Venting scared to sleep

[SectOfValtiel]

havent dreamt much lately, but i took some pills so i could wake up in time for therapy
and had this dream
i dont really know the context but
i had just escaped from some prison or something, i guess i was some kind of low-life, and i was out in a field trying to find someone
crying her name
cant remember what it was but she looked like someone from my past
eventually it turned to day and she appeared, crying, so happy to see me...
and i remember thinking in this dream that she was the most beautiful person id ever seen
felt like forever of us just talking, admiring her, hiding out in this field and being happy together
and i was so worried she was going to get in trouble or get hurt because of me
but she insisted i stay
she looked so happy haha, because of *me* of all people? or whoever i was in that dream i guess
and then i woke up

i already feel empty, but waking up from a dream like that increases it ten fold... i miss being able to even tell someone theyre beautiful
i miss spending time with someone and not having to feel like im not wanted there
i miss being happy, not frustrated with every little thing, not alone in everything i do with no real goal at the end
it was just a snippet of some bigger story that ultimately means nothing, but what i felt in that dream is something i desire more than anything
and its not the only time ive had dreams like that
dreams where im in love with someone or just plain enjoying someones company
and they dont dislike mine
it scares me so much to wake up and realize all over again that
im alone
nobody is out there waiting for me, nobody would miss me if i were gone
theres nobody to love, and especially nobody to love me either
and the only people that ever seem to are in my head
even in the relationships i have had- they were nothing like how i saw them

even if i put my all in to being better... theres no part of me that thinks ill ever deserve something healthy
even if im wrong, theres no part of me that thinks i could treat anyone well
i already know from experience i cant make anyone happy
already know my minds far too broken to not ruin it eventually, even if i could trust a stranger like that again...

it scares me
i dont want another dream like that where i wake up wishing i hadnt
i dont want to be reminded even in my sleep by what ill never have in reality
just not a good enough person to ever deserve something like that
instead i wind up with people that hurt me, rebound off me and throw me out like trash, or ignore me
and im not much better, jealous and spiteful and quick to jump to conclusions

 

[tary]

I tend to have similarly happy dreams whenever I dream, where I'm popular or generally doing good in life
And then I wake up to the cold reality that my life isn't that great and I'll CTB soon
I'm always conflicted because I feel a tiny bit of hope that my life could actually be like it is in my dreams, but I have no energy to make it that way and would rather just be dead
I look forward to going to sleep every night but dread waking up

 

[SectOfValtiel]

I tend to have similarly happy dreams whenever I dream, where I'm popular or generally doing good in life
And then I wake up to the cold reality that my life isn't that great and I'll CTB soon
I'm always conflicted because I feel a tiny bit of hope that my life could actually be like it is in my dreams, but I have no energy to make it that way and would rather just be dead
I look forward to going to sleep every night but dread waking up

yeah, same... even if it gives me a goal to work towards its still one i dont feel like i can actually acheive
even if i believed it was possible, i dont think i have the energy for that
id rather stay dreaming
but you always wake up
always

 

[SamTam33]

Sleep used to bring me so much joy. But now I loathe it. Waking up has got to be one of the most depressing experiences on earth.

Alarm clocks are for the devil.

I stay awake until my body collapses on its own. I don't purposely seek out sleep.

I have a mix of good dreams and bad ones, but regardless - I'd do anything to stay in them and avoid that moment when you open your eyes and realize that you're still alive.

 

[Already Gone now]

I just got done saying something similar about waking up, that it's a disappointment. I too have issues with sleep...

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be so painful and disappointing having dreams like that and then have to wake up to the reality of this cruel existence. If only there was an option to have a completely dreamless sleep, as so many of us already suffer enough when we are awake so we should at least be able to get a little bit of rest by sleeping, even know temporary sleep could never be enough of a relief for me.