Help scared to reach out for help

[VIBRITANNIA]

TW for detailed self-harm, (possible) abuse. please let me know if anything said here is inappropriate/too graphic or if this belongs in another thread.


i realize that having access to mental health services is a privilege, but i can't bring myself to take advantage of this privilege due to things that have happened in the past.

when this all happened, my mental health, simply put, was in shambles. i had scars running up my forearms and chest. i had a ten-inch knife in my pillowcase that i cut myself with every morning. i often refused to go to school. one day, when my mom was cleaning my room while i was away (i do this myself usually), she found said knife.

she responded by taking away my phone (as pathetic as it sounds, my internet friends were my only support system) and yelling at me. one time, she even hit me when she found out i was relapsing. another time, i was overreacting to schoolwork (screaming, swearing, ripping at the paper, etc) and she came in because i said "hell" and threw holy water on me. another time, when i refused to go to school, she brought me to her workplace, to where i had to sit in an office all day (and was found by the person who worked there), and then i had to sit in an empty conference room until her day was over. when i went to the doctor, the constant checking of my arms made me feel even more embarrassed.

i haven't been able to come clean about anything since, because i'm afraid of being treated like that again. i want to get everything off my chest, but i don't want to be treated like that again. advice? keep in mind the only thing i've been diagnosed with is adjustment disorder.

tldr; struggled with self harm, got treated like shit because of it, too afraid to ask for help.

 

[Life_and_Death]

i understand that it can be hard to reach out for help if this is how you are treated. if youd like you can PM me any time :) you can vent and if you like i can help you with some at home stuff until you feel confident enough to find professional help and ill even stay with you during that :)

 

[SoIntoYou]

Yea, lay people wouldn't know what to do with you even if they took a course. I wish I knew more about your thoughts and feelings so I could go on.

 

[Deleted member 19654]

When you say your arms were constantly checked, is that by your mum or the doctor? I'm sorry that your mum is approaching the situation in the way that she does. I can see that it's stressful if she's not being very understanding or supportive. Not all doctors/health professionals will be terrible and treat you like shit. One bad experience doesn't necessarily mean that it will always be bad. I think you've already taken a big step in realising that things aren't okay and you want help. If you're ready then the next step could be to try the doctors again. We're here to help if we can to try and get you through this.

 

[BPD Barbie]

Not everyone is like that. The ones I've dealt with have only ever been compassionate and caring. Nobody ever tried to check my arms or legs to see if I was self harming but I was always honest with them. If you do reach out for help then be honest and explain why you're very nervous about seeking help. I'm sure they will understand and reassure you.
Also it's OK to go through several different doctors to find the right one.

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

When you say your arms were constantly checked, is that by your mum or the doctor? I'm sorry that your mum is approaching the situation in the way that she does. I can see that it's stressful if she's not being very understanding or supportive. Not all doctors/health professionals will be terrible and treat you like shit. One bad experience doesn't necessarily mean that it will always be bad. I think you've already taken a big step in realising that things aren't okay and you want help. If you're ready then the next step could be to try the doctors again. We're here to help if we can to try and get you through this.

thank you for the support (this goes to anyone else who commented, too). it was my doctor who did it to see how the scars were healing, my mom only noticed when she found the knife. i think i'll at least consider reaching out for help again.

 

[Deleted member 19654]

thank you for the support (this goes to anyone else who commented, too). it was my doctor who did it to see how the scars were healing, my mom only noticed when she found the knife. i think i'll at least consider reaching out for help again.

I understand it's embarrassing and uncomfortable for the doctor to keep checking your scars but unfortunately I think it's part of the process. They have a duty of care so they have to check. If you do decide to reach out for help again, just know that they're not there to judge you, they deal with all sorts of patients and it not anything new to them.

 

[Life_and_Death]

I understand it's embarrassing and uncomfortable for the doctor to keep checking your scars but unfortunately I think it's part of the process. They have a duty of care so they have to check. If you do decide to reach out for help again, just know that they're not there to judge you, they deal with all sorts of patients and it not anything new to them.

just thought id continue this thought....hopefully you dont mind

if they do give you problems you can always request a new one. thats where im at right now because mine wasnt listening to me and therefore was giving my husband bad advice

 

[I_love_to_bake]

Hey, I'm so happy to see you writing here for help! Reaching out for help takes strength. Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like you have a good support system at home. But we can look forward to a bright future if you find the strength to pull through this. There are wonderful people out there for you to meet.

