shy
Student
- Aug 23, 2020
- 122
Long story, but I just had to get it off my chest.
I've decided that before I CTB, I want to at least try to tackle my issues head on. I have had anxiety for years now, while anxiety isn't the root cause for me being suicidal, I think living would be a lot easier without it.
So, I contacted my GP and scheduled an appointment to talk about it, that appointment was today. I really didn't want to go and only followed through because I posted about it here before.
It was a fucking shitshow, I was like a deer in headlights, the first few minutes are just one big blur. I could sort of function once I sat down, too late. I realized then that I just agreed to having a doctor in training sit in on our conversation. Why does this med-student have to be interning when I finally muster up the courage to seek help? And even worse why do I answer every question with yes when I'm panicking? I could just have said no.
The next 30 minutes where hellish, I started crying not even 5 minutes in, it felt good though, I can't remember the last time I cried properly like that. My GP has known me and my family for a long time, so he brought up all the shit I didn't want to talk about. I ended up crying in front of two people instead of one and the trainee has a ton of dirt on me now. I already put her on my hitlist, my imaginary gang of thugs is going to make sure that she won't talk. It's not that bad, when I think about it rationally. I spend a lot of energy hiding my anxiety, I'd be more relaxed if more people knew about it.
A normal consultation is 15 minutes, they spent 30+ with me and it felt like he genuinely wanted to help me get better. I walked out of there, tears still running down my cheeks. I felt sort of relieved, but also tiered. Why does recovery have to be so hard? I would honestly prefer to just fall over and be dead. However, I'm committed to give it my best shot.
The waiting list for psychologist is very long, if you were to take the standard route. So, my GP and I have decided that it's faster to go through a program my university offers. The thought of contacting them makes my skin crawl. He also prescribed me benzos…. I don't know if taking them is a good call!? He was even talking about getting me on SSRIs.
I've decided that before I CTB, I want to at least try to tackle my issues head on. I have had anxiety for years now, while anxiety isn't the root cause for me being suicidal, I think living would be a lot easier without it.
So, I contacted my GP and scheduled an appointment to talk about it, that appointment was today. I really didn't want to go and only followed through because I posted about it here before.
It was a fucking shitshow, I was like a deer in headlights, the first few minutes are just one big blur. I could sort of function once I sat down, too late. I realized then that I just agreed to having a doctor in training sit in on our conversation. Why does this med-student have to be interning when I finally muster up the courage to seek help? And even worse why do I answer every question with yes when I'm panicking? I could just have said no.
The next 30 minutes where hellish, I started crying not even 5 minutes in, it felt good though, I can't remember the last time I cried properly like that. My GP has known me and my family for a long time, so he brought up all the shit I didn't want to talk about. I ended up crying in front of two people instead of one and the trainee has a ton of dirt on me now. I already put her on my hitlist, my imaginary gang of thugs is going to make sure that she won't talk. It's not that bad, when I think about it rationally. I spend a lot of energy hiding my anxiety, I'd be more relaxed if more people knew about it.
A normal consultation is 15 minutes, they spent 30+ with me and it felt like he genuinely wanted to help me get better. I walked out of there, tears still running down my cheeks. I felt sort of relieved, but also tiered. Why does recovery have to be so hard? I would honestly prefer to just fall over and be dead. However, I'm committed to give it my best shot.
The waiting list for psychologist is very long, if you were to take the standard route. So, my GP and I have decided that it's faster to go through a program my university offers. The thought of contacting them makes my skin crawl. He also prescribed me benzos…. I don't know if taking them is a good call!? He was even talking about getting me on SSRIs.
