Seeking thoughts and feelings on parents who exit.

[Garbage Person]

I'm struggling with the idea of leaving my two children (8 mo and 2 yr) without their biological father. I never wanted to be a parent until I met someone that really ignited a passion for life in myself and I thought they would be my home. She seemed like perfect mother material and I had no doubts that she was ready and madly into me for whatever reason. Well, I was wrong, as usual. We rushed into it and over time, she grew more distant and cold. It didn't take long for old demons to return and haunt me on a daily basis including feelings of inadequacy, distrust, hopelessness, etc. She decided to leave last November and take the kids after an argument. There's so much to this and I'm happy to answer questions as I'm new here and haven't shared anything but I didn't want to start the thread with a novel about my life.

Has anyone lost a parent to suicide and if so, what did you take away from it? If not, what are your thoughts on parents who choose to ctb? I feel like my departure can be completely justified on my end (not based solely on the information I provided), I just doubt they would be able to until they're fairly matured. Thanks for anything that anyone can share. Im very thankful for this community.

 

[Moon Flower]

I lost both my parents to suicide, and have slightly different takes on both.
My dad ctb when I was 18. He had gotten a head injury that altered his personality several months prior and had caught an assault charge. He didn't leave a note, but he did it the day before the bail bondsman contacted us about his case, so it wasn't hard to work out a motive. He pretty much left our family with no means of caring for ourselves and set my mom on the path to ctb all because he wasn't ready to accept responsibility for something he did. I was a bit angry at him for a while but it's been 11 years now, it's pretty much just whatever at this point.
My mom ctb when I was 21, after spending 3 years making constant attempts after my dad went. They had been together since they were young teens, and my mom had never worked and already had severe mental health issues. I found her reasoning to be a bit more understandable than my dad's. Everyone knew it was coming and couldn't be avoided, so it was in a way, more of a relief when she succeeded. She left individual notes for everyone and I still hold onto the one she left me.
My sister copes with it all by just bottling it up entirely. I don't really know what her coping is like, although she found both bodies so I imagine it's harder on her than me. I'm fairly open about what happened but my understanding of my own feelings is pretty limited. I feel like I've talked the whole thing to death (no pun intended) so there's nothing left to really feel about it. It's just a thing that happened. I'm not upset with either of my parents at all at this point, all that can be done for the dead is to hope that they're at peace.
Ultimately I think the survivor's attitudes towards death are what are going to determine how they cope long term. At first there's always shock, and always numbness, and always a sense of being abandoned, but the more I've personally thought about everything the more my mind changed. I don't blame myself, I know it had nothing to do with me, but that conclusion takes a while to reach no matter how logically you think. I feel like self blame is the visceral response at first.
I'm willing to answer any questions you may have, this might be really unstructured and not make a lot of sense, but I hope it's helpful.

 

[Thereisnothing]

Hello first welcome and thanks for sharing what you have.
I have not lost a parent to suicide but, lost my beloved Father just before Christmas. I am alone in the world now as my beautiful Mother passed in 2012. They were both my rocks and now my dad has gone my life is empty in so many ways and I just dont wish to be here anymore.
I know about how awful it is when relationships end and all the rawness and emotions it brings, it can be hell. Does she allow you to see the children? You say you feel like your departure can be completely justified on your end. If you take a step back a minute and ask yourself, how would you feel perhaps if you were their age and lost your father or how do you think you'd feel if you lost them? I dont have children as health prevented that happening, but I should imagine a parents love is immeasurable. I know the love my parents had for me was and vice versa. If my parents has taken their lives then I'd be inconsolable, but I dont think they would have ever gone down that road however bad it got because they always instilled in me to be strong (so hard to be I know). They knew over the years when I had my breakdowns over relationships and other things occurring that I was suicidal and did all they could to get me out of my despair.

I recall vividly one day mum and I talking as I was so low and she said she loved me so much, that although no matter how much it would destroy her to lose me, she would understand if I couldn't take it any longer. I knew and realized then, that she loved me so much she would risk me killing myself just so I wouldn't be suffering anymore. Hence I never ever did attempt to take my life. After mum died I got very suicidal and again I didn't do it, because dad and i only had one another and no matter how awful I was feeling, there was no way I could leave him.

