Scared to die, scared to live

[justwannadip]

How do you guys get the courage to ctb? Obviously everyone here hasn't done it (excluding failed serious attempts) so its hard to know if you have the courage until you do it. I have anxiety and ocd, so I basically doubt everything and panic about decisions which along with my survival instinct, are huge obstacles. But I've known for a while now that things won't get better for me and that my brain has always and will always relentlessly torture me and fuel self-sabotage. Honestly, I'm much more scared of not having the courage to ctb and continuing this mental torture than the idea of death and suicide itself. And yet, I can't seem to get myself to end it, or even feel confident that I could (really hard with ocd and doubt).

So I feel stuck in this sick, torturous game that my brain puts me through and I just need it to stop before I become even more of a degenerate, burden, and/or hurt someone (I've been struggling not only with intense self-blame and hatred, but now vengeful thoughts that literally feel like kerosene being dumped into the deepest regions of my brain—its exhausting and physically hurts).
So ya, I guess I'm not expecting much from this, as in the end I have to be the one to do it. Still I'm wondering, how do you guys think you'll be able to go through with it?

I'm aware that for almost everyone here, ctb'ing is the heaviest and scariest decision one can make. I mean its literally ending everything. Even for me who has nothing to live for and is in constant mental turmoil, its hard to comprehend such a choice. I'm a firm believer that almost all of us don't want to die, but just want the relentless pain to stop. Choosing non-existence and the complete lack of experience over experience at all is terrifying.

I don't mean to sound self-pitying, but its a horrible place to be in. I have no motive with my ctb other than to finally cease this unending game of torture my brain puts me through from the moment I wake up until I rest my head on the pillow. I don't care too much about how others will perceive me, and I'd be dead, so for once I wouldn't experience unending regret about it. It does hurt thinking about what my family will have to go through, particularly my parents and my sister. Even though I didn't get along with my parents for much of my young adult life, I know its awful to lose a child regardless. I hope they don't regret things so much, and that there will be some solace that while I'm not at peace (I view peace as a living experience) at least I'm not actively suffering anymore.

 

[dumed1]

I agree, feeling suicidal is torture, a fate worse than death in many ways. But that's because choosing to die is such a horrible, permanent, scary choice. That's why I wish that I had died already, instead of having life circumstances force me to consider this terrible choice as the only way out of my pain.

 

[FuneralCry]

I certainly understand that it's tiring and dreadful suffering in this existence, personally I suffer so much from how I cannot just have the option to painlessly die in peace, it just feels so cruel to me how I simply cannot just escape from all the suffering in a peaceful way. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[lnlybnny]

I'm still trying to gather courage to buy my kit. I've been fantasizing about ctb'ing for over ten years but only now I'm coming to terms with actually doing it. I didn't know it was so hard to even have the right mind space to buy the stuff. I have no energy to live and no energy to die by my own hands, I realized. But still I need to find it within me. I still don't know how though. I sympathize with your struggle a lot. When you talk about self sabotage and fighting with your own mind I relate to it so much. My brain sabotages everything, even the good things that happen it dissecates so much to the point I suffer even in positive scenarios. It really feels like torture. I also understand how it's terrifying the decision to enter the abyss of not knowing exactly what happens. It's painful to be in this state but also completely overwhelming and paralyzing deciding not to live anything at all when life is all you've known (even with everything that comes with it). I'm sorry you're going through this too.

 

[CantDoIt]

It's difficult. I also have OCD and am always researching things like what happens after death. I get encouraged by either nothingness or some other realm better than this one. But if I talk to anyone about feeling bad it ruins it because I'm encouraged to live. I'm about to buy my substance when I get the money. I may need to sit on it for awhile. It seems like I get closer to doing it when I'm not online researching too much but I'm also sort of keeping it bottled in. Like a balance, the research works me up to committing but if I do too much I start getting scared, guilty, and having nightmares.

 

[divinemistress36]

It's difficult. I also have OCD and am always researching things like what happens after death. I get encouraged by either nothingness or some other realm better than this one. But if I talk to anyone about feeling bad it ruins it because I'm encouraged to live. I'm about to buy my substance when I get the money. I may need to sit on it for awhile. It seems like I get closer to doing it when I'm not online researching too much but I'm also sort of keeping it bottled in. Like a balance, the research works me up to committing but if I do too much I start getting scared, guilty, and having nightmares.

I'm the same way. Nothing or another realm sounds like hell of a lot better than here

 

[justwannadip]

I'm still trying to gather courage to buy my kit. I've been fantasizing about ctb'ing for over ten years but only now I'm coming to terms with actually doing it. I didn't know it was so hard to even have the right mind space to buy the stuff. I have no energy to live and no energy to die by my own hands, I realized. But still I need to find it within me. I still don't know how though. I sympathize with your struggle a lot. When you talk about self sabotage and fighting with your own mind I relate to it so much. My brain sabotages everything, even the good things that happen it dissecates so much to the point I suffer even in positive scenarios. It really feels like torture. I also understand how it's terrifying the decision to enter the abyss of not knowing exactly what happens. It's painful to be in this state but also completely overwhelming and paralyzing deciding not to live anything at all when life is all you've known (even with everything that comes with it). I'm sorry you're going through this too.

I completely relate to your brain sabotaging what should be good moments or feelings. For me, whenever that happens, my brain intrusively reminds me of something horrible and makes me feel as though I'm not allowed to feel happy. Also, due to my disorder profile, almost everything triggers me due to making vivid associations with seemingly benign instances. Life being all we've ever known and all we will ever know is terrifying I agree. It's such a weird state to be in, to choose abscence of experience over experience at all. And even though I'd say that, at the time I'm writing this, 97% of my daily experience is extremely painful, there's occasionally brief moments of "relief" or just distraction. Its to the point where I start to hate those moments and see them as giving me just enough peace to keep me prisoned to this pattern. Its like living underwater, drowning constantly, but just getting your head above water when you're about to pass out, only to be pushed back under to repeat.

 

[pithyone]

I found that after the first time I got close to succeeding on an attempt that SI for the most part disappeared. The only thing that really inspired some uncertainty was being unsure of how reliable the method I used was. To be completely honest, I'm more afraid of rain or other bad weather on the day I finally succeed than actually dying. Just my personal experience though.

 

[justwannadip]

I found that after the first time I got close to succeeding on an attempt that SI for the most part disappeared. The only thing that really inspired some uncertainty was being unsure of how reliable the method I used was. To be completely honest, I'm more afraid of rain or other bad weather on the day I finally succeed than actually dying. Just my personal experience though.

So you don't really have fear about it? Only about the possibility of failure?