Venting Scared to go back into therapy

[Votrex]

A few weeks ago I went to the doctor to get my blood tested, because i was extremely tired every day, every day that i went to work i almost fell asleep in my car multiple times even though I had slept enough.
So on the day that I went to the doctor I was pretty tired because it was after work, and I began explaining to her my situation, and right before she was going to take my blood I spurted out that I have suicidal thoughts since I was 12 and that I went to therapy for depression but that i quit after faking that i was getting better. (I'm 22 now)

She then began to ask me all sorts of questions of course, I for some reason thought she would just be like "oh, ok." and do nothing with the information, silly me.
So now I'm scheduled to go to another psychologist, but this time it is someone that 'knows' me from when I was a kid, because its the mother of someone in my class when everything started.
I'm just really scared that she might know more stuff about my past and reveal them to me (I have forgotten a lot of what happened) and I'm scared that I'm delusional about what actually happened and that all my thoughts about what happened in the past are wrong.

The closer I get to the appointment the more panicked i begin to feel, my sister is also undergoing therapy and has put a huge strain on my mother, I don't want to increase her stress more.
She is already mad at me for not telling her that I was suicidal, but how can I tell my own mother that I want to die, even though I know she knows how it feels to be suicidal, I just can't talk to her or anyone about this, I just feel so isolated, so lonely and I want it to stay like this, I don't want to hurt anyone when I finally die, I have cut most of my ties with the people I used to hang out with, they didn't know about my suicidal thoughts but they helped me by just being my friends, but that time is over, most of my friends have left since a stupid drama happened which ended up splitting my friend group, I am slowly cutting ties with everyone around me so that I can CTB without hurting a lot of people. Only one friend is remaining, he's the only one that I have been able to talk to about my thoughts, he's trying to convince me to get a gf, doctor also told me I should get one, really felt for a minute i was gonna get a diagonsis "no bitches" jokes aside, I feel like this would not benefit me and bring another person in my life that will get hurt by me, because hurting people is inevitable.

Sorry for this long vent I just had to get a few things of my chest, if you read this, thank you, you have no idea what that means to me.

 

[socrates]

"Have a problem? get a get a girlfriend!" What kind of advice is that? I mean maybe talking to this doc will help you. Honestly I highly highly doubt this shrink will remember much about you if anything at all. Though I understand the fear, those what ifs will kill you. You aren't alone, even if feels like it. There are tons of people out there going through stuff just like what you are going through. I hope the session helps you in some way.

 

[Throwawayacc3]

"Have a problem? get a get a girlfriend!" What kind of advice is that? I mean maybe talking to this doc will help you. Honestly I highly highly doubt this shrink will remember much about you if anything at all. Though I understand the fear, those what ifs will kill you. You aren't alone, even if feels like it. There are tons of people out there going through stuff just like what you are going through. I hope the session helps you in some way.

This is kind of similar to how others have spoken to me but it's been "get a job" after having owned a business for over a decade. Job, gf, exercise = cures apparently. I really hate the neurotypical lot.

If you are neurodivergent, autistic or you may think something isn't right check this first. There are so many studies on how brains wired like this have 0 connection or relatability to nearly all therapists (or others in a "similar" medical field).

Edit: oh yeah getting a gf - easy. It's like a kinder egg - just buy one and you get a toy inside. My god the mind of some of these people is so fucked up and delusional. Either your "friend" is a complete normie or so out of touch with reality that he thinks it's like breathing. Im not a betting man but I have a strong suspicion your friend has a girlfriend or partner and he's projecting - if I have it, it helps me so it MUST help you.