I was very lucky to have such loving and caring parents, I know for some people its the opposite. As I said I am not a parent, but would like to think if I was, that however desperate things got for me, I'd still try and keep going for my children, be my instinct. Suicide leaves alot of debris behind, no matter what the circumstances and there will always be people we leave behind and their lives will be changed for ever. Prior to the Childrens mother leaving, if you suffer with mental health or suicidal tendencies, or has this come just with the devastation of the break up and the children being taken? Is your pain and desperation down to her leaving or are there other things?
I know how crushing it is when someone you think loves you and have life ahead together and then all comes crashing down, this is what my breakdowns were about, was truly hell, I thought was going totally crazy.

I'll leave it here as alot for you to digest, but do share anything you feel maybe helpful. We will try to help you the best we can, we all have varied experiences here. Take care.

 

[Garbage Person]

I'm still thinking a great deal about your responses, but I want to thank both of you for responding and giving me insight here. I hope peace can be found for us all. It's very difficult to fight that urge to want to be a provider, they are my responsibility after all. Yes, I am allowed to see them. No legal action has been taken by either of us, we just plan out times for me to see them. Unfortunately, I was evicted from my apartment mid December. She said she would help me out with bills through December but that didn't pan out. I ended up moving in with my friend who is like a bother to me. I can't really have the kids here as it's not safe for them. I lost my job this month and I'm down to my last bit of cash for now, still have things to pay off. I've idolized suicide since the age of 13. It would be difficult to say exactly what I could be diagnosed with, I've never been seen for mental health. I've always had a poor view of myself and the world around me for as long as I can remember. I'm sure I have sort of severe anxiety issues. I try to only shop around 3 or 4am to avoid people, general night owl, prone to isolation, can't hold a job. I'm also unusually quiet around people these days. I've suffered a loss of interest in most things. I don't feel like the break up contributed too much by itself, just the bleaker future it created for all parties involved. I've been through a few before, so many of the emotions weren't really new to me. It's hard to say how I would see things if I were in that situation. They are very young and the mother could easily replace me and spin my death however she feels is best. Personally, I've lost one parent to cancer when I was 18 and it just came as something I was preparing for during her struggle. Watching my grandmother die hit quite a bit harder. I've lost the majority of my family, and those that are still here aren't very involved. I've always accepted death as our destination, so I just carry the weight and remember them. I'm sure I'll have more to put in, I'm still digesting everything. Thank you both so much.

 

[voyager]

Hello, and welcome to the forum, GP! I haven't lost anyone to ctb. But since you asked, I'm not too fond of it. Especially when the kids are in the single digits or as in your case not even a year old. If they're in their teens I'd say, okay, it's a decision from long ago, the circumstances may have changed, and they're somewhat matured, but in this amount of time I feel it's a little irresponsible. Sorry. Not least because you're hinting that you had issues before the relationship. I have no gf, but even if I did, I wouldn't have kids, because I know I'm miserable and suicidal. It's the same reason I haven't had a pet in nine years. I just have this ideal of parenthood, providing the best surroundings and doing all one can for one's kids, because it'll shape them for the rest of their lives. But I'm not cut out for it anymore, and a home without love and joy is just crap. But, of course, there are plenty of those, and plenty of parents don't even contemplate the idea, but are utter shit and mess up their kids in so many unimaginable ways. So, I guess, you'll have to decide what kind of parent you can be and to what lengths you will go.

No matter what though, if you fail, you won't be the first, nor the last. I don't think you're a "garbage person" for contemplating the idea, nor a bad person. Most of us here have the urge to go, but it's circumstances which are holding us back. But you've made it tougher on yourself and those kids. Now only you can decide what kind of home it'll be and how it plays out.

