confident I can put this all together. I have wanted to kill myself for so long - about 22 years (I'm 37). I got serious about it in December and started doing research. Since December I have been going to the gym and have lost almost 20 lbs. I started eating a lot better too. I've also started taking care of my mental health a lot more during this time. Reading a lot of stoic literature and also checking out emotional intelligence videos on YouTube. I don't really know why I'm doing it. I think maybe there is a part of me that is willing to try things for my loved ones to see if I'm able to stick around - I mean I've zombied through the last 20-25 years, what's another 25 more. I really don't feel any different, though. It's unlikely that I'll find something that will distract me from wanting to do this. I guess I'll just enjoy being distracted by self care as a hobby before catching the bus.

That's the thing. We'll get so comfy and distracted that before we know it, we're 78 and dying of natural causes in a hospice.
Maybe that's how it is for everyone? Just distracting ourselves from death. Who was it who said we're all living lives of quiet desperation? I forget who said that now. Maybe here on group we are just a bit less quiet about the desperation.

 

[Yomyom]

I decided to treat my sleep apnea, so at least in the last time I have left I sleep well, so I bought c-pap and I sorry for that moment, with my sleep apnea my depression got stronger and stronger and I was sure I can do it, but when enough oxygen was enter my body I started to remember all my fears and worries that I had about suicide.
So annoying

 

[applegreenicecream]

Again though . . . . There's that contraction isn't there . . . Planning to ctb . . . But treating sleep apnea. Surely dying in your sleep would be ideal? And with me, wanting pills for my sudden onset high blood pressure (I was almost in the emergency pressure zone a few days ago. . . Only 2 numbers away from it and I was really freaked out.)
Now surely someone who wants to die enough to buy poison online would be thrilled at the thought of a sudden stroke or heart attack and leave it untreated.
Much easier for my children to bear emotionally if I died naturally like that, rather than chose to leave them. I expect if I do take my SN my parents will tell them I died of natural causes anyway. We're like that as a family. Everyone sticks their fingers in their ears and goes "la la la."

So in treating sleep apnea and high blood pressure etc, it seems it's less about dying per se and more important that we are seen to be deciding to die on our terms.

 

[Yomyom]

Again though . . . . There's that contraction isn't there . . . Planning to ctb . . . But treating sleep apnea. Surely dying in your sleep would be ideal? And with me, wanting pills for my sudden onset high blood pressure (I was almost in the emergency pressure zone a few days ago. . . Only 2 numbers away from it and I was really freaked out.)
Now surely someone who wants to die enough to buy poison online would be thrilled at the thought of a sudden stroke or heart attack and leave it untreated.
Much easier for my children to bear emotionally if I died naturally like that, rather than chose to leave them. I expect if I do take my SN my parents will tell them I died of natural causes anyway. We're like that as a family. Everyone sticks their fingers in their ears and goes "la la la."

So in treating sleep apnea and high blood pressure etc, it seems it's less about dying per se and more important that we are seen to be deciding to die on our terms.

I wish I could die from sleep apnea, but it's not really possible, in the moment you stop breathing you wake up.

 

[applegreenicecream]

I wish I could die from sleep apnea, but it's not really possible, in the moment you stop breathing you wake up.

I didn't know that. I thought it could be dangerous.

 

[tothemoon]

I'm in the same boat.
But really, we are no different than anyone else. Everyone knows they are going to die, and yet they still take care of themselves.
The only difference with us is that we are going to choose when we die.
I take care of myself for this present moment. And the next present moment, I'll take care of myself again for the same reason.
It's not entirely about the future.

I take care of myself for this present moment. And the next present moment, I'll take care of myself again for the same reason.
It's not entirely about the future. . That's powerful! I like that, thank you.
Well, think of it this way. those who are REALLY suicidal suffer more than those who can at least manage it enough to carry out the plan. Because they get locked up. Take care of yourself to feel good TODAY, RIGHT NOW. Tomorrow? We will all be there soon enough.

 

[CatchTheBus]

I'm doing the same. I exercise, eat good, meal prep and I'm still reading books on bettering my mental health. I think I'm still "looking" for something to save me. Maybe if I eat right and exercise enough I'll wake up one morning "fixed." Or maybe I'll come across a powerful quote in a book that turns my life around. I am planning on leaving this world, but I guess I'm still hoping that someone or something will come along and save me.

 

[I screwed up]

Well I can't motivate myself to take care of myself. I am ready to ctb any which way early ..

 

[GiveUp]

It is odd. I am the complete opposite: I stopped bothering to eat healthily and take care of my body or make any long-term investments or plans because I won't need my body or anything else after I ctb. But everyone is different and there is no right or wrong!

 

[Timetodie90]

I find it really odd how I've bought SN and antiemetics and benzos. . . Basically just waiting for the right time (on hold due to corona lock down and my kids being constantly home) and yet I'll still take vitamins, eat fruit and veg and worry about my high blood pressure to the point that I'm asking my gp to prescribe pills for it.
Yet I also absolutely believe I will end my life . . . Probably in the next year. If not sooner.
You think I'd be enjoying one really unhealthy last super binge of chocolate and booze etc. Instead I'm still treating my body like it's worth something, whilst knowing I'm going to destroy it.
I just find the contradictory behaviour interesting. . . If not a bit odd.
Anyone else the same?

Yes I look after myself still. Not as much as I should. But I guess we just want to feel better and go our own way. That's how I feel about it all. I eat a certain diet as not to aggravate certain conditions I have. These won't kill me but they aren't nice. Yet 2 weeks ago I attempted an OD. Ended up nearly dead. Strange isn't it.

 

[Donk]

It is odd. I am the complete opposite: I stopped bothering to eat healthily and take care of my body or make any long-term investments or plans because I won't need my body or anything else after I ctb. But everyone is different and there is no right or wrong!

same

I'm doing the same. I exercise, eat good, meal prep and I'm still reading books on bettering my mental health. I think I'm still "looking" for something to save me. Maybe if I eat right and exercise enough I'll wake up one morning "fixed." Or maybe I'll come across a powerful quote in a book that turns my life around. I am planning on leaving this world, but I guess I'm still hoping that someone or something will come along and save me.

sounds like you should be in the recovery section. if i were you i would avoid the suicide section. theres still hope for you. doesn't do you any good to read post about people wanting to ctb if you want to be saved.

 

[bpdandme]

I feel like I'm destined to die so don't care about my wellbeing which just causes a darker self-inflicted pit, I wish I could make a change or kill myself but I don't have the energy fro either.

It's good you are taking care of yourself - I don't think you should look for things to save you when it looks like you're the one who can save yourself :). Recovery is a long journey, don't expect it over night but you are definitely taking positive steps.