Seeking Advice for friend with suicidal daughter

[Kyrok]

One of my best friends phoned me today and told me his 15yr old daughter has been cutting herself and is currently hospitalized after a breakdown where she disclosed to her parents she is suicidal.

She's very bright and pretty. She has friends, no abuse in her life, and her family is fine financially.

She does, however, have an autoimmune condition that made her sick quite often before puberty.

He and I have spoken about the psychological impact of poor health growing up (an issue for me as well) and I think that can underlie depression and anxiety even after symptoms abate... lack of confidence, worry, fear, a sense that good things can't last and that one is damaged, inferior, etc..

One thing I want to discuss with them: don't assume this goes away, but also don't assume it will ruin her life. She may, like me, be driven to over-acheive and end up swinging between great successes and miserable depression.

For the ladies here, especially those who self-harm with cutting, any advice? He and I will talk more tomorrow -- and he'll tell me what meds she is on.

 

[TheCrow]

One of my best friends phoned me today and told me his 15yr old daughter has been cutting herself and is currently hospitalized after a breakdown where she disclosed to her parents she is suicidal.

She's very bright and pretty. She has friends, no abuse in her life, and her family is fine financially.

She does, however, have an autoimmune condition that made her sick quite often before puberty.

He and I have spoken about the psychological impact of poor health growing up (an issue for me as well) and I think that can underlie depression and anxiety even after symptoms abate... lack of confidence, worry, fear, a sense that good things can't last and that one is damaged, inferior, etc..

One thing I want to discuss with them: don't assume this goes away, but also don't assume it will ruin her life. She may, like me, be driven to over-acheive and end up swinging between great successes and miserable depression.

For the ladies here, especially those who self-harm with cutting, any advice? He and I will talk more tomorrow -- and he'll tell me what meds she is on.

Would it be weird if you talked to her? It sounds like you relate to her on a lot of issues and might be a good person for her to talk to.

 

[Kyrok]

Would it be weird if you talked to her? It sounds like you relate to her on a lot of issues and might be a good person for her to talk to.

I think I could help her a lot. I doubt talking on the phone would be adequate, but if my friend asks, I would fly out there (I'm about 1500 miles away). I think it would be too weird for me to offer, however.

Of course, if I ctb, that would not send a good message. -- So, conflicted in a way: I would have to hide my current mood.

 

[TheCrow]

I think I could help her a lot. I doubt talking on the phone would be adequate, but if my friend asks, I would fly out there (I'm about 1500 miles away). I think it would be too weird for me to offer, however.

Of course, if I ctb, that would not send a good message. -- So, conflicted in a way: I would have to hide my current mood.

Damn! I didn't realize you were so far away. That's nice that you'd go out there if he'd ask, though.

And yeah, you'd have to keep that shit on the DL.

Do you ever find it strange in general when you interact with a young, impressionable person in your life, and then wonder what the fuck they're going to think when you're suddenly gone one day?

 

[Kyrok]

Do you ever find it strange in general when you interact with a young, impressionable person in your life, and then wonder what the fuck they're going to think when you're suddenly gone one day?

Oh, it is much worse than that for me. A lot of shit is on my shoulders.

 

[TheCrow]

Oh, it is much worse than that for me. A lot of shit is on my shoulders.

Damn. I'm really sorry. It must be really difficult trying to juggle that kind of responsibility and depression/wanting to CTB.

 

[Kyrok]

Damn. I'm really sorry. It must be really difficult trying to juggle that kind of responsibility and depression/wanting to CTB.

Imagine having a job that draws media interest but wanting to ctb. Early last year I lost my cool one day in public and basically truncated any further potential for my career. If I can hold on for five more years, I'll take early retirement and move to a small mountain town. All I want is a small home, a couple dogs, and a friend or two to hang out with.

 

[TheCrow]

Imagine having a job that draws media interest but wanting to ctb. Early last year I lost my cool one day in public and basically truncated any further potential for my career. If I can hold on for five more years, I'll take early retirement and move to a small mountain town. All I want is a small home, a couple dogs, and a friend or two to hang out with.