 

[Garbage Person]

Thanks voyager, I appreciate and understand your views. My biggest mistake here was rushing into parenthood with her, I should have been wiser. I always felt like bringing children into the world today would be a mistake for me and I'm not sure how she was able to change my perspective so quickly but it felt right. I know that it could set a nasty foundation for their upbringing if I make the choice to exit, but I also know that at the end of the day, they will be responsible for making their own choices and finding their own way in life. I could give guidance, but I'd feel like a fraud. I've mostly relied on substance abuse during many periods in my life to fill voids. I don't have any real skills I can hand down as I am today. I've mostly worked customer service jobs, with some factory and management mixed in. No hobbies I'm passionate about. It's difficult to know exactly how to guide them in life when I never really found my own way. I see life in America as a bit of a nightmare, from cradle to grave. There's not much resisting the general path here, and more control over the masses seems to always be in order. I just don't know anymore, I feel incredibly lost and have for a while. I don't even have an idea of what my own perfect reality would be since I lost touch with whatever there is to gain from life, if I ever understood or knew what I wanted to gain in the first place. I could still be there for them though, if they wanted that. I feel like thats the most I have to offer anyone anymore. Sorry for the rambling, if it is. I'm very out of it today and just slow.
lunarpoppies420 your post makes sense and is very helpful. Do you feel like a note from your father would have helped in any way then or now?

 

[voyager]

It's fine, and I understand. Most of what you wrote in #4 seems way too familiar anyhow. It's not easy providing for others when one is so occupied with oneself. Btw, you're a little younger than me, but got your suicidal ideation three years sooner, so, I don't blame you for thinking this might have been it and trying to lead a normal life for once. If not then, when? What you wrote about being there for them, though, can be enough, that's far more than many parents do, and your advice and experience is still valuable, even if it's just to prevent them from making the same mistakes we did. I suppose the question then is can you make the commitment? And I agree, there's no denying leaving now would be easier on them if you can't make it 15-20 years. It really is a long time, but on the upside maybe you can take some strength and joy from your children, as well, and maybe something does turn for the better, although I'm really cautious with this, because it might get worse, too. It's hard. One thing I'm wondering, what do you think of your ex? Do you trust her with your children? How would she take it? Is she aware of your ideas? If so, what does she think? Do you think she would cut you out of your children's lives if she had another bf?

 

[Garbage Person]

It really did seem like a good chance for a good path at the time. As far as how I feel about her, it's difficult not to be angry. She told me to get help but wasn't willing to stick by my side in the process. I can't completely blame her though, everyone has their own way of dealing with hardships and this was something she felt she couldn't do. There's no way I would accept her back in my life, I don't really believe in second chances once you walk away and there were too many lies on her part during the process. I do trust her with the kids overall. They won't go abused or humgry, so at least the basics are covered. I wish she would put her phone down though and form a stronger bond with them while she has them most of the time. She is aware of my thoughts but has no idea how much time and research I've put into it and that it's currently my go to plan. I'm not sure what she thinks about it. She never really opened up about "negative" topics. I don't think she would ever cut me out of their lives, she wants me in their lives. Once a new bf comes along, I would assume she would see more as a free babysitter to form a better relationship with her new partner. It wouldn't be an easy thing for me to go through since her and I didn't have the luxury of our own personal time or even time together for just us. It would be about the kids though, not her. My biggest concerns mostly revolve around financial troubles and my lack of a drive to do much of anything.

 

[awfullife]

Hey Garbage

I'm in a situation somewhat similar to you. I have two kids (9 and 7) and am unable to afford to live near them due to child support. I now live with my dad a couple hours away and am considering CTB as well. I have only seen my kids once in the last year and hope that the distance could help them process my CTB. It's hard dude. I definitely know it's not the right thing to do, and I try to push on and choose life, but in the end, I just feel like a mule who works 12 hours a day to pay child support and have no life worth living. I wish you well brother.

 

[voyager]

Yeah @Garbage Person, that's not so bad and can put your mind at ease a little should you move ahead. I haven't known too many people either who've followed through hardships, so I guess it's probably more appropriate to laud those who do. As for drive and financials I think most of us here are in this mess. It's hard enough working to live, let alone to be suicidal and miserable. I probably shouldn't bother asking, but I don't suppose you can get some form of disability support in Illinois?

