Scary thoughts

[HighwayToHell]

Suicide keeps popping into my mind and I end up envisioning myself CBTing in violent ways.

Right now I was imagining myself with a gag in my mouth, both nose and mouth tapped up and going to sleep after drinking bleach. Waking up and imagining myself screaming and drowning in my own blood as my insides melted. I could feel the terror and everything.

I find a violent death to be really appealing, freaky as it sounds. There's two reasons, one I won't mention because I personally find it embarrassing. (And no, it's nothing to do with sex or fetishes.)

The second reason is, growing up I was physically abused and even tried to kill myself then, I also had people trying to kill me. So in a twisted way it's comforting because it's what I'm familiar with.

 

[Ghost2211]

I can see why you would seek sensations that are familiar to you even if they scare you.

There are plenty of brutal methods that would hurt a lot, but not quite as much a bleach. You could also survive that and be really messed up.

 

[devil]

i have vivid thoughts about other people having violent deaths caused by me.. so i understand in a way.
sometimes it can be super intriguing

 

[Throwmyselfaway]

I have visions or flashes of my death. Mostly by my hand. I have had flashes of others but none came true just odd. I've seen myself walking up to the high point of a bridge and jumping. Seen myself in a mirror with a gun to my head. Seen myself in the tub with a bottle of rum and a lot of pills.

 

[k75]

I shy away from violent or bloody methods. I don't want any extra pain or suffering. But when I'm at my lowest, I find myself almost wanting to be hurt and thinking about others killing me. I indulge in very risky behavior and often coax people into physically hurting me and using me.

It's very scary, but I can't help it. I'm not an angry person, but I think it's some kind of anger coming out about my situation or at myself. A lot of it is emotional.

 

[faust]

Once I thought it would be good to be blown up with C4. An instant death.
Or spill the petrol on body, use a lighter and jump from a skyscraper.
It is something like you are no more afraid of life and even it hits you, you stay strong and hit it as well. So eventually it is a draw.