Venting Self-absorbed drunk rant #11

[GenesAndEnvironment]

I realize I've been using alloplastic defenses for years now. I have become somewhat narcissistic and considered myself "different"/"unique" instead of just "inferior" (which is way closer to "reality"/a way more simple way of looking at it/using language). Sure, if I lived in another world, I'd have been good. Or if things happened differently in childhood, then I'd be good. Or if my mother had a different diet during pregnancy, I'd be good enough. Or if my dad had been different, I'd be good enough. And? That's not how it works. All people would be great if things had gone their way. It's about whether you fit into whatever you need to fit into. That could mean trailblazing or "not fitting in" superficially, too, you know what I mean. Do your genes and environment bring you what you want or not? Are you getting what you want or not? Are things good for you or not?

Genes and environment. I don't know for sure that I have bad genetics--so what? My early life or whatever fucked me up and now I'm shit, then, there's not much difference. Maybe my genes are shit, too. I believe my dad was propped up a bit (managed to marry and shit like that) and that I just was propped up less. Again, no matter, no clue if that's correct, maybe my genes just mutated to get fucked up, then, does not matter. The big point is that I have been completely delusional and narcissistic as fuck, for several years, and for all of my time on this forum. It doesn't matter where it comes from, I AM WEAK AND RETARDED, I just need to look at the fucking facts. 1. Money. 2. Women. 3. Education. 4. Career/equivalent. 5. Talent/hobbies. 6. ETC. Reliable, REAL standards/measurements of the result of my GenesAndEnvironment in combination with my needs. NOT speculation/narc garbage excuses.

"Oh, I'm actually 'genetically attractive'", I'm "a deep thinker", I'd be "good at romance", "it's not over yet"... INSANE! I am not attractive, I was never attractive. I shut my fucking mouth and looked decent, then used cowardly strategies to not look stupid. That's it, that's why I thought I was somehow "genetically attractive" and "intelligent". The real measure of someone (genes and environment) is where they end up. I look at my life, that's how smart I am. I look at my life, that's how attractive I am. I look at my life, that's how successful I am. FUCKING ZERO.

"Boo-hoo, women date guys that rape/beat them instead of me." YES, BECAUSE DATING YOU WOULD BE WORSE!!! THEY'D RATHER DATE SOMEONE THAT WILL KILL THEM AND THEIR CHILDREN THAN A BASEMENT-DWELLING PIECE OF SHIT, WEAK RETARD!!! This is the truth. I am shit, it's not everyone else being stupid and not seeing how smart or special I am. It's not women's fault for being forced to go for someone violent because I'm completely out of the picture. It's not employers' fault for not wanting to hire someone that can't stay at one place for more than a month, is depressed and suicidal, and has no motivation at all, and can't function without female attention. I have a few things I know more than others, so does everyone else. And anyone could figure out what I figured out in weeks, while I needed YEARS in a quiet fucking basement to get it right, after several costly mistakes. And I'm still nowhere close to the average Joe, ON ANY FRONT. Be it knowledge/money/power/health/ANYTHING, I am FAR BEHIND the "stupid normie" and the "neurotypical", and ALL autistic/non-normie women would go for those guys IN AN INSTANT over me. And ALL employers would hire those guys IN AN INSTANT instead of me. AND. THEY. WOULD. BE. RIGHT.

I got lucky with having parents that don't beat me and that didn't kick me out at 18. I got lucky that I can drink beer and play Mass Effect. I got lucky that I didn't start doing hard drugs. LUCKY! FORTUNATE!!! This is me AT MY BEST. I will admit, however, it would be best to not be born. But, again, it's their call and they managed to handle their shit (unlike me). Anger towards them? Insane. Anger towards society? Insane. I am the problem, doesn't matter if I am "just" my genes and environment, I am still the problem. This body, this brain, no matter how it was formed.

I am glad that I might be able to let go of this dark triad/narcissistic shit-show before I die. I am where I should be, I have what I should have (way more, actually). I am shit, that's why my life is shit. That's it.

Can't not post it now, even though I know I'll regret it (like with all of my other posts). Please don't comment and let it sink the fuck away. Hopefully my last thread. I can only write these shitty self-absorbed threads when I am drunk. I don't think it actually makes someone's forum-browsing experience worse, but I hope to stop soon.

 

[Enigmatic Sailor]

"It is not the most intellectual of the species that survives; it is not the strongest that survives; but the species that survives is the one that is able best to adapt and adjust to the changing environment in which it finds itself." -- Charles Darwin

 

[noname223]

I realize I've been using alloplastic defenses for years now. I have become somewhat narcissistic and considered myself "different"/"unique" instead of just "inferior" (which is way closer to "reality"/a way more simple way of looking at it/using language). Sure, if I lived in another world, I'd have been good. Or if things happened differently in childhood, then I'd be good. Or if my mother had a different diet during pregnancy, I'd be good enough. Or if my dad had been different, I'd be good enough. And? That's not how it works. All people would be great if things had gone their way. It's about whether you fit into whatever you need to fit into. That could mean trailblazing or "not fitting in" superficially, too, you know what I mean. Do your genes and environment bring you what you want or not? Are you getting what you want or not? Are things good for you or not?

Genes and environment. I don't know for sure that I have bad genetics--so what? My early life or whatever fucked me up and now I'm shit, then, there's not much difference. Maybe my genes are shit, too. I believe my dad was propped up a bit (managed to marry and shit like that) and that I just was propped up less. Again, no matter, no clue if that's correct, maybe my genes just mutated to get fucked up, then, does not matter. The big point is that I have been completely delusional and narcissistic as fuck, for several years, and for all of my time on this forum. It doesn't matter where it comes from, I AM WEAK AND RETARDED, I just need to look at the fucking facts. 1. Money. 2. Women. 3. Education. 4. Career/equivalent. 5. Talent/hobbies. 6. ETC. Reliable, REAL standards/measurements of the result of my GenesAndEnvironment in combination with my needs. NOT speculation/narc garbage excuses.

