Venting Scared of becoming nothing but a tragic suicide story

[dead lightbulb]

I've been thinking about this a lot these past few weeks. Although it's a trouble to overcome, it's easy to dissect my fear of dying. It's straightforward in a weird way. The physical. But what about my "soul"? The person I've grown into? I want to be remembered as the person I am now when I am alone, the person I've been my whole life. The person I know myself to be below the masking, the anxiety, tiredness, laziness, the obsessive thoughts, the suicidal thoughts. I want one person to know just a little bit of who I was before I go. I don't want to be another number. Another suicide sob story. I wish I could leave a time capsule but instead of things from this decade I leave things that capture me better than a photograph or my name ever could. Thing is there would be no one to leave it for. No friends or family. Have I really existed if I've never been perceived? If I've never been known. I just wanted to write a bit about myself before I cbt.

Highlighted disclaimer: I am in no way claiming I'm a spectacular character. But...
I'm pretty funny.
I think I'm good at painting.
When I do bake or cook my dishes satisfy my appetite and disappear pretty quickly.
I love to write, and have drafted many stories all throughout my life.
I like to believe I have good taste in music and clothing
I talk a lot. But only to myself. I could be an extrovert if given the opportunity.
I love swimming but haven't been able to in a long time. Being surrounded by water brings me so much comfort.
I used to keep a journal a few years ago but it got full.
My full drawing abilities come out when I'm drawing on classwork instead of doing it.
My favorite flavor is strawberry. I love strawberries so much that I dedicated a Pinterest board to them.
I appreciate photography as an art form so much.
I love thrifting even though I've only done so a few times in my life.
I used to have a "pet" turtle named Peppermint Patty.
My favorite tool in art is oil pastels. Second favorite is colored pencils.
My favorite animal is the elephant.
My favorite color changes every one-three years. Purple, Orange, Purple, Green. But realistically it changes every day.
My favorite type of weather is rainy cold and dark. I love looking up and seeing deep gray clouds in the sky.
I love flare jeans, that's the only type of pants I've worn outside these past few months.
I own a vintage leather jacket that I haven't worn outside yet because I'm too tired to put together nice outfits.
I have many stories of living in an apartment complex.
I love books and used to be a more avid reader. It's hard to choose but one of my favorite series of all time is The Raven Boys.
I used to have two vampire teeth that disappeared before I took notice.
One of my earliest memories in life is waking up after falling asleep watching Dora the explorer on the living room couch at midnight and one of my teeth falling out.
I don't have a favorite song because there are quatrillions I haven't listened to yet..
I've loved music made by these artists/bands: Big Thief, Adrianne Lenker, Her's, Good Morning, The Symposium, Cosmo Pyke, Crumb, Stereo Lab, Jessica Pratt, Coldplay, Clairo, Nujabes, Mazzy Star, that dog., Cavetown, In Love With a Ghost, The Sundays, Lily Chou-Chou, Alex G, Tally Hall, Steven Universe and Adventure Time (various artists), Childish Gambino, Berhana, Helvetia, No Vacation, Who Boy, Loving, Ruru, potsu, Good Celeste, Indigo de Souza, Sir Chloe, Current Joys, Joy Again, TV Girl, Michael Jackson, Frank Ocean, Steve Lacy, Kikuo, khai dreams, Snails House, Healy, Cuco, Forrest, Mitski, Queen, David Bowie. A lot more that have escaped me at the moment.
So much more to write and too little energy left in my fingers to type...

In the weeks after my death no one will mourn me. I'm always a detachable extension of someone else. Someone's daughter, sister, twin, peer, student. I wish I knew someone who would mourn for me.

I've been wavering between killing myself every night the past few days. Some nights I will think I have enough courage to finally do it but then I always wake up the next day. Tonight I hope I have enough courage. I hope this is my last post here. If it is I am so grateful for this community, I'm not sure where I would be mentally otherwise. I've been able to truly express myself about my suicidal thoughts which is hard to do anywhere else on the internet. Thank you, truly. If I don't post again good morning good evening and goodnight!

 

[sincerelysad]

you sound so wonderful. i bet we'd be friends if we knew each other irl.
im so sorry you've been hurting to the point of wanting to ctb. you didn't deserve to go through what you did, whatever it may be.
i wish you peace and eternal comfort in your decision. i'll be thinking of u all night tonight <33

 

[dead lightbulb]

you sound so wonderful. i bet we'd be friends if we knew each other irl.
im so sorry you've been hurting to the point of wanting to ctb. you didn't deserve to go through what you did, whatever it may be.
i wish you peace and eternal comfort in your decision. i'll be thinking of u all night tonight <33

Your words of kindness are very appreciated I hope you have a wonderful night and day when you wake up tomorrow

 

[jamie_]

i relate to your post so much. I am incredibly similar.

 

[FuneralCry]

If you do decide to leave so soon then I hope that you find the freedom that you are looking for. Best of luck.

 

[whiteflag]

Oof. The line "Have I really existed if I've never been perceived?" I felt that in my heart. I feel the same way about a lot in your sentiments. I think about if it would have been different if I had the means of connecting to people around me. You sound like a person I would love to be friends with. You also have amazing music taste, have to check out the ones I don't recognize. Thanks for telling me about yourself, I hope you find whatever you may look for.

 

[Dolphin55]

I feel this. Although in the past I'd often prefer to not be perceived at all, now the thought of death is haunting me I am sometimes struck by sadness that no one will remember the 'real me' once im gone. I never found anyone to share my heart with, my thoughts, my desires, my interests and fears. No one really knew me, the person beyond my anxiety and depression and other problems, and sadly I've as yet failed to complete the projects I most wanted leave behind.

Like you I enjoy creating stories a lot and have been working on developing a fantasy book series for several years. But my depression and anxiety has really kneecapped me in making it, and I've slowly become aware that I'm unlikely to ever make this project become a reality due to my depression and suicidal tendencies. It's so strange, but this is probably one of the things I've struggled hardest to accept, perhaps because the characters I've created, who all carry a piece of my heart, would have allowed a small part of me to continue beyond my death.

I'm not sad to die, but I am sad to kill this creative part of me, the part of me I think had the potential to add value in some small way to this world. And, just like you, I don't want my only legacy to be suicide. I'm quite happy to die, but I don't want to be another statistic, that no one remembers for anything other than committing suicide. I doubt anyone will understand why I did it, either. They'll probably either pity me or hate me.

Anyway, it may be hollow consolation, but I will remember your post and what you wrote here. Your words moved me and I'm deeply sorry there isn't anyone in real life who will mourn for you. You are worth so much more. I promise to mourn for you in what way I can.

Wishing you all the love in the world, I hope you find peace. Dammit, all of us here could really use some.