Help Scared of the fact how everything is going wrong

[hollow_eyes]

I've been dealing with a decline in mental health since may of this year. It started out first as very severe social anxiety, which messed up a lot of my social connections causing issues such as the ones I have right now. It's been a few months and somehow things progressed into fully fledged depression. I really don't know what to do as I cannot afford therapy, and even if I could, I do not trust many other adults and do not want to confide in them. I go to university and still live with my parents, yet my relationship with them is horrible, and I know I cannot entrust them in sharing such private details.

My coping mechanisms were okay, mainly writing poems and listening to music. People tell me to see a therapist, but at the age of still living with parents, especially strict and nosy ones who want to know all my private details, it is not a good idea. I tell people I will, but I really don't want to and I feel like this forum would actually understand the full reasons why. My relationships with my friends are mostly rocky, as I really can't say much to anyone without them raising the alarm, yet I really need someone to confide in. It seems like nobody cares enough to listen to me, or just can't be bothered.

What I really want to talk about though is my self-harm. I had been considering cutting myself for many months but held off until the first time I did it a week ago, very late at night across the arm as a coping mechanism to deal with all the pent up emotions. Somehow one small slit turned into many more, and though not deep, they span across my arm. Problem is, is that summer is coming down where I live and wearing long sleeves is becoming more and more risky. Most of all, I'm confused with the sickly feeling of satisfaction I got looking at the cuts. I want to hide it from the world but at the same time, I want my friends (If I can call them that) to see. I don't know who else to confide in but I need some advice for what to do. I've been cutting myself almost daily and though I know it won't leave permanent scars, I do want to stop or at least do it somewhere better. Any suggestions for things to say if it is noticed, or where else to move my cutting to?

 

[inpursuitofpeace]

I've been dealing with a decline in mental health since may of this year. It started out first as very severe social anxiety, which messed up a lot of my social connections causing issues such as the ones I have right now. It's been a few months and somehow things progressed into fully fledged depression. I really don't know what to do as I cannot afford therapy, and even if I could, I do not trust many other adults and do not want to confide in them. I go to university and still live with my parents, yet my relationship with them is horrible, and I know I cannot entrust them in sharing such private details.

My coping mechanisms were okay, mainly writing poems and listening to music. People tell me to see a therapist, but at the age of still living with parents, especially strict and nosy ones who want to know all my private details, it is not a good idea. I tell people I will, but I really don't want to and I feel like this forum would actually understand the full reasons why. My relationships with my friends are mostly rocky, as I really can't say much to anyone without them raising the alarm, yet I really need someone to confide in. It seems like nobody cares enough to listen to me, or just can't be bothered.

What I really want to talk about though is my self-harm. I had been considering cutting myself for many months but held off until the first time I did it a week ago, very late at night across the arm as a coping mechanism to deal with all the pent up emotions. Somehow one small slit turned into many more, and though not deep, they span across my arm. Problem is, is that summer is coming down where I live and wearing long sleeves is becoming more and more risky. Most of all, I'm confused with the sickly feeling of satisfaction I got looking at the cuts. I want to hide it from the world but at the same time, I want my friends (If I can call them that) to see. I don't know who else to confide in but I need some advice for what to do. I've been cutting myself almost daily and though I know it won't leave permanent scars, I do want to stop or at least do it somewhere better. Any suggestions for things to say if it is noticed, or where else to move my cutting to?

Hi, thanks for sharing. I definitely won't have all of the solutions to make the pain go away, but I do have a few suggestions that might be helpful for you. 1) The euphoric feeling during/after SH is normal. I actually talked to my therapist about this for myself and she said that so many of her clients described the same feeling. I was glad to know that I was not alone. It's also wild that the greater the injury, the more euphoria (and not in a manic sense, but pleasure). It's a feeling where all of the pent up emotions release. 2) For moving areas of SH, I would recommend the stomach or thighs. 3) For decreasing SH, try harm reduction if you would like. SH with something less sharp; put silly putty on your arms where you want to c*t and scratch through it; anything to keep your hands busy (knit, paint, make a bracelet, fidgets, etc)

 

[Enlighten]

I've been dealing with a decline in mental health since may of this year. It started out first as very severe social anxiety, which messed up a lot of my social connections causing issues such as the ones I have right now. It's been a few months and somehow things progressed into fully fledged depression. I really don't know what to do as I cannot afford therapy, and even if I could, I do not trust many other adults and do not want to confide in them. I go to university and still live with my parents, yet my relationship with them is horrible, and I know I cannot entrust them in sharing such private details.

My coping mechanisms were okay, mainly writing poems and listening to music. People tell me to see a therapist, but at the age of still living with parents, especially strict and nosy ones who want to know all my private details, it is not a good idea. I tell people I will, but I really don't want to and I feel like this forum would actually understand the full reasons why. My relationships with my friends are mostly rocky, as I really can't say much to anyone without them raising the alarm, yet I really need someone to confide in. It seems like nobody cares enough to listen to me, or just can't be bothered.