"Oh, I'm actually 'genetically attractive'", I'm "a deep thinker", I'd be "good at romance", "it's not over yet"... INSANE! I am not attractive, I was never attractive. I shut my fucking mouth and looked decent, then used cowardly strategies to not look stupid. That's it, that's why I thought I was somehow "genetically attractive" and "intelligent". The real measure of someone (genes and environment) is where they end up. I look at my life, that's how smart I am. I look at my life, that's how attractive I am. I look at my life, that's how successful I am. FUCKING ZERO.

"Boo-hoo, women date guys that rape/beat them instead of me." YES, BECAUSE DATING YOU WOULD BE WORSE!!! THEY'D RATHER DATE SOMEONE THAT WILL KILL THEM AND THEIR CHILDREN THAN A BASEMENT-DWELLING PIECE OF SHIT, WEAK RETARD!!! This is the truth. I am shit, it's not everyone else being stupid and not seeing how smart or special I am. It's not women's fault for being forced to go for someone violent because I'm completely out of the picture. It's not employers' fault for not wanting to hire someone that can't stay at one place for more than a month, is depressed and suicidal, and has no motivation at all, and can't function without female attention. I have a few things I know more than others, so does everyone else. And anyone could figure out what I figured out in weeks, while I needed YEARS in a quiet fucking basement to get it right, after several costly mistakes. And I'm still nowhere close to the average Joe, ON ANY FRONT. Be it knowledge/money/power/health/ANYTHING, I am FAR BEHIND the "stupid normie" and the "neurotypical", and ALL autistic/non-normie women would go for those guys IN AN INSTANT over me. And ALL employers would hire those guys IN AN INSTANT instead of me. AND. THEY. WOULD. BE. RIGHT.

I got lucky with having parents that don't beat me and that didn't kick me out at 18. I got lucky that I can drink beer and play Mass Effect. I got lucky that I didn't start doing hard drugs. LUCKY! FORTUNATE!!! This is me AT MY BEST. I will admit, however, it would be best to not be born. But, again, it's their call and they managed to handle their shit (unlike me). Anger towards them? Insane. Anger towards society? Insane. I am the problem, doesn't matter if I am "just" my genes and environment, I am still the problem. This body, this brain, no matter how it was formed.

I am glad that I might be able to let go of this dark triad/narcissistic shit-show before I die. I am where I should be, I have what I should have (way more, actually). I am shit, that's why my life is shit. That's it.

Can't not post it now, even though I know I'll regret it (like with all of my other posts). Please don't comment and let it sink the fuck away. Hopefully my last thread. I can only write these shitty self-absorbed threads when I am drunk. I don't think it actually makes someone's forum-browsing experience worse, but I hope to stop soon.

Not sure how I can help you. You don't want a reply. But you seem to be in so much pain. I can relate to the pain of not having a fulfilling partnership or any success in terms of getting a job. I personally try to distract me, I try to trick me into a better mental condition. I dream naive dreams of hope which will never become true. I try to think more shortterm. I know longterm my life is fucked. I just try to make it through the next day. Not thinking too much about the futute and distract as good as possible from my unahappiness.
These thoughts are probably not helpful to anyone.
I just wanted to express that I can relate to your feelings.

Lots of virtual huggs. :)

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

You don't want a reply.

I just didn't want people to accidentally read it and get offended by the harsh language, but still wanted to express it to myself and whoever checks my profile.

But you seem to be in so much pain.

Nothing new there, same as always.

These thoughts are probably not helpful to anyone.
I just wanted to express that I can relate to your feelings.

Lots of virtual huggs. :)

No, those are actually very good ideas. Thank you for this.

 

[toseeyousmile]

yeah that took sometime for me to truly realize and believe in as well. We really can't blame others tbh and the past, this is just who we are at the end of the day, we have control over it and such and such but idk...

 

[Foresight]

You're definitely not retarded. If we want to be as real as it gets then let's be real. You are thinking, and that's probably part of the reason why you suffer. Ignorance is bliss. Your assessment that you're a deep thinker is accurate. Your suffering is justified. We just don't thrive in isolation. Involuntary celibacy can be hell. I know it is.

It's hard to take a deep look at yourself and be honest. What I don't believe is that you're low IQ or that there isn't a spark about you that you've noticed. I noticed, a lot of people here know. It's there, it is what it is. That spark might have made you feel a bit of self love against the current of your circumstances. The truth of the matter is there is greatness and weakness to you. I don't think a personality disorder is the reason why you feel good about yourself in some ways.

One thing that I've used to cope with this matter is to just be a good person as much as you can. The ways of the world can steal everything from you. Okay, your bank account is empty, there's no texts coming in on your phone, maybe you're unattractive, whatever it is. If you're good and kind then you're good and kind. That can't be taken from you. I think having SOMETHING the world can't steal from us is important. I'm dumb, I'm ugly, I'm broke, whatever, but I'm going out good. I nurtured that kindness for years and it's there now. And then you get to extend it to yourself. The harsh truth is that sometimes bad things happen to good people. Maybe there's a lot of potential and worth in you that you haven't quite worked out. Be good to yourself, this game is hard. We all know that. Keep that shred of love you have for yourself. Fuck the world, I'm a great person and 99.9% of the world despises me cause I'm ugly. The external world is cold. You still have that spark inside, and to be cliche it really isn't over until it's over.