Hi, im 28 year old paranoid schizophrenic with major depression, I have severe negatives, I chainsmoke throughout all day, maybe go to a corner shop once in awhile. I live with my mom. I am on disability allowance, but its only 260€ a month so mainly covers my smoking. I have a pc, I used to be a huge gamer and now I only watch some youtube, there have been some weeks that i didnt turn on my pc ever. I am able to maintaim body hygiene, but i am unable to talk with anyone in real life. I was able to graduate from university wirh schizophrenia and work full time, but since my relapse to psychosis due to stopping meds and then eventually relapsing on meds lead me to develop major depression.
My day usually looks like this:
Wake up around 12 midday, walk the dog for 5 mins, eat in 2 mins and then either lay in bed whole day with chainsmoking sessions or sit down, go to the shop for cigarettes. Then sometimes i play with my dog
I was on Invega+lexapro and it helped greatly, but relapsed and depression got heavier
I tried to ctb with hanging, but was too afraid to do full suspension (i had all the tools) and then me and mum noved to live in a town apartment where hanging is not really possible (there is nowhere where i can do full suspension). Although we live near a railroad tracks, so thought of doing ctb by gettibg rolled over (i know you all are like "dont ruin other peoplea day) i dont care what happens after my death, plenty of people ruined my life anyways
I thought of ordering SN from europe, its just really hard to find, found one in the UK, but somehow didnt let me ship. Im too poor for N and im afraid our custom duty is too strict.
Ive been in a mental hospital for 7 times and its like a prison, each time i spent was a month each time, once i was double hospitalized. The psychiatrist are worst doctors, you can negotiate with a psychiatrist in outpatient because you have a free will not to talw the medication, but while in the psychiatric ward they can DO ANYTHING and wont be responsible, because you sign a waver. For example: you develop dystonia, whch is involuntary body or face movemčnt like sticking you lips out or mimicking due to massive dose of hardcore medication and YOU CANT DO ANYTHING if you try to scream - youll get an injection and you wont even rememver 3 last days. Try to bę agitated - again injection or chained to the bed or even worse - whole body chained. Its like prison, but worse cause they pump you with meds either way you are leaving the hospital with a limp wiener and being zombified to the ground and emotionless, unable to function at all. Its convenient to them because you are harmless walking piece of cabbage. Last time in the hospital i was put on quetiapine, they didnt even bother to titrate the dose and instead of 50mg a day I was given 600mg, on the first dose i felt knocked out, i developes restless legs and almost shat my pants. After i woke oup I was really angry and the overseer staff threatened to punch me ( i kid you not) so after complaining for a week my psychiatrist said to change the med and offered a med which is legal neutering med, so i sticked with quetiapine and i was also injected with haloperidol, given depakote and artane. Once again, if i would bring the psychiatrist to court, nothing would happen, cause upon entering a psych ward you lose all rights and are in "legal" prison. The same would happen if any of you would get hospitalized after a unsuccessful ctb attempt and put on some heavy antidepressant and developed permenant PSSD or known as impotence and you wouldnt be able to do anything. I myself tried plenty of antidepressants Elavil, lexapro, wellbutrin, trazadone, cymbalta, trintellix so almost every class antidepressant except MAOi. And non of them really helped, they stimulate the damn out of you (some of them) or give some nasty side effects lile cymbalta gave me urine retention with constant painful bladder and sleeping in 2hr intervals, lexapro gave hypotensions headaches, elavil made me an eunuch, trazadone didnt do anything and trintellix gave me low sodium levels and dizziness.
Rants over
My day usually looks like this:
Wake up around 12 midday, walk the dog for 5 mins, eat in 2 mins and then either lay in bed whole day with chainsmoking sessions or sit down, go to the shop for cigarettes. Then sometimes i play with my dog
I was on Invega+lexapro and it helped greatly, but relapsed and depression got heavier
I tried to ctb with hanging, but was too afraid to do full suspension (i had all the tools) and then me and mum noved to live in a town apartment where hanging is not really possible (there is nowhere where i can do full suspension). Although we live near a railroad tracks, so thought of doing ctb by gettibg rolled over (i know you all are like "dont ruin other peoplea day) i dont care what happens after my death, plenty of people ruined my life anyways
I thought of ordering SN from europe, its just really hard to find, found one in the UK, but somehow didnt let me ship. Im too poor for N and im afraid our custom duty is too strict.
Ive been in a mental hospital for 7 times and its like a prison, each time i spent was a month each time, once i was double hospitalized. The psychiatrist are worst doctors, you can negotiate with a psychiatrist in outpatient because you have a free will not to talw the medication, but while in the psychiatric ward they can DO ANYTHING and wont be responsible, because you sign a waver. For example: you develop dystonia, whch is involuntary body or face movemčnt like sticking you lips out or mimicking due to massive dose of hardcore medication and YOU CANT DO ANYTHING if you try to scream - youll get an injection and you wont even rememver 3 last days. Try to bę agitated - again injection or chained to the bed or even worse - whole body chained. Its like prison, but worse cause they pump you with meds either way you are leaving the hospital with a limp wiener and being zombified to the ground and emotionless, unable to function at all. Its convenient to them because you are harmless walking piece of cabbage. Last time in the hospital i was put on quetiapine, they didnt even bother to titrate the dose and instead of 50mg a day I was given 600mg, on the first dose i felt knocked out, i developes restless legs and almost shat my pants. After i woke oup I was really angry and the overseer staff threatened to punch me ( i kid you not) so after complaining for a week my psychiatrist said to change the med and offered a med which is legal neutering med, so i sticked with quetiapine and i was also injected with haloperidol, given depakote and artane. Once again, if i would bring the psychiatrist to court, nothing would happen, cause upon entering a psych ward you lose all rights and are in "legal" prison. The same would happen if any of you would get hospitalized after a unsuccessful ctb attempt and put on some heavy antidepressant and developed permenant PSSD or known as impotence and you wouldnt be able to do anything. I myself tried plenty of antidepressants Elavil, lexapro, wellbutrin, trazadone, cymbalta, trintellix so almost every class antidepressant except MAOi. And non of them really helped, they stimulate the damn out of you (some of them) or give some nasty side effects lile cymbalta gave me urine retention with constant painful bladder and sleeping in 2hr intervals, lexapro gave hypotensions headaches, elavil made me an eunuch, trazadone didnt do anything and trintellix gave me low sodium levels and dizziness.
Rants over