 

[SuiSqueeze92]

It's not good I'll tell you that. After my dad passed I lost interest in everything, especially baseball but I ended up stopping later on because it felt half ass if he couldn't be there type thing. Anyway, his mom has cancer so she refused treatment and passed shortly after, but she would've anyway given her state of mind after the shock as well. She was caring for her brothers, one was mentally handicapped, so they ended up in a home, refused food and they both passed. My aunt then OD'd on pills like him and gave her kids grief. It's a constant cycle of just passing on "the torch". I spent my childhood years wondering what I did wrong and losing grip of reality as my illness set in and became very distant, even OD'd myself drinking hycodan syrup playing Left 4 Dead and knew at that point I had a severe problem and I was 15, stealing my moms lorazepam and klonopin as well, stole money etc. These days I just see it as I'd rather endure the pain all myself and live on because I'm strong enough compared to my family of what's left or my gf and that a suicide would just finish off what was started and possibly ruin yet again another fresh start for someone else. I also have molestation issues from another person so that also plays into things as well, just so I'm not making a statement saying "this is what will happen"

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

Garbage person-

Thank you for asking, and welcome.

While I don't have personal experience to share with you, I have worked with children throughout my career. They have confided in me some difficult and unfortunate things over the years. I hope you'll indulge me for a minute.

Children have an amazing ability to blame themselves for everything. While they may be young now, they will grow to an age when your death must be discussed. They will wonder if it is their fault. They may wonder why they were not special enough to make you stay. They may wonder why you didn't try harder to stay.

There is nothing wrong with customer service jobs. The idea that everyone will have a fulfilling, important job is a fantasy. It is a cruel lie told to children who do not realize that only a few dozen people have ever been astronauts. That a town of thousands of people only needs 30 firefighters. Someone has to serve the French fries, mop the floors, run the cash register. Please do not feel small about your employment. Perhaps your contribution to the world will come from a hobby, a single important act, serving as a sponsor to others who abuse substances or maybe, just maybe - through the raising of two wonderful new citizens of planet Earth.

I personally feel that parents must exhaust every single, solitary chance at life before ctb. No matter if it's hard. No matter if they have to keep, keep, keep trying. When you become a parent, you put your kids ahead of yourself. Now you have to keep trying for them, even if it's not your preference. Because they come first.

 

[Backwood_tilt]

I personally feel that parents must exhaust every single, solitary chance at life before ctb. No matter if it's hard. No matter if they have to keep, keep, keep trying. When you become a parent, you put your kids ahead of yourself. Now you have to keep trying for them, even if it's not your preference. Because they come first.

Seconded.

Too many of us are here because of the mistakes or follies of our own parents. God forbid you set another soul down the road that leads them to a site like SS.

This is just my personal opinion, but your life was no longer your own the second that baby was born. And the next.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

@Garbage Person, I want to tell you that I have a lot of respect for you.

From the first post and every post that followed, you have exhibited great self awareness. The demons you mentioned, so many men have them and are not aware of them, yet such demons are detrimental to relationships. Most men are not able or willing to do the work to resolve those issues, and you are. I applaud the hell out of that. So many women would do anything to have the man they loved make that effort, unfortunately you were not with one of those women, and it sounds like she has an equal share of issues and the relationship is better off ended.

You asked such a wise question, and you are engaging with the responses.

You have the essential man thing that actually a lot of men lack - the drive to be responsible for your family. Your kids are lucky, even if you can't do it right now. You are still a powerful male influence and you seem to want to walk your talk.

You have awareness that if you ctb, your ex has free reign to say whatever she wants.

You have challenges and you are imperfect. This is 100% human. Something else you have is an unlimited opportunity to be an example to your kids of how to try to responsibly manage the challenges of life, how to weather storms, how to learn and grow from your mistakes as mistakes are avoidable for us all, how to recover from wounds, how to seek new options when one fails, how to build inner resources, to not go back to someone who is unhealthy for you, etc.

I know the current situation is hard and there are a lot of challenges. I hope you can give yourself a break and go a little easier on yourself. I think your kids are lucky to have such a conscientious and self-aware dad. I believe they are much better off with you as you are. I think they are too young to be capable of understanding and I agree with the post that said kids have an incredible ability to take on responsibility for what their parents do; if the parent hurts them, it must be their fault, because how can the world be safe or manageable if the one who is supposed to love and protect them hurts or abandons them? If the parent loves and protects them, it validates that they are worthy and helps them build self-worth. You are worthy of your kids' love, respect, and trust.

Anyhow, this is how I view you and your situation, based on what you've shared. Don't let me define you. But I hope the outside perspective helps you see yourself and the current situation more accurately, whatever that actually looks like.

