Venting Seeing my friends so happy just makes me feel worse.

[Homulily]

I want to preface this by saying I'm not upset that they're happy. It just makes me feel worse about my own situation to see everyone I know basically passing me by in life.
They've all been through a lot and I'm happy for them.
I can't help but to feel jealous and pained by it too though. I've tried hard to land even a entry level job but I never even get interviewed. I sent my friends my resume asking for feedback, I dress nice dropping it off in person and I also drop them off online. There is just never any response. I checked multiple times to make sure all the contact info is right. Still nothing.

Two of my friends got into a relationship and I'm starting to realize how my last relationship really fucked me up. I hear them talk to eachother and I just, get mad at myself for not being able to make things work with the girl I wanted to propose to.
It makes me feel miserable.
They all get to spend time with people in person, their friends, their partner. While all my in person relationships fell apart, I'm always told it's not my fault but when im left alone for the millionth time or something then I can't help but to blame myself more. I want to make people happy I really do my best to, I love being around people but I live somewhere pretty isolated. So any in person friendships or relationships I make are something I cherish greatly, I once biked 5 hours for a date, i was so happy to be able to spend time with someone.

I myself am a girl who is attracted to other girls. And considering I live somewhere rural and isolated all of my relationships have been long distance. Which is okay, I'm still more then happy with that because sometimes I'll get to go visit them and not be alone.
But then it's back to the isolation.
Nobody ever comes to visit me I always need to put that effort in. Which makes me question if I'm just not even worth that bit of effort (yes)

Even for friendships there is nobody here. I've tried time and time again to make friends, I went to a social group for awhile on Fridays but everyone I tried to befriend but nobody ever felt the same and wanted to be friends.

The common dimoninator is myself. I am what's wrong. I've tried to fix myself, I even succeeded sometimes!
My ex use to get bothered when I got too excited about stuff so I worked hard to show restraint and not get too excited talking about stuff I liked. (I really liked it when she got excited it was adorable though).
She was great she helped me know what was wrong with me and I did my best to fix it all to be a good girlfriend, I wanted to make her happy so badly, I was so happy she even gave me a chance I didn't want to mess it up.
We were together for 3 years. I went to visit her multiple times and it made me so happy. She'd get mad at me sometimes but that's okay! If there's something wrong with how I act I want it to be pointed out so i know not to act that way!
A few times she held my hand i got really happy (another example of getting too excited) and I'd make a little noise.
It really bothered her and I did my best not to make it. I punished myself for it whenever it happened and I got a chance to be by myself I'd hit myself a lot to make up for it.

Another example of me being an annoying person to be around was when we'd go out to eat. You see, I have an eating disorder I am anorexic. So I was scared to pick out somewhere to eat so I often asked her to.
She got mad at me for this she said it reminded her of her toxic ex and to not push the choice onto her, it was really hard and scary but I did my best to be good and pick out places instead of asking her to because I didn't want to be like her bad ex I felt really bad about reminding her of that. I didn't mean to I really didn't mean to. But I'm a bad person so of course I'd remind her of other bad people.

She use to get uncomfortable because I'm a very touchy person and would like to be in contact with her a lot when we were together. But this upset her so I beat it into myself never to be the person to start physical contact, now I know I'm a bad person for even thinking I was good enough to be in contact with her.

I tried to lose a lot of weight for her when she started to lose intrest in me, and when she started to talk about another girl. I did everything I could to try to be a good girlfriend and try to make her happy and not lose intrest I bought and made her thoughtful gifts, I really really tried to be good, I supported her through rough times I tried to be friends with her friends to better be connected to her and the people she hung around with, I made friends with her mom, But no matter what I do, no matter what I did.
I was not enough, not for her, not for anyone else to want to stay with.

After she broke up with me she asked if I was going to be okay. I said no, I vented to some friends about it.
She accused me of suicide baiting to guilt trip her to get back with me. I felt horrible I didn't want her to feel guilty, so I stopped venting to people. I did everything I could to be good and even after she broke up with me and wanted to remain friends I did everything to be good and to make her happy.
One week after she broke up with me. She was venting to me about how she liked someone else but they rejected her. It hurt me so much when shed talk about her crush to me. I told her it really hurt me when she talked about her to me, but she didn't listen to that, which I'm glad she ignored what I asked for, it made my self loathing, eating disorder, and self harm a lot stronger. I wanted to die so badly during this period of time but I wanted to be a good friend i didn't want her to feel guilty or anything or if I failed it might seem like I was guilt tripping her but now she cut contact with me so i can ctb.

