scared

[huifu]

i don't like christmas, new years or my birthday that is also coming soon. i don't feel alive, i don't feel human.

mom thought it was a good idea to run away from home on december 24th with me and my sister while my dad was shopping, she thought it was a good idea to make me pick the call when dad came back and didn't see us anywhere, i was 10.

i still wonder what gifts would i've received that day? what dish did he wanted to do for christmas eve? did he spent all day and night desperate because his whole family abandoned him? i felt so guilty, i still feel so guilty about it.
it has been 16 years since that and every christmas has been horrible, the core meaning of that day has been lost to me, my mom was abusive, her partner was abusive, my older sister was abused so she was also abusive to me, i was so tired, i am always so tired, it has been years since i ran away from home and from her but i feel like it doesn't matter, i feel like I'm still there, i'm in therapy and i do feel like i've done some progress, but then december arrives and i feel like a little girl again. and i am so scared.

i shouldn't feel like this anymore, now that everything is gone and my parents are dead, now that i'm in another country and i have no one by my side, i know there's no more danger, nothing to be afraid of.
so why am i still so scared? i don't have the energy to get out of bed, i don't recognize my surroundings, i know where i am, but at the same time i don't. i can't keep going on like this, why am i so sensitive? why is it never enough? i feel there's a void in my chest that keeps getting bigger and bigger until i don't feel real anymore.

i am so tired. I don't want to live another year, i don't want to start another year, i don't want another birthday, i don't want to exist here, everything feels out of place and wrong. it's so scary.

but i am not prepared to leave yet, if i'm gonna do it i need to prepare well, at least i should do it back in my home country to save my family from the trouble. so how do i take these feelings away? how can i protect myself from doing something stupid? i always try not to be impulsive, but there's no one i can ask for help and the dissociation and panic is consuming me. i am so scared. i don't want to live like this anymore, how can anyone call this "life"? is it always going to be like this? am i never going to heal at all?

 

[daruino]

Oh my, this sounds like an awful weight to be carrying around, especially it coming back so forcefully each year. I wonder if you've spoken about this in therapy? I am just now starting to process things that happened 8 years ago, which half the time you mentioned, but just to say how this can take a looong time but certainly isn't impossible.

I also wonder if you ever tried to contact your father again? There certainly is not fault with you or your sister regarding the situation with running away. I'm sure he probably hates your mother for it, but not you. 10 is incredibly young, he might've felt guilty he wasn't able to protect you..

I wonder if perhaps your father has also carried around a similar weight on christmas. It being the day he was left and lost his children dear to him. Might it offer a bit of reassurance that, at least around this time, you two might've thought about eachother at the same time?

Either way my best wishes, I hope you can get through this, or learn to live with it. Hugs.

 

[soul2realm]

I am so sorry you had to go through all that. Getting a breather after a traumatic life can sometimes be a liitle shaky at first but eventually it simmers down. Sending you loads of love and blessings.

 

[Save_Me_Mind]

This is quite devastating… you have been dealt some unfortunate cards. That feeling of being scared is understandable, after all that has happened it is natural, these feelings are valid. As someone who's faced dissociative amnesia and is still dealing with dissociation, I can say that it is hinders reality incredibly.
I hope that perhaps your feelings/dissociation can be resolved. I wish the best for you