I'm in a similar position to you. Not raised in a very religious household but I was raised to believe in heaven and a close family member believes suicides go to hell/purgatory at least. Even if you can get to a point where you're questioning religion, it's still difficult to get rid of those fears entirely.
What I find at least helps is questioning things rationally. I'm so annoyed that I can't find it now but I once watched a YouTube video of a lady that explained that at one point, people labouring in the fields were told more or less- things are hard now but when you get to heaven, all will be paradise. Naturally, lots of them decided to fast track the process and take their own lives. The lady argued that 'suicide as sinful, punished in hell' came about partly in response to this. Obviously, it's an over simplification but it makes sense doesn't it? Keep the workforce intact.
Really have no knowledge about the bible but as far as I'm aware, there's not an awful lot said about suicide. Just a quick Google search comes up with 6 suicides in the bible but not much on whether it is condemned in there. (Looks like it is condemned in the Quran though- after a quick search.)
Therefore- if there isn't anything particularly concrete to say it is considered a sin in the bible, we have to assume that this part (along with many others I suspect) has been integrated later. Trouble is- even if you believe in a central figure of a God or God's messenger- the bible and all that has followed it has been written by man- and most likely- those in the ruling classes. I firmly believe that religion is an (effective) tool used alongside law to keep everyone in order and working for the state. I just try and focus on this when I start worrying about God/hell.
The subject of hell terrifies me very much. I have recently seen several videos on Youtube of near death experiences of people who say they have been to hell, and it is a million times worse than any suffering in earthly life. Many say that it has left them traumatized and that after seeing hell, they changed radically for fear of ending up there. What they explain is that hell is an eternal life of punishment, where there are monstrous demons that continually torture you, and kill you over and over again, only you can't die there, but you feel the pain. It feels unbearably hot and there is not a single drop of water, you cannot rest, you cannot sleep even when you are tired. The smell is the most horrible thing you can imagine, it is a detail that all the testimonies tell, the horrible smell in hell.
Also, they say hell is eternal. I don't even want to imagine being in a place like this for eternity, so I'm personally terrified of it. Those who have seen it, some of them after suicide attempts, others not, assure that hell is real, not an invention, and that it is the most horrible thing you can imagine, next to it the Earth is paradise. I believe that it is real, it does not seem to me that they are actors or they are making it up, in fact, hell has been seen by believers and non-believers, and there are too many testimonies.
A couple of videos of testimonials about hell that I saw recently, although there are many:
I too worry about it but I do my best to question it too. I'm not going to watch those videos- I'll explain why in a bit.
I would argue that you need a physical body and a brain to experience physical pain/smell/heat. If those people's consciousness/spirit/soul's really did go to hell and they really did experience actual pain/smell/heat- were they given new bodies' to do so? What happened to those bodies' when they regained consciousness back on earth? Like you mentioned- you can't die in hell- but apparently you can visit it for a bit- in a temporary body?
I definitely believe that the imagination/brain is perfectly capable of conjuring up the most awful things imaginable. (We've all had nightmares.) Plus, time can get super distorted in dreams- that's all I can liken near death to. Those people weren't brain dead- I don't think you can be resuscitated from brain death. How can they or you be sure that they went to hell rather than just imagined it?
That for me is the scary part- what if we 'get' what we think we deserve? That's why I don't want to fill my head with all the ways I might be punished. I really hope I can make myself be calm if I ever manage to ctb- or- even die naturally... Still, seeing as my dreams are usually full of angst, I kind of fear the worst.
Here's what I think,
If there was/is a God then he's clearly a psychopath and also there are glaring flaws to life that he has created if so.
Examples; killing for food/being forced to kill, cancer, global corporate greed, poverty, etc the list is endless.
Take the Sun, the source of all our power and the bringer of such beauty in the world right? How come it is so harmful to our skin causing cancer and literal death and will ultimately be the thing that destroys us all.
Sorry but God if he exists (I don't fear it) is either not all good or not all powerful. I mean we are meant to get on our knees and beg for forgiveness and be grateful in a world of such hate and misery? What psychopath would do that.
I do totally agree with you but sadly, I can't entirely shake the idea of a God- good or bad. I agree that there's more than enough evidence to suggest if there is such a thing, he/she/it is not some kind, forgiving teacher but a sick sadist.
Still, IF something is real, you don't need to believe or agree with it for it to torture and kill you. Think we try and reason with ourselves that we have power saying- I'm not going to believe in such a sadistic arsehole- which will work if there really is nothing- and I really hope so but it won't make any difference sadly if indeed there is something behind all this madness.
In fact, according to religion, we get condemned for not believing. (Although that part has always seemed the most weird to me- why does an all powerful entity need a fan club? Sounds kind of insecure to me...Of course- logic tells me that The Church/religion is a business/method of control and they need people to believe for it to work).
Just wish I could get rid of my doubt that there is in fact a God and he/she/it is in fact pretty mean.