I still love her lots we have a lot of nice memories together it wasn't all just me making mistakes or hurting her. But the fact I hurt her at all makes me continue to punish myself. The fact I wasn't good enough makes me continue to punish myself.

please don't say bad things about her she's really lovely, I'm glad she was mean to me sometimes I needed that for messing up and making mistakes.

Another time a friend of mine told me they wanted to stop talking via a note they left for me in a volume of manga she gave me.

I'm sorry if this is incoherent.
I hope after I ctb if reincarnation is a thing then I hope I'm someone good enough to be friends with. That would be so nice.
If there's nothing too that's okay I just want out of my isolation. I see no end to it. I've tried for years to find a job, I can't work food stuff because of my eating disorder, I get really jumpy and anxious around food even if I know it's not for me. I tried applying for jobs that I went to college for but never anything back. I tried applying for retail but never anything back. I briefly had a factory job but I was fired because my boss was worried about my physical health. It's been like this for years. My parents want me out of the house and I'm trying hard to, I don't want to disappoint them they get mad enough and enough to deal with. The only way i see out of this dead end town is catching the bus out heh.
Im going to keep trying to fix things until my 24th birthday. (October 29th).
If by then I have been unable to find a job, unable to move out, unable to escape my isolation I will end it. I don't want to burden them anymore and I don't want to isolated anymore.

If you read all of this I really appreciate it.
Im sorry this is all selfish of me to say, I need to punish myself now.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

It's normal to feel envy or resentment when other people are doing well. You don't have control over your feelings after all and you can feel both happy and envious or any mix of any feelings. It'd be wrong to take your envy out on them but feelings as such cannot be wrong, only how actions (how you express them).

The job hunt is hard for everyone. Your experience honestly seems par for the course. I know it's understandable and easy to get discouraged but the odds are still firmly on your side that you'll find something. I know you want sooner than later. It's all a numbers game and the only way to win at one of those is to keep on playing sadly. Don't give up.

Relationships are definitely not easy. You deserve connection and intimacy and there are those out there who will value and affirm you, even if it's hard to find them. I know that sounds hollow but everyone I know has something special and unique about them so I'm inclined to believe the same about you. There is a certain luck component when it comes to meeting people, like with everything else, and you can't blame yourself for having poor luck since luck by definition is out of your control.

I know you said your girlfriend is a nice person but I still can't condone her lack of grace and compassion towards your ED. Those things are the literal definition of mental torture the fact that she was not understanding doesn't reflect on you.

It's not against you either that you are a tactical person when it comes to expressing affection. That some people are not as much doesn't make you a bad person.

Your friend ending the friendship via a note in a book seems pretty callous to me room. Some people just treat relationships with a lot of levity and lack of consideration; in fact that seems to be the fashion these days.

 

[Goodgirlryeo101]

How do you know your friends are happy?? Do they tell you or do you look for them . Most of the people that I was friends with they were either struggling or having their own issues be it money issues, relationships issues or just any other issues. You shouldn't feel jealous because at the the end of the day you will make yourself even more miserable if you are so fixed on how happy they might look.

With the level of technology nowadays who will be dropping cvs in person??? It's all done online now. I helped a lot of people with their CVs etc and it's great if you ask for a friend for a feedback in regards to your CV or you can even ask a career advisor and they will be able to give you tips and advice on how to tailor your cv to each job you are applying for. The job market is tough so obviously you will get interviews and sometimes nothing it's all part of the job hunting process. Just because other people are happy in their relationships shouldn't make you mad or sad, you will find your own person in the future if you want to date someone else in the future, there is 7 billion people in the world, I understand if you want to cry and mourn the ending of a relationship because at the end of the day you are human and you are allowed to grieve.

There is nothing wrong with getting excited talking about things that we like and if anyone is critical of any and every reaction you have make in life then they need to look in the mirror themselves, you are not a robot. I remember someone mentioning something to me like years ago when I went through something the person said " they are critiquing and analysing everything and every little thing you said and did like you are the Queen of England" that person even found it so weird that grown people would scrutinise and be very analytical of someone to that extent.