I'm glad you're here and look forward to other posts from you if you engage with the community. I wish you success and peace in everything.

 

[Garbage Person]

@awfullife I'm sorry to hear that you can't see your kids. I can't imagine how much pain that causes. Child support can easily ruin someone and it's a huge fear of mine if I can't start supporting them more adequately. I wish you the best as well and hope there's a way things can turn around for you since you clearly want to be in their lives.

@voyager I'm honestly not sure what kind of assistance I could get. I would have to look into the process but I'm assuming I would have to be diagnosed with something and I have a very hard time trusting that industry. I'm curious how many people here have made progress through doctors,therapy, or medicine. I also don't want to be a burden on the state, I'd rather be self sufficient if I can muster the energy and will to commit. This is all something I should at least look into so I know my options.

@SuiSqueeze92 I'm sorry that life has given you so much to take on. It's very honorable that you're choosing to carry it and not contribute to the pain of those left around you. I went through something similar as far as stealing to finance my drug habits. I stole from family and friends, lost quite a few in the process. It was a time when I was truly self indulgent with no regards for anything or anyone. I'm glad you're staying strong, I wish you peace on your journey.

@UpandDownPrincess One of the main things I'm getting from the thread so far is that the kids would very likely spend some time blaming and questioning themselves. I share the same sentiments regarding parenting. It's exactly that reason I'm here. I know I'll need support regardless of which path I choose and the topics are either too touchy or I get religious advice from the three people I interact with, and I've never found religion helpful, it's not for me. As far as work, I just wish I would have found a passion for something so this didn't seem like something more akin to slavery rather than a pursuit of happiness. I love my kids and I wish I could say that they are my passion, but if that were true, I feel like I would be doing so much more and not contemplating my life. I do also feel that overwhelming sensation to get my life together, but it comes in waves and generally gets drowned out by an equally overwhelming feeling of hopelessness. I really appreciate what you're giving me to think on.

@Backwood_tilt This is the current struggle. I can't help but feel like suicide in my position would be selfish, even though I never viewed the act as such. I have an idea of how to be a good parent but I also still can't shake that no matter what I do, there's so much that will have to learn for themselves. They could end up here regardless of any variable that involves me. My parents never really hurt me. I spent a lot of time alone and was raised primarily by my mother, but it was a family. I felt like I had a home and things were whole. It never really stopped me from feeling miserable and that situation ended up broken in the end. I put them through hell in my teenage years and they kicked me out at 17, had already been expelled from high school earlier that year. I know I brought that all on myself. I tried to fix things the best I could and learned a lot along the way. I'm going to try to apply some of that to this situation and rethink things. I'm open to the idea of being here for them, but I also question if it's fair for them to be the only piece that keeps me going.

@GoodPersonEffed Thank you for your kind words. I am generally my own worst enemy. I over analyze things at time and am very critical of myself. I try to be aware of everything though and make rational decisions. I have a lot of work to do in that department. I'm still not sure what the future holds but I'm thinking things through and will certainly be around here both for myself and others if I can help or contribute.

Thanks again for giving me so much input and being there. I won't be thinking of much else at the moment. There's a lot for me to consider here.

 

[voyager]

Feel the same way about them. Have had three evaluations, and three different results. Yes, there is something wrong with me, but I just don't think we really have the medical expertise to ascertain and treat the underlying root cause (physical imho). Too much people get diagnosed purely based on symptoms and then the tinkering begins. Doesn't sound very professional to me. Having said that, worst case scenario, if you can fall back on some benefits it can help and provide a safety net. Depends, of course, on what they'll make you do, but you shouldn't feel bad about it. Dunno about your family, but mine has always paid taxes and we basically got nothing in return, apart from more tax forms. So, I don't really see it as their money to begin with. Have worked, too, but it made me completely miserable. Like you, I have social anxiety, so, I'd opt for night shifts to avoid commotion and people. Began drinking because of the situation. A temporary solution, but it has it's own set of problems in the long run. So, yeah, it's better to stay independent, agreed, but there's no shame in having something to fall back on, imho.