Five more years?! Hoooly shit. I'm like, can I make it another week? Retiring in a mountain town does sound nice, though. I've been watching a lot of Bob Ross when I'm stoned lately, and he paints a lot of nice mountain scenes. Living somewhere like that would be really relaxing for sure.

 

[21Neberg]

Five more years?! Hoooly shit. I'm like, can I make it another week? Retiring in a mountain town does sound nice, though. I've been watching a lot of Bob Ross when I'm stoned lately, and he paints a lot of nice mountain scenes. Living somewhere like that would be really relaxing for sure.

Watching Bob Ross, why have I not thought about this before? Seems like the most amazing way to calm down! Thanks for the advice.

 

[21Neberg]

As others have suggested, you most certainly should go talk to her. I was in her shoes once, and I would have robbed a bank to be able to talk to someone I know who truly understood me.

I wish you the best of luck, I'm sure you'll be able to help her!

 

[TheCrow]

Watching Bob Ross, why have I not thought about this before? Seems like the most amazing way to calm down! Thanks for the advice.

He's on Netflix!

 

[Smilla]

He's on Netflix!

Really?

 

[TheCrow]

Really?

Yeah! There's actually 2 series you can watch! (Don't mind my Black Mirror also in there!)

 

[Smilla]

View attachment 5551
Yeah! There's actually 2 series you can watch! (Don't mind my Black Mirror also in there!)

Cool. Used to watch him as a kid.

 

[TheCrow]

Cool. Used to watch him as a kid.

Nice. So good, right?! I read that he didn't like the way people yelled when he was in the military, so he vowed to never talk like that.

 

[Buddyluv19]

Really?

But remember to paint 'happy' trees.

 

[Buddyluv19]

Imagine having a job that draws media interest but wanting to ctb. Early last year I lost my cool one day in public and basically truncated any further potential for my career. If I can hold on for five more years, I'll take early retirement and move to a small mountain town. All I want is a small home, a couple dogs, and a friend or two to hang out with.

I feel for you. I've seen this happen. I wish it could be forgotten but even if things like this are done in a private setting, they are often not forgotten. Regarding your friend's daughter, it sounds like you are a support to him. At least you're doing what you can for him now.

 

[TiredHorse]

I really hope I don't offend anyone with this post.

I have no idea if this is a practical way to explain it to your friend, but I've had some luck explaining elements of my cyclically-collapsing life to people as, "depression, however it gets a toe-hold, is like alcoholism: it doesn't ever go away, you just learn ways to manage it --and it can always sneak back in and wreck you." It has allowed me to use an affliction that is more socially understood to give them the knowledge that depression isn't necessarily something that can be cured and left behind. Your friend's daughter is in a bad spot, but getting her out of it won't necessarily mean the end of the matter. She now knows there's a stairway leading down; she can't forget that knowledge even if she wants to.

I hope you can offer her father --and perhaps her-- the words of wisdom they need for her to climb out of that pit.

And as a side note, your own plans sound wonderful and solid. I hope you can hang on enough to realize them.

 

[TheCrow]

I really hope I don't offend anyone with this post.

I have no idea if this is a practical way to explain it to your friend, but I've had some luck explaining elements of my cyclically-collapsing life to people as, "depression, however it gets a toe-hold, is like alcoholism: it doesn't ever go away, you just learn ways to manage it --and it can always sneak back in and wreck you." It has allowed me to use an affliction that is more socially understood to give them the knowledge that depression isn't necessarily something that can be cured and left behind. Your friend's daughter is in a bad spot, but getting her out of it won't necessarily mean the end of the matter. She now knows there's a stairway leading down; she can't forget that knowledge even if she wants to.

I hope you can offer her father --and perhaps her-- the words of wisdom they need for her to climb out of that pit.

And as a side note, your own plans sound wonderful and solid. I hope you can hang on enough to realize them.

That's actually really good advice and very true. (Anorexia is seen the same way, if anyone cares.) Idk if that's what the dad is willing to hear, but it's better armor in the long run than aiming for a one-time happy clappy recovery.

