Venting Scared to CTB

[RedKingdom]

Fantasizing about ending my suffering always made me calm and at ease knowing it'll be over soon. Realizing that I need to follow through with this in the next couple days though is really weighing on me. It's finally setting in on what's going to happen. Now that I'm not working and only have so much money left, it has to be done. I refuse to be a burden to my family any longer and watch them struggle. I hate feeling weak and hesitant about CTB when it's what I've wanted for so long. I'm definitely going to need some support when I'm ready cuz I can't keep going on like this. I have bipolar disorder along with severe anxiety and borderline agoraphobia. Living with this is hell everyday. I absolutely hate myself and my self esteem is non existent. Anytime I'm around people, I feel completely disconnected and uncomfortable around them. It's like I don't even know who I am and am completely lost. Nothing brings me joy in life and all I want to do is get drunk to numb the pain and play video games as a distraction. Obviously it isn't feasible to live like this. Don't know what else to say but wanted to get my thoughts out there as I prepare for my journey. Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this.

 

[JustSomeoneOnline]

I hope when the time comes you know what you're doing and can leave without regrets. Fantasizing about death and fear of death are 2 sides of the same coin, one almost always comes along with the other. Its all about weighing the pros and cons and accepting the decision you make. If you do 100% decide to follow through, i'm sorry life has treated you this way and I wish you the best of luck.

 

[pharma]

i think that fear is our brain's inherent desire of self-perservation. i hope whatever choice you make gives you the peace you deserve

 

[Sulyya]

The feeling of hopelessness that comes from our own minds, I hate it.

I imagine there are two types of fear with CTB - there absolutely would be at the moment that someone makes the step itself. But at this stage where you are contemplating, preparing etc, it can be fear mixed with uncertainty. Many of us feel 100% certain that we want to die, but getting ready to make that happen will confuse our minds. It's got to be the most complicated feeling that a human can have.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's just the unfortunate reality that actually going through with suicide is something that isn't straightforward and it's understandable having fears. It really should be easier for us to finally be free from this hellish world, but anyway I wish you the best and hope that you find the freedom that you are searching for.

 

[Sparx]

There are so many fears involved:

- fear of failure
- fear of pain during the process
- fear of death
- fear of what comes afterwards (if anything)
- fear of hurting loved ones

It's an awful situation to be in. The gap between ideation and actually doing it is immense.

 

[AllMyDreams]

It sounds like an awful lot to deal with... I'm sorry. I'm kind of in your shoes, as I'm unemployed and spend all my time on the computer. Have money to survive for 3 years but not sure what my plans are after that.

Whatever happens, don't feel ashamed of yourself for not CTBing. Nobody wishes you were dead except yourself- most of society genuinely values life. Suicide is a decision to be made only when you're 100% ready and certain, and after you've tried seeking help. If you aren't CTBing, it doesn't mean that you're "weak" or less of a person, it just means you aren't completely ready yet.

If you want to talk about anything at all, please let me know.