Scared of failure (how do you cope with those thoughts?)

[MG_39]

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Topic preface: Whenever I start a topic here I'm going to start with this, and I hope it's okay. Why? because I see both the good and the bad things with this forum.
The good thing is that you can avoid mistakes which could result in worse conditions than you where in before your ctb, the bad thing is that someone can make a bad decision for a temporary problem.
If you read this and something recently happened in your life, and you feel like you don't want to live anymore, and nothing can change that. Then remember even though it's hard right now, things change in life, and a lot of us have been there. I'm middle age (around 50yo) I have been there two times in my life. It was so painful, and I was sure my life was destroyed. I choose to talk to someone, and since then I've had a lot of happy moments in my life. If you have struggled for a very long time and see no other way, have you really tried everything? could a last solution be to sell everything and travel? or do other radical changes in your life, since you have nothing too loose? Please try EVERYTHING before you make this decision.
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Now to the topic. I recently become a member here, because I have a terminal illness which I can't live with, everyday is an indescribable pain. It makes me very sad because I still have so much I really wan't to do in life but I can't, and I don't want to hurt people close to me. I really would prefer to use a method that guarantees death, like drowning or hanging. But I can't use a method with a lot of pain because it would be even harder for people close to me to know how painful my last minutes was.

At first I thought about N, but I don't think it's possible here in Europe (At least not in my country) A shipment from Mexico is NOT going through customs without inspection here.
And a powder from China seems impossible to gather.

So I think exit bag with inert gas (Argon or Nitrogen) is the way to go. I won't make any mistakes in the construction, I will make sure everything is done in the right way. But still I feel like there are things that can go wrong. For example I read about people who removed the bag in a semiconscious state.

I understand that the risks of becoming a vegetable is VERY LOW if you are careful with both construction and plan everything well, but that small risk of failure scares the hell out of me. Just the thought of not being able to communicate in any way but brain still works, and have constant panic attacks for decades.. Or like the guy who tried to hang himself, and his mother asked him if he still wants to die and he "blinked two times" for a yes. I live in an apartment, if I lived in a house with a garage I could make sure I don't survive (Exit bag in a large locked water tank, with a timer for a water pump that starts one hour after ctb) but this is not possible in a rent apartment.

I doesn't matter what method you have choosen, how do you cope with those thoughts? I'm a perfectionist which makes it even harder.

 

[Aliaiactaest]

It is hard to know if I am more fearful of failure or success.

 

[Funkbunny]

In my case
In my case, denial and the sincere hope the practice pays off.

 

[The Mute Viking]

Drugs, serious acceptance of t he end, the silencing of fear and the understanding this is the only way out.

Still SI is superior, hopefully not for much longer.

 

[TheDarkness]

I don't know if I'm afraid of either honestly though it depends heavily on context.
If I believe my success can help me develop of connection to someone then I would want that.

 

[namemanthedeadman]

Most of these responses hit the nail on the head for how I look at it too. Practicing your method plays a big role in getting comfortable, life is what makes me keep coming back to the practice and the more I come back the more I feel the "whatever happens, happens" mindset come along.

Drugs, serious acceptance of t he end, the silencing of fear and the understanding this is the only way out.

Also can't go wrong with drugs

 

[TAW122]

Research, desensitization, practice, and meditation/alcohol (plus drugs if you have access to them). I know my method really well, have the right tools, and it is just a matter of circumstance and time before I make my exit. I am (mostly) in control of where, when, and how I will make my exit.