As for the kids, dunno, maybe it's different if one loses a parent to ctb, but I've never had a father either. He cheated on my mum when I was 5-6 years old and she kicked him out. He hadn't been much of a dad up to that point anyway, and I've seen him like 4-5 times in 35+ years. He really is a dick, but can't say I actually ever missed him, nor felt hostility towards him. Never bothered me, tbh, and it's not how I landed here either. Although that may be up for debate. Everyone's different, though, and don't get me wrong, I'm not saying your kids would feel the same about you, but that it's hard to miss someone or -thing you've never known, imho. Thus, it's hard to predict how your kids would feel about you or turn out either way. Your ex will play a part in that, too, of course. The flipside is that you can actively shape and influence them for good if you do stick around. A nasty predicament, but you do still have time to make that decision.

 

[Jean Améry]

Since you asked: I don't think parents should CTB unless it's absolutely certain their presence in their childrens' lives will be detrimental to them and they can't offer any value to their children at all. Not even marginally and from a distance (e.g. provide them with money, even if it's not much). Everything outside of that is child abandonment imo and highly immoral. When you bring a child into this world you forfeit the right to be selfish and choose your own well-being over theirs.

You may think you can justifiy this (everyone who's somewhat intelligent can rationalize their choices even if they are highly detrimental to others) but chances are your children will suffer because of your decision. I can't stop you but I hope you will at least think this through and put their well-being first and foremost. They didn't ask to be here and suffer the slings and arrows of life so at the very least you should do whatever you can to protect them and make their lives as good as possible. Even if you don't want to be here and are suffering.

My mother tried to off herself: it wasn't even a serious attempt with at least a decent chance of actually dying (typical bottle of OTC pills + alcohol scenario) but it scarred me and caused me a lot of grief affecting my mood, energy and willingness to work towards goals which snowballed out of control and cost me priceless relationships and chances I'll never get back. Imagine what would have happened had she actually succeeded...

 

[Moon Flower]

lunarpoppies420 your post makes sense and is very helpful. Do you feel like a note from your father would have helped in any way then or now?

I think a note would've done a lot for my mom, and the main source of anger towards him was the way he left my mom blaming herself and with no closure or comfort. I guess that in turn would've done something for me as well. Now it'd probably be comforting to have, the same way my mom's is

 

[Garbage Person]

@voyager We share the same feelings on seeking professional help then. I've personally watched too many people get taken advantage of or mistreated, and the financial aspect of anything health related here is a joke. My mother didn't have to work until later and my father was a manager of a chain store for over 20 years. My mother's cancer put them in hole, bankruptcy, the works. Then the company he worked for went under, and now he just considers himself retired. I feel for him. Things have changed now and it's not as easy to raise a family on a single income like it was before. I'm sorry to hear about your dad. I agree that it's hard to miss someone that you don't remember well.

@Jean Amèry I have to agree that it would it be somewhat selfish since I'm still helping as much as I can under these circumstances. I'm still trying to decide if I'm for the best. My actions basically determine if I'm a father, or merely a sperm donor. I know the mother still plans on continuing with her education, so she means well. I think things could turn out in a number of ways for them regardless of what I do, but I think the mother has the right idea so far and that helps. They are young enough that she could replace me with someone who could provide better. By the time I dig myself out of this hole, it may be too little, too late. I wasn't prepared for this situation at all and I just don't know what I'm doing. I'm still hanging on for the kids as of now though. I have one job prospect that might turn out, but I'm not getting my hopes up. Thanks for sharing this, it helps.
@lunarpoppies420 I've thought a lot about what you shared. I originally didn't plan on leaving a note for anyone, but if I carry through with it I may change that. I wouldn't want things to get too hard on my ex and her potentially blame herself, and make it harder on the kids as a result, in anyway. I don't think she would ever end her own life, but things can change. I'm not sure how she is handling her stress these days and I try not concern myself with it. If you don't mind me asking, is you sister around your age as well? I hope she shares a strong bond with you, and supports you since you both shared that experience together.

 

[Moon Flower]

@Garbage Person My sister is 33 and I'm 29. We're not very close though

 

[Supersadmommy90]

Briefly replying to this thread because I am in similar shoes with kids in the single digits. The worst part is knowing how this world will, absolutely, without a doubt, damage them without me here to protect them. That keeps me clinging to life by a thread at most some days. But I'm still here.