As for dates I have been on dates lasting 3,4,5 or even more hours and it's normal if you like the person. There is also nothing wrong with someone pointing out something you are not happy with ( like if your partner behaves in a certain way) it's all about communication and letting your partner know how you feel. Haha talking about holding hands the guy I dated last time liked holding hands and I liked that because I liked him and also there is nothing wrong with that. He had told me that he liked holding hands even before we met in person etc so when he hold my hands on our date I was happy as I liked him.

After reading your story even though it's all over your place I can understand and I hope you get what you wish for in the end either to fix your problems or to ctb and remember you are the driver of your life and you can take the direction you deem fit.

All the best.

G

Ps some of those parts in the story sounds very familiar to my what's app conversations I had with the last guy I was seeing eg him always focusing on trying to make me happy, him calling me adorable, hand holding, pointing out what I didn't like when he behaved in a certain way etc Someone must have been reading my conversation with him, the level of obsession is unreal, I thought I should just point that out and also I will never use the suicide line to guilt trip anyone to stay with me never .. Me choosing ctb has nothing to do with an ending to a relationship there is way more deep issues than that. I will never end my life over a man. Period. I just want to cease to exist because I hate and despise living. Period

 

[Homulily]

How do you know your friends are happy?? Do they tell you or do you look for them . Most of the people that I was friends with they were either struggling or having their own issues be it money issues, relationships issues or just any other issues. You shouldn't feel jealous because at the the end of the day you will make yourself even more miserable if you are so fixed on how happy they might look.

With the level of technology nowadays who will be dropping cvs in person??? It's all done online now. I helped a lot of people with their CVs etc and it's great if you ask for a friend for a feedback in regards to your CV or you can even ask a career advisor and they will be able to give you tips and advice on how to tailor your cv to each job you are applying for. The job market is tough so obviously you will get interviews and sometimes nothing it's all part of the job hunting process. Just because other people are happy in their relationships shouldn't make you mad or sad, you will find your own person in the future if you want to date someone else in the future, there is 7 billion people in the world, I understand if you want to cry and mourn the ending of a relationship because at the end of the day you are human and you are allowed to grieve.

There is nothing wrong with getting excited talking about things that we like and if anyone is critical of any and every reaction you have make in life then they need to look in the mirror themselves, you are not a robot. I remember someone mentioning something to me like years ago when I went through something the person said " they are critiquing and analysing everything and every little thing you said and did like you are the Queen of England" that person even found it so weird that grown people would scrutinise and be very analytical of someone to that extent.

As for dates I have been on dates lasting 3,4,5 or even more hours and it's normal if you like the person. There is also nothing wrong with someone pointing out something you are not happy with ( like if your partner behaves in a certain way) it's all about communication and letting your partner know how you feel. Haha talking about holding hands the guy I dated last time liked holding hands and I liked that because I liked him and also there is nothing wrong with that. He had told me that he liked holding hands even before we met in person etc so when he hold my hands on our date I was happy as I liked him.

After reading your story even though it's all over your place I can understand and I hope you get what you wish for in the end either to fix your problems or to ctb and remember you are the driver of your life and you can take the direction you deem fit.

All the best.

G

Ps some of those parts in the story sounds very familiar to my what's app conversations I had with the last guy I was seeing eg him always focusing on trying to make me happy, him calling me adorable, hand holding, pointing out what I didn't like when he behaved in a certain way etc Someone must have been reading my conversation with him, the level of obsession is unreal, I thought I should just point that out and also I will never use the suicide line to guilt trip anyone to stay with me never .. Me choosing ctb has nothing to do with an ending to a relationship there is way more deep issues than that. I will never end my life over a man. Period. I just want to cease to exist because I hate and despise living. Period

Family members don't trust applying online. They tell me to go in and do it physically.

My friends usually post in our server about how well things are going for them and how they're really happy lately. And then seem like it ontop of that too.
Two just got into a relationship most have jobs now. They're lives are going nice and I'm just stuck.

It's normal to feel envy or resentment when other people are doing well. You don't have control over your feelings after all and you can feel both happy and envious or any mix of any feelings. It'd be wrong to take your envy out on them but feelings as such cannot be wrong, only how actions (how you express them).

The job hunt is hard for everyone. Your experience honestly seems par for the course. I know it's understandable and easy to get discouraged but the odds are still firmly on your side that you'll find something. I know you want sooner than later. It's all a numbers game and the only way to win at one of those is to keep on playing sadly. Don't give up.

