Venting Screaming in my head

[Whatiwantiswhatiwas]

What I've realised today.

So all my attempts in the past were spare of the moment, after an argument, break up , awful day etc. So anyway I've brought my sn and all the supplies needed. I started the regime but was only one day in. Yesterday I had an argument with the guy im seeing. Btw he knows I'm suicidal and also knows I have the goods certainly am not afraid to use them. He started shouting at me yesterday over some shit. In that moment I wanted to do it I hadn't even done my regime properly as I had just started the day before and I had a full stomach with SN fasting is required. Anyway i was in such a state I was screaming my head off crying and sobbing etc and then I thought I can't even do it now. Because he will forever blame himself because he shouted at me and hung up. I thought I can't let him life with that guilt. So I dosed myself up on amertipline and went to sleep. Today I woke up and I was calmer I decided that a relationship that toxic needs to end. Don't get me wrong I've been like this long before I met him but certainly people and situations are more toxic then others. So I called him to end it and tell me what the shouting made me almost do and the reason why I didn't. He then started shouting at me again and told me all I do is make things about me. He told me later in a message to stop crying and pull myself together. Also that if I had gone through with it was a selfish. So to be honest now I wish I had just done it yesterday and let him feel that guilt.

Anyway what I realised today is that I think it's actually impossible for me to set a date and just do it. Something needs to trigger it and it kind of needs me a spare of the moment thing. Does anyone else feel like that? Even tho I'm Suicidal about 95% of the time it's actually more difficult to plan I think it's easier to go through with it after something stressful happens.

Also I believe I have bipolar 2. Even tho I'm not diagnosed. I went to my mental heath team and told them this they said it's not and just stuck me on sertaline since been on them I hear screaming in my head and it settled down when I was in 50mg now I'm on 100mg the screaming in my head is all the time. I've never had this before. Does anyone else experience this? It's not voices as such just a scream like someone is trapped in my brain. I feel like I'm absolutely losing my mind.

Sorry for the ridiculously long message.

 

[Stillnotsure]

Your situational suicidalness mirrors mine. Hard to plan a date. Just have to wait for the right, or wrong things to happen in a day.

 

[Whatiwantiswhatiwas]

Your situational suicidalness mirrors mine. Hard to plan a date. Just have to wait for the right, or wrong things to happen in a day.

Have you decided on a method?

I may have to just try partial because SN requires planning afew days a head.

 

[TiredHorse]

Today I woke up and I was calmer I decided that a relationship that toxic needs to end.

Most emphatically, yes. I think this is a sound decision.

Anyway what I realised today is that I think it's actually impossible for me to set a date and just do it. Something needs to trigger it and it kind of needs me a spare of the moment thing. Does anyone else feel like that? Even tho I'm Suicidal about 95% of the time it's actually more difficult to plan I think it's easier to go through with it after something stressful happens.

I have definitely felt that way. I know I have stymied myself by getting so caught up in my overly-involved preparations that when the moment came I realzed I had lost my momentum.

 

[Partial-Elf]

My suicidality has evolved over time. It began as an instinctive reaction to overwhelming suffering like you're describing but has slowly changed into a less emotional and more well thought out preference for non being. I feel that way pretty much all the time. I have some obligations that keep me here for now but once I have fulfilled them I think I will be able to schedule a date and go through with it without needing any extreme emotional provocation to push me over the edge

 

[Whatiwantiswhatiwas]

Most emphatically, yes. I think this is a sound decision.

I have definitely felt that way. I know I have stymied myself by getting so caught up in my overly-involved preparations that when the moment came I realzed I had lost my momentum.

It's so awful just want the pain to end but it's so hard to do when your calculated about it. I'm so ready to leave this horrible world.

 

[Itstimeforpeace]

I'm so sorry about your situation. Being in a toxic relationship really sucks and sometimes you won't even realize it's toxic until you are in too deep.

As for the timing of a your suicide ... that's a hard one for me too. I am like you, I need that situation or event to push me. I have been living with suicidal thoughts most of my life but somehow I just put that smile on and pretend everything is just fine but in my head I keep thinking about dying.

 

[Whatiwantiswhatiwas]

My suicidality has evolved over time. It began as an instinctive reaction to overwhelming suffering like you're describing but has slowly changed into a less emotional and more well thought out preference for non being. I feel that way pretty much all the time. I have some obligations that keep me here for now but once I have fulfilled them I think I will be able to schedule a date and go through with it without needing any extreme emotional provocation to push me over the edge

I'm with you I feel like that pretty much all the time, I probably think about how I will do it, where, how people will react every few minutes. Sometimes it's pretty much every thought. I would ideally like to set a date and just seem normal and happy to friends and family so no will blame themselves but after today I realised I will need to be proveked somehow.

