Venting scared of the real world

[strawberrydino]

im in college rn and living w/my parents. super privileged to have a nice (upper?) class life. i go to therapy and me and my therapist think i might have bpd, or maybe just depression. two sessions ago i was having a really bad episode and we were seriously medication(i feel bad alr bc my parents pay for therapy) and i hate feeling like a burden. last session i was having a particularly good day and felt like id be fine with monthly sessions instead, huge mistake i feel like shit.

i am lost on emotion management. this entire week i was in a depressive slump especially this weekend. even thought i was able to enjoy playing games with my friend thats all i did, laid in bed depressed even though i have a presentation due this monday. maybe i really do have bpd or borderline and i need medication, i keep being clean from sh for a couple weeks but i messed up again. and it feels better. i was supposed to get so much more done.

i failed to get into my dream college and now im failing again by not workjng towards the goals i actually want to do and need to do to get a good job. i feel like im fucking it for my parents and me. and idk how im going to survive in the real world if i can barely stand college and how sheltered i am now.

today is bad. i needed to have been asleep three hours ago and i really just want to skip. but then would be my first skip of the year and i dont want to set a standard like that. i procrastinated way too much. why am i so bad at this. this cant be how people live, i feel like it wasnt this bad even a couple years ago.

i dont know whats wrong i wish someone would just tell me this is everything i need to fix to be on track. i want the future i envision, nice house and job with time for art. but i dont see a surefire path there, and idk if its worth suffering through all this to get there. and if i fail(likely) then ill just end up being a parasite to my family forever.

it really feels like the worlds falling apart. (i mean literally yeah usa is kinda falling apart) but i dont know how to tackle anything. i barely know how to do laundry. i dont drive yet which i need to learn but i really am terrified i might end up killing someone. need a job. idk im tired. im so tired of feeling like shit thinking its gone forever and ending up at the same spot.

tldr intense anxiety abt future.

 

[NoPoint2Life]

Your last paragraph really hit home . I am 44 from the US. Yeah, I definitely feel like our country is falling apart and headed for a nosedive next year.

I learned how to do laundry very late in life. I still don't drive because like you said it terrifies me. And I can't cook to save my life.

I also have lived with my parents my entire life. I am an only child and I used to be able to play it off because for over 15 years, I worked just five blocks from my house, so it was very convenient. Now they are elderly and my mom has a shit load of health issues and I don't work partially because I help take care of her and partially because a few years ago my OCD got completely out of control. Oh, and my father pays for my OCD therapy.

But it's embarrassing. I would never be able to take care of myself if I were on my own. I wouldn't even know where to begin. So I get that as a young person in college The future seems really scary for you. I wish I had words of encouragement. But you are also dealing with a possible BPD diagnosis and I can't imagine if my mental issues had started when I was that young…. Well they kind of did.

The only encouragement I can give you is that you said you feel very sheltered. Stay with your parents as long as you can and try to learn from them as much as you can. But Don't do what I did and not learn real life stuff until it was too late. Tackle learning basic things one at a time.

I'm here if you want to talk.

Btw - what does TLDR mean? I've seen it several times lately on this site and I can't remember ever seeing what it meant.