Self-acceptance is impossible

[TotallyIsolated]

I cannot accept who I am. I dont like myself. I dont care about myself.

Why should I care about this worthless loser? People only like me when they're lying to me about how great I supposedly am. But when the mask slips and they can see my true self for what I really am they just make excuses or just straight up laugh at me. I've spent my ENTIRE life being told that I'm not good enough, but now that I have the temerity to say that I don't like it, now they say that its not ok to feel this way either. I cant possibly win.

This person is not lovable, not wantable, not likeable. How the hell am I supposed to accept him, let alone love him? Its not possible.

 

[luten]

The question is, if someone tells you that you are good enough, will you believe them? or are you going to still believe the people who says that you not good enough?

In the real world, you will have both, some people will hate you, others will love you. Other people should not determine wether you accept yourself, or not. Their opinions are their opinions, it is worthless.

 

[timf]

It seems you have a binary view of either good or bad of yourself. Since you are unable to see yourself as "good" it leaves just the option of being "bad". You may wish to cultivate the ability to start seeing shades of gray. However, until that skill develops, you may wish to avoid giving much thought to "worth". Instead you may wish to work on finding activities you can extract enjoyment from.

 

[WornOutLife]

Well, that's a really hard situation to be in because if you don't love yourself, or at least like some things about yourself, living is practically impossible.

As for me, I have lots of flaws but I've found out I have some good skills such as being good at learning languages or simply a "good person" (I can be kinda mean sometimes but, I think I'm not a bastard like most humans haha)

Hope you can feel better soon!

Hugs and love,

Matt

 

[FuneralCry]

It is hard being constantly at chaos with yourself. I guess self acceptance comes from within ourselves and to do that we have to disregard the opinions of others.

 

[Hood of Bone]

I get how you feel. It's hard for me not to be ashamed of who I am considering my situation - I've got no friends, never had a significant other, and have a shitty menial job that a robot will be doing in 10 years. It's easy for people to love themselves when they've actually accomplished things, unlike me.

 

[Shadowrider]

I know this feeling and state of mind way too much.

I do understand constant invalidation, rejection, unrealistic expectations and lack of acknowledgement - for what/who you are - lead to people feeling like this, but it's still not easy to feel I am okay.

I suppose you experience something like this. If you always get "you are unacceptable" in your face, you will end up believing it.

But.

Developing a healthy level of egoism and a normal, healthy way of thinking "I don't give a f*ck" is necessary to do if we really want to recover. If we keep accepting others' negative affirmations, this will only lead to us being psychically dependent on them & their opinions; also, we will develop a negative identity and we'll be dependent on this negative self-image.
This does not worth doing if we really don't wish to do ourselves in, what is your opinion?

I am having hard times, suffering from the very same feeling you are writing about. So please don't take this post of mine as some kind of preaching or high horse.

But I'm starting to realize what should I consider as my problem, and what's considered to be others' problem. Yeah I have seen many selfish people keeping their psychical balance by maintaining a "not my problem" attitude. This is not something I want to copy, but drawing a line seems to be crucial. If they laugh at you, ridicule you, invalidate you or think you are worthless - let this be their problem. It doesn't worth the effort to pretend, to wear a mask all the time and trying to be someone I am not - just to feel accepted. (This way, they'd accept that false self and not the real one.)

TL; DR: if they -anyone - cannot accept you and cannot see the worthy and good things in you, then it's their problem and they might as well go away.

 

[IsThisTheEnd?]

I do find personally if you turn round and say right, your right I'm no good shall I just kill myself, now there say ok now you're crazy but you told me I was no good and I listened.

 

[Hood of Bone]

Developing a healthy level of egoism and a normal, healthy way of thinking "I don't give a f*ck" is necessary to do if we really want to recover.

You're definitely right, but I feel like I'm faking it when I act confident, like if people knew who I really am they'd know I have no reason to be confident about anything except my own chances of failure. People always say "fake it till you make it" but I must be really bad at faking it, because I've been trying that for years and I'm no closer to making it.

 

[Shadowrider]

You're definitely right, but I feel like I'm faking it when I act confident, like if people knew who I really am they'd know I have no reason to be confident about anything except my own chances of failure. People always say "fake it till you make it" but I must be really bad at faking it, because I've been trying that for years and I'm no closer to making it.

Oh yeah, I see. You fear others see your insecurity and they treat you like this?
I don't think faking it until you make it is the best solution. At least it didn't work for me.
Some inner work - discovering who you really are, what your strongest sides are, forcing yourself to be adventurous enough and give your ideas a try - seems to be better. This is more real and so you don't depend on what others think.

 

[Cherry Crumpet]

I've dealt with self hatred for a good portion of my adult life. One thing i've found.. that kind of helps, is to imagine who you are but as a third party. eg: if you had a friend that has all the qualities and flaws that you see in yourself, would you also hate them beyond reproach. When I think of it this way, I often can pull myself at least somewhat out of the spiral.

I've also begun to look at life as more of a passenger view. I don't want to say passive.. but the idea that all this shit happened and we just happened to pop into existence, here, at this time, at the place we're at... and maybe it sucks and it's horrible.. but at the same time, I still wanna see what will happen next, because it's the only chance i'll get. So I'll just go along with the flow, and let life carry me where ever it pleases.

In that sense, I kind of stop seeing myself as this collection of major faults and problems and more of just, another blob of existence that the universe decided should exist at this moment. So if the universe or just random chaos somehow made me exist right now, maybe I don't have to like myself or the life I'm leading, because at the end of it, it's not like I choose it - I popped into existience without my concent, so who cares if I don't measure up in the messed up existence I popped into.

Sorry, I got pretty rambly and didn't make a lot of sense there.

 

[Hood of Bone]

Sorry, I got pretty rambly and didn't make a lot of sense there.

You made sense to me. The "imagine who you are as a third party" tactic is pretty much the only thing that helps to alleviate my self-loathing. I try to imagine another 24-year-old guy with no friends who has never had a girlfriend, and ask myself whether I would really feel as much withering disdain for that guy as I do for myself. I also try to view life in the existential way that you're talking about, the mindset of "this is all inexplicable and pointless so let's just see what happens and go along for the ride." It's the best way to think of things, but I still can't help but feel dragged down all the time by the weight of my shame and inadequacies. I can't shake the feeling that my existence is defined by my lack of friends and romance, and that life isn't worth living if you don't have those things.

 

[motel rooms]

This person is not lovable, not wantable, not likeable. How the hell am I supposed to accept him, let alone love him? Its not possible.

There's no point in sugarcoating it: it's hard & it's a lifelong struggle...

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

I think it's more about accepting that you don't like yourself, then. I don't like that I have cringy needs that won't get fulfilled, but I accept it and try to spin it to draw some kind of strength from the shitfuck.