 

[Whatiwantiswhatiwas]

I'm so sorry about your situation. Being in a toxic relationship really sucks and sometimes you won't even realize it's toxic until you are in too deep.

As for the timing of a your suicide ... that's a hard one for me too. I am like you, I need that situation or event to push me. I have been living with suicidal thoughts most of my life but somehow I just put that smile on and pretend everything is just fine but in my head I keep thinking about dying.

Toxic relationships probably go hand in hand when you have depression/mental health issues. It's like choosing the worst kind of partner so they can destroy any little bit of sanity you may have left. I sometimes feel like it's a form of self harm. Going for these kind people and yet I always do it.

I'm with you there, this month has been pretty horrendous with the holiday season having to pretend to be happy when the only thing you can think about is when is this all going to be over. I sometimes look at my soical media and think I look like I have the perfect life but it's all absolutely bull shit. I couldn't be further from being happy or sane.

 

[peachesNpoison]

I have a similar issue except that I will convince myself that "letting myself go" will push me closer to the edge / emotional trigger and I can finally ctb. The problem is that I realised that regardless of the method I used, they all require some amount of consistent effort and organisation over time to prepare successfully. So now I find myself, ironically, going to the gym and eating a little better the last few weeks just to get back some of the mind health that I require to see this through.
Of course I'm cursing humanity this entire time since I have to do all this to circumvent the hypocritical system. In a perfect world we would have the choice and support to end things when we feel it's best.
I don't want to encourage your decision either way, to ctb or not, but if you're having trouble seeing your method through with success it may help to likewise take care of yourself better (as you already have by jettisoning this guy) in order to put everything (preparation of your plan) in place so there's no failures. It's also entirely possible that improving your life may show you a path that you didn't see, but that's not for me to determine.

 

[Lunaemoth]

It used to be that way for me... Very emotional, spur of the moment, just wanted the pain to end immediately. Some of my first attempts when I was young were very attention seeking as well. As time passed though I stopped caring about all of that. I wasn't just broken and hurt anymore, I was numb and angry (at myself more than anything). When I made the decision this time I knew weeks and weeks in advance of my date. I researched methods, ordered supplies, decided to have one last Christmas with my family... Very calm, very rational. I'm sad for my family, a little scared of surviving or someone finding out, and a little bit anxious of the potential pain. But I have no doubts. And only 5 days to go...

 

[Whatiwantiswhatiwas]

I have a similar issue except that I will convince myself that "letting myself go" will push me closer to the edge / emotional trigger and I can finally ctb. The problem is that I realised that regardless of the method I used, they all require some amount of consistent effort and organisation over time to prepare successfully. So now I find myself, ironically, going to the gym and eating a little better the last few weeks just to get back some of the mind health that I require to see this through.
Of course I'm cursing humanity this entire time since I have to do all this to circumvent the hypocritical system. In a perfect world we would have the choice and support to end things when we feel it's best.
I don't want to encourage your decision either way, to ctb or not, but if you're having trouble seeing your method through with success it may help to likewise take care of yourself better (as you already have by jettisoning this guy) in order to put everything (preparation of your plan) in place so there's no failures. It's also entirely possible that improving your life may show you a path that you didn't see, but that's not for me to determine.

Thank you for your message. I'm so grateful for this forum so I can discuss my deepest darkest thoughts and I know that there is many like minded people.

I agree completely about trying to stay active with the gym and eating better and just trying to get through things and you are right maybe ending everything that's toxic in my life may make me not want to do it all. Have you set a date or will you just decide when things get to much? I sincerely hope you find happiness in which ever decision you make.

 

[Whatiwantiswhatiwas]

It used to be that way for me... Very emotional, spur of the moment, just wanted the pain to end immediately. Some of my first attempts when I was young were very attention seeking as well. As time passed though I stopped caring about all of that. I wasn't just broken and hurt anymore, I was numb and angry (at myself more than anything). When I made the decision this time I knew weeks and weeks in advance of my date. I researched methods, ordered supplies, decided to have one last Christmas with my family... Very calm, very rational. I'm sad for my family, a little scared of surviving or someone finding out, and a little bit anxious of the potential pain. But I have no doubts. And only 5 days to go...

I'm so sorry your feeling this way. Thank you for the message. I'm also like you in wanting to make sure the festive period was completely over. I calmly have been reaching for months and I have everything I need. I think I would do SN and try partial as well I was can't stand the thought of one not working and ending up as a vegetable. I'm sad to see you go and I hope you find happiness.

 

[peachesNpoison]

Have you set a date or will you just decide when things get to much? I sincerely hope you find happiness in which ever decision you make.

Thank you, I appreciate it.
I can't really plan a date until I get supplied, and then there's the universal question of if I am still committed after I become capable and things become real. It will probably be a soft schedule anyhow where I just get ready to do it on a day when I feel my health dip and i'm starting another month-long depression jag.