I made a similar post when I was new to this forum and someone replied with the following words that have haunted me ever since, and I'll share them with you now. CTB-ing will alter the course of their lives. That's it. Their lives won't be what they would have been with you there to fulfill your role as guide and caregiver. They will have to substitute other people and things for what you would have fulfilled in their lives, and that is a huge deprivation to deal with at such a young age.

Having said that, I am totally with you 100% on being over your own life, dreading every day, and overall just suffering like an abused dog. That is legit and valid. Might I suggest a sanctuary age? That is a date for ctb set in the future that might provide you with enough comfort and motivation to see your kids through at least the single digits. Your death will profoundly affect them at any age and for any reason, but moreso the younger they are. If you can make it even another 10 years that would be huge for them developmentally speaking. And you can still get your release and your relief eventually even if it is delayed.

That is my plan and that is what keeps me going.

 

[Garbage Person]

@lunarpoppies420 I understand, and thanks for getting back to me. I never want to come off as cold in this community. I knew signing up that there would be a great deal of pain and suffering shared, both experiences and feelings. I certainly don't take anything here lightly. I always feel compelled to try and offer something to ease pain, but I know there's nothing I can say. I'm definitely evaluating things as far as my situation. I'm not sure I could ever feel good about leaving them alone unless there was no other option. I feel like my mental instability is bound to have an impact in some way regardless though as well.
@Shelterfromthestorm Yes, you definitely understand then. I'm being very hard on myself for bringing them into the world in the first place. It mostly comes from the relationship not working out. I know that's pretty common these days sadly, but I still feel like the home is broken now by deafult anyway and I'm worried of how her side of the family will speak of me to the kids. I don't really feel like I can protect them. I know they will face hardships their whole life no matter what I do. I'll always just hope they find solutions, and passion in life.

I am strongly considering the idea of a later date so I can use my preferred method as well as get more time with them. I'll still be thinking about everything and weighing my options. It's hard for me to say for sure that I would commit to anything in my current state. If I didn't have a roommate, it might be easy just to stay in bed for good.

 

[k75]

I have not lost a parent, but I have a friend whose mother killed herself when she was very young, and she was the one to find her. It really messed her up. She has PTSD from it decades later, and she still blames herself for it even though it had nothing to do with her and she knows that. She also still misses her mom, and she'll never get over it.

I'm a parent, but mine is 22. We live in different states, and he only remembers me sometimes it seems like. But I do struggle with this. I wonder all the time what it will do to him when I can't take it anymore. I try to tell myself he won't care because he won't even know until someone tells him probably. And it'll probably be later, so he'll be oblivious for who knows how long. But the reality is probably different; it just makes my decision easier to tell myself that. I'm afraid it makes me a bad person if I do it, but I don't know if I can live like this much longer.

 

[voyager]

I'm a parent, but mine is 22. We live in different states, and he only remembers me sometimes it seems like. But I do struggle with this. I wonder all the time what it will do to him when I can't take it anymore. I try to tell myself he won't care because he won't even know until someone tells him probably. And it'll probably be later, so he'll be oblivious for who knows how long. But the reality is probably different; it just makes my decision easier to tell myself that. I'm afraid it makes me a bad person if I do it, but I don't know if I can live like this much longer.

Honestly, it doesn't. Your child is 22, you've drifted apart a little, so, really, if that were still something to feel responsible about no one would ever be able to kill themselves. You've done all you could, now it is your life again and only just to take your own interests at heart, imho. This isn't encouragement, ofc, just saying how I'd feel about it. For me it's the other way round, my mum is in her late 70's. Her health isn't the best, but she's still of sound mind. How many years she has left I really don't know. It would be easier to commit if I did. Thing is though, I don't even want her to die just so I can kill myself. Ideally, I kill myself, she understands, and goes on to live a few more blissful years doing something she wants.

 

[Garbage Person]

@k75 In general, I don't think the act makes anyone a bad person. With your child at 22, they should at least be able to support themselves provided there are no handicaps. You've done what I think most would consider necessary. If you decide to check out, I hope you can make peace with that aspect and depart without feeling like a bad person. Death of a parent will always effect the child, but it's also the natural order of things and something everyone will go through that lives long enough. Hopefully at 22, he will eventually be able to come to a logical conclusion that you were in pain and needed release, and that he is not at fault. It's not the same situation at all but it was comforting to know my mother was no longer in pain after she passed. I truly think I'd feel the same today if that was suicide due to suffering, and not terminal illness.