 

[JustAboutDone]

One of my best friends phoned me today and told me his 15yr old daughter has been cutting herself and is currently hospitalized after a breakdown where she disclosed to her parents she is suicidal.

She's very bright and pretty. She has friends, no abuse in her life, and her family is fine financially.

She does, however, have an autoimmune condition that made her sick quite often before puberty.

He and I have spoken about the psychological impact of poor health growing up (an issue for me as well) and I think that can underlie depression and anxiety even after symptoms abate... lack of confidence, worry, fear, a sense that good things can't last and that one is damaged, inferior, etc..

One thing I want to discuss with them: don't assume this goes away, but also don't assume it will ruin her life. She may, like me, be driven to over-acheive and end up swinging between great successes and miserable depression.

For the ladies here, especially those who self-harm with cutting, any advice? He and I will talk more tomorrow -- and he'll tell me what meds she is on.

Hi Kyrok,

Firstly, I'm sorry to you to be hearing this news; wanting to help your friend yet it must feel an extra weight.

Regarding the cutting, it is becoming almost epidemic among young people these days. I don't say that lightly. A vast number of young girls (and guys) are doing this currently and it's growing peer to peer. So it can be copied behaviour to begin.

Additionally, as you obviously know, a stress relief and a coping mechanism. Cutting releases endorphins. It's also ADDICTIVE so once they start it's really difficult not to. An urge overtakes them and it builds and builds until they harm then they relax.

There are methods used to try and help them stop: eg drawing on themselves with a marker, holding an ice-cube, or cradling a hot drink.

Is there anything out of the ordinary she particularly likes and can focus on, despite her health issues? Animal welfare or horse-riding? Sometimes something that's not school related can be helpful to feed into. School is such a pressure environment these days - everyone has to be thin, pretty, smart and athletic.

I wish you and your friends all the best xx

 

[TheCrow]

Hi Kyrok,

Firstly, I'm sorry to you to be hearing this news; wanting to help your friend yet it must feel an extra weight.

Regarding the cutting, it is becoming almost epidemic among young people these days. I don't say that lightly. A vast number of young girls (and guys) are doing this currently and it's growing peer to peer. So it can be copied behaviour to begin.

Additionally, as you obviously know, a stress relief and a coping mechanism. Cutting releases endorphins. It's also ADDICTIVE so once they start it's really difficult not to. An urge overtakes them and it builds and builds until they harm then they relax.

There are methods used to try and help them stop: eg drawing on themselves with a marker, holding an ice-cube, or cradling a hot drink.

Is there anything out of the ordinary she particularly likes and can focus on, despite her health issues? Animal welfare or horse-riding? Sometimes something that's not school related can be helpful to feed into. School is such a pressure environment these days - everyone has to be thin, pretty, smart and athletic.

I wish you and your friends all the best xx

Wow, really good info!

 

[JustAboutDone]

Wow, really good info!

Awww, my Frog, you are always so kind
I hate seeing really young people under pressure :-( it makes me hate all us old people for making the world so crap! We should be telling young people to enjoy themselves and have fun and be creative not trying to make them feel failures at 13 or whatever. Xxxx love my frog

 

[Smilla]

But remember to paint 'happy' trees.

What are you gonna do if I paint really angry sad trees?

Shoot me? Good.

 

[JustAboutDone]

What are you gonna do if I paint really angry sad trees?

Shoot me? Good.

Lollll!!!

 

[Kyrok]

Thanks all. I was supposed to talk with my friend this evening, but he called just as I was going in for dinner with a colleague. So, we'll talk in the next day or two.

Justaboutdone makes a really good point I hadn't thought about: not just the addictive force of cutting but that one comes to need to do it just to relax. Dehabituating will take time and she'll need something to replace cutting. I wonder if painful physical exertion would work as a substitute, like arm curls until it hurts. It doesn't carry the same emotional baggage of course, but something intense but not harmful.

Justaboutdone also suggested finding a new activity outside of school... I wonder if volunteering in a pediatric cancer ward or such would be good -- though maybe too much at the moment. I did that for a while as a kid.

If her parents make her therapy and "recovery" the focus, I fear that just reinforces her self-image as fucked-up.