I want you to know from the bottom of my heart that you remind me of myself when I was younger. I have big scars all up and down both arms that will never go away. I cut with anything that I could get my hands on, anything to take me away from the emotional burdens I didn't know how to carry. For years I refused therapy until I finally laid aside my pride and deconstructed the emotional barriers I built to protect myself from harm. And one day, I became the hero I needed to save myself. You can too.

Also, it fucking sucks when people see your scars. It's like a feeling so strong I just freeze up, emotionally shut down. The shame is intense. My only advice is to connect with anyone you know with real love in their heart, and they can help you.

 

[noaccount]

Not everyone is like that. The ones I've dealt with have only ever been compassionate and caring. Nobody ever tried to check my arms or legs to see if I was self harming but I was always honest with them. If you do reach out for help then be honest and explain why you're very nervous about seeking help. I'm sure they will understand and reassure you.
Also it's OK to go through several different doctors to find the right one.

It's also okay to say that you don't want to talk about that and important to know what boundaries you want to set, if there are certain questions you don't want to discuss, etc.
I hope you find someone a lot more respectful than your fam and previous doc, Vib!

 

[Uzera]

TW for detailed self-harm, (possible) abuse. please let me know if anything said here is inappropriate/too graphic or if this belongs in another thread.


i realize that having access to mental health services is a privilege, but i can't bring myself to take advantage of this privilege due to things that have happened in the past.

when this all happened, my mental health, simply put, was in shambles. i had scars running up my forearms and chest. i had a ten-inch knife in my pillowcase that i cut myself with every morning. i often refused to go to school. one day, when my mom was cleaning my room while i was away (i do this myself usually), she found said knife.

she responded by taking away my phone (as pathetic as it sounds, my internet friends were my only support system) and yelling at me. one time, she even hit me when she found out i was relapsing. another time, i was overreacting to schoolwork (screaming, swearing, ripping at the paper, etc) and she came in because i said "hell" and threw holy water on me. another time, when i refused to go to school, she brought me to her workplace, to where i had to sit in an office all day (and was found by the person who worked there), and then i had to sit in an empty conference room until her day was over. when i went to the doctor, the constant checking of my arms made me feel even more embarrassed.

i haven't been able to come clean about anything since, because i'm afraid of being treated like that again. i want to get everything off my chest, but i don't want to be treated like that again. advice? keep in mind the only thing i've been diagnosed with is adjustment disorder.

tldr; struggled with self harm, got treated like shit because of it, too afraid to ask for help.

You're mom sounds awful. What you described is abuse. There are therapists and supports around that aren't crap you just have to look. It might not be the first one you find but they are out there. There are some pretty nice people here who are helpful and will talk to you. It is the internet you do have to be careful but the regulars that are always around always seem very nice. Alot of us here have been through the type of things you've been through. Feel free to PM if you want to talk.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

Sadly common story with people getting a response of anger when someone finds out about self harm. Know that there is nothing 'bad' about you here. You have an unhealthy coping mechanism born from a lot of stress which is understandable. I had a similar but less extreme experience with my parents; no matter how supportive they try to be now I can't shake the image of them sat there angry at me while I tried to justify being upset.

 

[CuddleHug]

please let me know if anything said here is inappropriate/too graphic or if this belongs in another thread.

You've come to the right place, don't worry. No one will judge you here. You need support and that's what this forum is about. You can vent and ask any questions you want, we will listen and do whatbwe can to help, share our own experiences.

Yoir situation sounds horrible. Parents who are abusive can really break you down to the point where asking for outside help seems impossible, especially when you've been treated badly by health professionals as well.

Just know that there are good doctors out there. Perhaps it's different in my country, but I've seen at least 5 different psychiatrists (I've lost count, could be 10) and not a single one has forced me to show them my SH scars and wounds. They have asked "may I look at them?" and sometimes I have let thrm, sometimes not. Always a respectful exchange and no humiliation or guilt involved.

My psychologist has asked as well, but I haven't shown her and I've seen her for almost a year now. She knows extensively about my SH, but never presses me about it. Usually when I say it's getting worse, she will ask if I'm taking care of the wounds properly and if they are deep enough to need stitches, in which case she'll send me to a hospital. That has never happened.

If you want someone to talk to who listens and understands what you're feeling, don't hesitate to PM me. I am more active in those conversations than open threads like this. You can be as explicit or graphic as you want, I've probably been through most of it already, at least when it comes to SH.

Thank you for sharing your story and rraching out for help here. It's a first step towards recovery and I promise you, talking about it helps.

Lots of love and hugs