 

[k75]

@Garbage Person Thank you. I just feel so guilty. He also suffers from depression, and my fear is that he truly cares and isn't as distant as he seems, and that I might push him over the edge. I don't want him to hurt himself because of me. He's been really stable lately and has a nice girlfriend who supports him, and I don't want to do anything to ruin his life.

 

[Soul]

My mother killed herself when I was 2 months old and my sister was 2 years old. My father (an aviator) had died when I was 11 days old and she just didn't care about anything but him. My sister and I have scars we'll never get over, helped along by thoughtless remarks like "what a shame you weren't enough for your mother to want to go on living". I don't know what that conveys to anyone else, but for us it's this endless "you were not enough; you failed; you're to blame".

It's like an amputation. The child has to somehow learn to get by without a basic necessity that other people have without effort. Love. Home. Family. I can only guess about the confidence/security that goes with those things, and with never wondering why you don't deserve those things.

I had myself sterilized to avoid ever being deluded into imagining I could raise a child without damaging him/her.

At the same time ... I watch friends whose parents are now getting sick/feeble and dying at a normal age, and see that in some ways it might be seen as lucky not to go through that as an adult.

Would a note help? I don't know what it would have to say. "It's not your fault. I love you -" Okay, but she didn't love me enough to make sure I'd have a good start in life.

If she had died valiantly, like fighting fires in Australia or saving someone's life, maybe that would have hurt less. I still feel willy-nilly to blame for my father's death too, though, so I don't know.

They just plain shouldn't have had children.

 

[k75]

They just plain shouldn't have had children.

First of all, I am so sorry you had to experience that. The people who told you those things... I don't know. It's a monstrous thing to say.

I never wanted kids. Mine was a result of rape, and I was young and not equipped to make any kind of decision. I basically wavered so much between the options that by the time I decided on anything it was way too late. I love him though, and I consider him every time I think about suicide.

 

[Garbage Person]

@Soul I'm heartbroken to hear that you had to endure comments like that, honestly makes my blood boil. It's commendable that you went to the lengths to get sterilized to ensure that you can remain in control. It leads to a downward spiral of thoughts when I consider the fact that their suffering may not result in anything more than resentment and more suffering. I know that's typically the case. Maybe I'm a bit of an asshole for bringing people into the world that may assign no value to anything and recede into a nihilistic state of decay, or worse. I try to remind myself that many people turn their suffering into works of art, or use their struggles as a way to channel energy into solving problems and inventing, which in either case could help numerous individuals with their daily struggles. Of course this isn't typically the case. Looking back at my youth, I mostly took a nihilistic approach to most things myself after an anarcho-primitivism phase. At the end of the day, when everything we know is guaranteed to end and be forgotten, it's difficult for me feel like any of this matters.
@k75 Wow. You never even asked for the responsibility and still risked your life carrying and caring for your son. I don't think less of those that don't make your choice, but I seriously respect you for that. You have a heart of gold and you're a great mother for considering his feelings.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

@Garbage Person

To consider:

Your kids exist. The choice can't be undone. The choice you are considering can be avoided, and if pursued, cannot be undone. The latter is the one in your power now.

NO ONE is ever prepared to be a parent.

No one can replace you for them. Substitute yes, replace no.

Abandonment causes as much pain and challenge, if not more, than active physical abuse.

ALL kids are negatively impacted by their parents. All humans are negatively impacted by other humans. That's just life. They may resent you for things outside of your control. Resenting one's parents is empowering. All leaders are subject to hate and blame. What you are considering will traumatize them. In comparison, most abusers justify their abuse. You are justifying something far more devastating, and you are exponentially increasing the odds that they will ideate and attempt ctb as a solution to surmountable problems.

Ima raise my voice a little here so I can be heard over the interference:

You consciously decided to bring them into the world, and you now are considering another conscious decision that will utterly devastate their experience of living in the world, and will urge them throughout the rest of their existence to exit out of it.

Even young children attempt suicide, and ctb is often a fairly quick response to another's ctb.