Venting scared of those around me dying whether i ctb or not

[viljalauss]

[vent.. tl:dr : i really really want to die on the date i have planned very soon but am scared, not for myself but for other people. also sorry for lack of punctuation]

appears the captcha check has levelled up (i failed it like twice) :o very giraffe-enthusiastic for some reason

aa aaaaaaaaa

i don't think this is just an anxiety thing though i sure am feeling fear. it just feels like everything i do or can do is wrong

i mentioned (or maybe it got lost in the data loss) the dream i had of my bf ctbing by drowning and me not being able to move in the dream to help him, around the same time i was considering using / planning the same method (because i'd lost hope wrt sn). i have also mentioned before (here and, embarrassingly, at least once on reddit, and seemingly multiple times to my peer supporter because i can't keep my mouth shut and all i do is grate on the ears like a broken record!!) how my dad said he'd kill himself if anything happened to [me and my sister] (which might include 'being influenced' by [other] trans people), how he said we as a family needed to protect my mother (who cried profusely when i was forced to come out) and i have no idea of the extent that she will suffer or what she might do to herself if i transition, or leave my parents in order to do so, and indeed if i ctb. there's nothing else out there but hurting them which i have done my whole entire life i have been so bad to raise and so ungrateful i can't bring anything good to this world all i can do is sit here and mourn deaths that haven't happened yet but i can smell on my hands

god it's too much it's too much i can't handle this. i didn't mean any harm i promise i didn't mean to hurt anyone and not this deeply but that is all i can do i'm scared i'm genuinely going to kill someone that isn't myself and i wish it was just me being irrational if it were this would be so much easier

i don't care if i die and more importantly i really really want to but my bf and my family for that matter have such a potentially good and long life ahead of them that they actually have goals and enthusiasm for and ambitions and the same way that murder cuts off such potential and will to life i may do the same whether i myself die or not

i knew these fears and knew these possibilities for a long time i just thought i could somehow get round them by using the fact that when i'm dead i won't feel anything or know any events in the world after - ie if anyone did die or deeply hurt themselves or fall into depression or _anything_ i would not have to know and i could be dead and i want it so much i just want peace clearly i am so capable of harm that it is overwhelming

i just can't take this this feels like far too much for a single life but i have gone through mine barely scathed all my scars are from the harm i have caused

maybe i am anxious my mouth feels dry i wish this was just a bad dream and i could die not to wake up but for the dream to quiet and soften around the edges for me to roam and float around in relative comfort

 

[itsneverbeenmoreove]

I relate. I'm pretty sure my dad would kill himself if I CTB. That sucks, but ultimately I can't be responsible for other people's actions. And since I don't believe in like... an afterlife, once I'm dead, I'm dead and so nothing matters to a dead person. Idk if that's helpful or harmful to hear, but I thought I might as well give my, er, thoughts.

 

[viljalauss]

I relate. I'm pretty sure my dad would kill himself if I CTB. That sucks, but ultimately I can't be responsible for other people's actions. And since I don't believe in like... an afterlife, once I'm dead, I'm dead and so nothing matters to a dead person. Idk if that's helpful or harmful to hear, but I thought I might as well give my, er, thoughts.

sad to hear i'm not the only one. and yea it is true you can't be responsible for other people's actions. to be honest on first reading i thought saying so was overly dismissive, but it is also just true as i have found that the idea of staying alive for someone else doesn't suddenly make staying alive more manageable.

those were my thoughts too, so i suppose hearing them is neutral :) it is true nothing will matter to me after i am dead though the guilt always seems to find a way to me whether i'm awake or dreaming. i'm also worried it'll mess with me right before i try to ctb or during the process

also your thoughts are quite lucretian

 

[itsneverbeenmoreove]

also your thoughts are quite lucretian

Oh, you flatter me too much lol