Relationships are definitely not easy. You deserve connection and intimacy and there are those out there who will value and affirm you, even if it's hard to find them. I know that sounds hollow but everyone I know has something special and unique about them so I'm inclined to believe the same about you. There is a certain luck component when it comes to meeting people, like with everything else, and you can't blame yourself for having poor luck since luck by definition is out of your control.

I know you said your girlfriend is a nice person but I still can't condone her lack of grace and compassion towards your ED. Those things are the literal definition of mental torture the fact that she was not understanding doesn't reflect on you.

It's not against you either that you are a tactical person when it comes to expressing affection. That some people are not as much doesn't make you a bad person.

Your friend ending the friendship via a note in a book seems pretty callous to me room. Some people just treat relationships with a lot of levity and lack of consideration; in fact that seems to be the fashion these days.

Shes nice at times. She's usually pretty mean I just don't like it when people say bad things about her since I still love her. Even though she is not the greatest and is one of the biggest reasons I want to ctb.
I think she's nice because sometimes she showed me kindness.
We were at a hotel once on a trip to Vegas. And while there she made me leave the room fir a bit. I was high i took edibles because i thought we were going to be in the room the rest or the night. I didn't want to go but I did to make her happy. It was really scary being in the lobby by myself. All I wanted was to go back up to be with her again but I didn't want to upset her. But she let me come back up after awhile and she kissed my cheek I was so happy, she didn't need to show me that affection but she did and even now I feel giddy about it.

 

[Goodgirlryeo101]

My friends usually post in our server about how well things are going for them and how they're really happy lately. And then seem like it ontop of that too.
Two just got into a relationship most have jobs now. They're lives are going nice and I'm just stuck.

Well I don't know about your friends but I'm talking about people that were my friends
1) He was stuck in Nigeria and was always telling me how miserable he was and I always helped him financially because he was truly suffering with a woman he didn't love and but loving another woman who was living in a different country and he even named his daughter after me so it's definitely not him (Blocked him ) - I mean he can't be happy and he told me as long as he is stuck there he is never going to be happy … I mean I wouldn't either being stuck with a woman I don't love and on top of that having two kids with her. ( he always said to me I was more than a sibling to her and had my pictures all over his Facebook but I told him to delete them ) he was still declaring his love for me ( platonic love) even when this mess was going on but I truly cared for him as a friend and I wanted him to do well .

2) She was tired of doing double shift and she was truly miserable because she had so many issues with her bf and she was just tired of life that she even wanted to go and visit her family since things were so difficult to her financially and emotionally , I can list so many other things here but I will not - still declined her offer to take me out for my birthday dinner ( even though she used to sing to me how I was like a sister to her all the time and I referred to her as bestie) - I told her I didn't want to be friends with her anymore and she was never mean to my face. I also wanted her to do well in life and I tried to be there for her whenever she needed me as a friend

3) He had been struggling in Italy until he got a job recently but at least he got a job and I was happy for him ( he was nice to me till the last time I spoke to him but I blocked him because he told me he didn't want to get involved) I don't have any ill feelings towards him and I wish him well and even when he was struggling to get a job I always encourage him to keep on job hunting and he got a job in the end and if he is happy then I'm happy for him and I truly mean it ( he always used to listen to me all the time even when this mess was going on he was never mean to my face )

The rest are not important to me. Hahaha, I mentioned the three above because they are the ones I spoke to the most….

All these three people are the people that I only considered as close friends in the past Five years or so and I still chose to walk away from all of them and not the other way round. I don't lose friends but they lose me.

The rest are irrelevant to me and I could careless about them as I wasn't close to them.

Ps if the three above are happy then I'm happy for them and I won't feel any type of way towards them just because I'm not friends with them anymore. And oh by the way it must take a lot time and effort to create fake post after post and update me with things that are not happening .

 

[Homulily]

Are you saying what I talked about didn't happen? Or is that about something with the people you know again.
Sorry for the misunderstanding

 

[Goodgirlryeo101]

Are you saying what I talked about didn't happen? Or is that about something with the people you know again.
Sorry for the misunderstanding

No I said If your friends are doing great then that's fine and then after I added how my friends were doing, hope this clarifies any confusion. I hope you heal and stop comparing your "friends" to yourself… I mentioned about my friends were going through and they were all struggling and all that "happiness" might be a facade, that is if that's what they are really saying.

PS - I always like applying my own experiences here and what I know so that you can relate to my situation.