What I really want to talk about though is my self-harm. I had been considering cutting myself for many months but held off until the first time I did it a week ago, very late at night across the arm as a coping mechanism to deal with all the pent up emotions. Somehow one small slit turned into many more, and though not deep, they span across my arm. Problem is, is that summer is coming down where I live and wearing long sleeves is becoming more and more risky. Most of all, I'm confused with the sickly feeling of satisfaction I got looking at the cuts. I want to hide it from the world but at the same time, I want my friends (If I can call them that) to see. I don't know who else to confide in but I need some advice for what to do. I've been cutting myself almost daily and though I know it won't leave permanent scars, I do want to stop or at least do it somewhere better. Any suggestions for things to say if it is noticed, or where else to move my cutting to?

Hey OP, thank you for reaching out here. I'm sorry you have been dealing with these issues all by yourself. The fact you do not have the means to visit a therapist is really regrettable.
I would advice against showing the wounds of your SH to your friends, they may really take it the wrong way and cast you out of the friend circle, which will only spiral you down even more. If that means sweating a bit more with long sleeves, i think you should do that.
I care enough to listen to you. More so, i would love to listen to what you're going through and try to give my advice. If you would confide in me, i'm sure you wouldn't regret it.
Either way, i wish you the best. Nobody deserves to hurt like this.

 

[SovietSuicide]

Hi, thanks for sharing. I definitely won't have all of the solutions to make the pain go away, but I do have a few suggestions that might be helpful for you. 1) The euphoric feeling during/after SH is normal. I actually talked to my therapist about this for myself and she said that so many of her clients described the same feeling. I was glad to know that I was not alone. It's also wild that the greater the injury, the more euphoria (and not in a manic sense, but pleasure). It's a feeling where all of the pent up emotions release. 2) For moving areas of SH, I would recommend the stomach or thighs. 3) For decreasing SH, try harm reduction if you would like. SH with something less sharp; put silly putty on your arms where you want to c*t and scratch through it; anything to keep your hands busy (knit, paint, make a bracelet, fidgets, etc)

Do you get the same euphoria with blunt pain like hitting yourself with a belt or something or does it only work with cutting?

 

[hollow_eyes]

Do you get the same euphoria with blunt pain like hitting yourself with a belt or something or does it only work with cutting?

I haven't really thought about it much, but that euphoria is almost exclusively caused by the cutting.

Hey OP, thank you for reaching out here. I'm sorry you have been dealing with these issues all by yourself. The fact you do not have the means to visit a therapist is really regrettable.
I would advice against showing the wounds of your SH to your friends, they may really take it the wrong way and cast you out of the friend circle, which will only spiral you down even more. If that means sweating a bit more with long sleeves, i think you should do that.
I care enough to listen to you. More so, i would love to listen to what you're going through and try to give my advice. If you would confide in me, i'm sure you wouldn't regret it.
Either way, i wish you the best. Nobody deserves to hurt like this.

I do know there is a private message feature but I am unsure of how to use it. I think it may be nice to tell the entire story, unfiltered, though it is very long and complicated and I don't mind if you don't have the time for that. Also about showing my scars, I've shown them fully to one friend in a similar position to me and I think one of my other problematic friends has accidentally seen it (long story) but he hasn't said anything yet. If you could tell me how the private messages work, I wouldn't mind talking to you about it.

 

[Enlighten]

I haven't really thought about it much, but that euphoria is almost exclusively caused by the cutting.

I do know there is a private message feature but I am unsure of how to use it. I think it may be nice to tell the entire story, unfiltered, though it is very long and complicated and I don't mind if you don't have the time for that. Also about showing my scars, I've shown them fully to one friend in a similar position to me and I think one of my other problematic friends has accidentally seen it (long story) but he hasn't said anything yet. If you could tell me how the private messages work, I wouldn't mind talking to you about it.

I think it unlocks after you placed at least 10 comments or something.So you have to interact a bit more for it. Alternatively you could add me on discord too (gigag33rt) I'm sure we could find a moment where we could discuss this.

 

[hollow_eyes]

I think it unlocks after you placed at least 10 comments or something.So you have to interact a bit more for it. Alternatively you could add me on discord too (gigag33rt) I'm sure we could find a moment where we could discuss this.

I've definitely been interacting more, so it won't take long for me to do that. As for discord, it may be a bit risky as I can't really hide messages and the app itself the way I do with this one.

 

[inpursuitofpeace]

Do you get the same euphoria with blunt pain like hitting yourself with a belt or something or does it only work with cutting?

For me, I don't get the same sense of euphoria with a blunt pain, but a lot of times I'll lightly press the kn!fe into my skin rather than cutting and I still get the euphoria. But, I only SH a few times a year. I'm sure if it was more frequently, the euphoria would go away because in some ways, it's kind of similar to an add!ction where you need to do more and more things to feel the euphoria. But you can always experiment with other things as a form of harm reduction to hopefully stop, if that is your goal. Keeping my hands busy doing other tasks has helped me a lot.