Venting Saturday.

[Kazilium]

I will go now to get my antidepressants and ranitidine. I have a couple of days off from work. I will start a regimen (gotta lurk more to find a good one). Already having metroclopramide. I will see if i can mix some sleeping pills with the SN too. I will start packing my shit while I'm home alone (easier for when my relatives come). Saturday night it is. I hope I won't chicken out. I wish i was stronger and waited more, maybe one day he would've come back. (Tl;dr the only person that kept me alive left, went crazy after because he keeps blaming myself for hurting me and can't live with it, quit job, Saturday flies to Netherlands. Will block me and stay away until "he gets better" which i unfortunately cannot wait for because I'm a sick fuck.)

Feel free to say anything but don't be sorry. It's finally over. Shitty jobs, debt, and everydamn thing.

Edit: quick and funny question..should i use a dress for the... event or should i use casual clothes?

 

[Kikoo Loool]

Keep on talking here, I hope you find peace.

 

[Kazilium]

Keep on talking here, I hope you find peace.

Thank you. <3

 

[Ashpac]

You can talk to me if you want before your time comes up. Its a very hard decision to make, the one you are choosing. I hope you do what ever is best for you and you find happiness.

 

[Redrock]

You are emotionally affected now... Can you do it with "cool head" on Saturday?

 

[Dead beat dad]

I will go now to get my antidepressants and ranitidine. I have a couple of days off from work. I will start a regimen (gotta lurk more to find a good one). Already having metroclopramide. I will see if i can mix some sleeping pills with the SN too. I will start packing my shit while I'm home alone (easier for when my relatives come). Saturday night it is. I hope I won't chicken out. I wish i was stronger and waited more, maybe one day he would've come back. (Tl;dr the only person that kept me alive left, went crazy after because he keeps blaming myself for hurting me and can't live with it, quit job, Saturday flies to Netherlands. Will block me and stay away until "he gets better" which i unfortunately cannot wait for because I'm a sick fuck.)

Feel free to say anything but don't be sorry. It's finally over. Shitty jobs, debt, and everydamn thing.

Edit: quick and funny question..should i use a dress for the... event or should i use casual clothes?

Hey sister, for how long you are feeling this way?
You have access to antidepressants, do you have access to psychiatrist?

 

[Kazilium]

You are emotionally affected now... Can you do it with "cool head" on Saturday?

I actually chilled. Been indeed crying and going cray cray for a month but... The thought of it being finally done chills me.

Hey sister, for how long you are feeling this way?
You have access to antidepressants, do you have access to psychiatrist?

Depressed and suicidal? 12 years. What kept me going was this guy mostly and the failed attempts. Wanted to make it nice and perfect when i try it again. Went today to a psychiatrist and just passed me a "mixed anxiety and depressive disorder". Thought i was bipolar all the time but we didn't talk much either.

 

[Apollo D. Ryker]

Going out in a dress sounds awesome.

 

[Kazilium]

Minor update: right now i own: bromazepam, 60 pieces of 1,5 mg each. Trazodone, 30 pcs of 150 mg each. Convulex (valproic acid), 60 pcs, 300 mg each. Got my antibiotics for my usual illnesses. Metroclopramide, 20 pcs. Ranitidine, 20 pcs. 250 gr of SN, unopened. Will use antibiotics till the day before (got a horrible cough...bronchitis).

Going out in a dress sounds awesome.

Ikr... Got a favourite old ass handmade dress... Can do some makeup too before. But there was also a very important shirt (yes you heard that well) that I would've liked to wear...

 

[Apollo D. Ryker]

Ikr... Got a favourite old ass handmade dress... Can do some makeup too before. But there was also a very important shirt (yes you heard that well) that I would've liked to wear...

Wear the shirt underneath. Like a superwoman reveal.

 

[Kazilium]

Wear the shirt underneath. Like a superwoman reveal.

I like the way you think. XD speaking of which. I'll have to wash all the bloodstained clothes from s h. And pack my shit for easy carrying. One cannot die until they do the laundry and the dishes!

 

[Apollo D. Ryker]

I like the way you think. XD speaking of which. I'll have to wash all the bloodstained clothes from s h. And pack my shit for easy carrying. One cannot die until they do the laundry and the dishes!

Can you post a photo of the dress and shirt?

 

[Kazilium]

Can you post a photo of the dress and shirt?

Took a pic of the details on the dress too. The shirt is..well... The shirt i used to sleep in when i was at his place. Then he gave it to me. It gave me such a nice feeling, those two small bears.

 

[Roberto]

How long do you expect to be alone? Are you afraid of your parents to 'catch you' the day after?
I would love to have a great meal the day I ctb. But it seems it is better with empty stomach it seems with amytriptiline cocktail.

 

[Kazilium]

How long do you expect to be alone? Are you afraid of your parents to 'catch you' the day after?
I would love to have a great meal the day I ctb. But it seems it is better with empty stomach it seems with amytriptiline cocktail.

No parents, just a roommate that leaves every weekend. He also kinda knows so...he knows when to leave.

 

[Apollo D. Ryker]

Took a pic of the details on the dress too. The shirt is..well... The shirt i used to sleep in when i was at his place. Then he gave it to me. It gave me such a nice feeling, those two small bears.

This seems like the perfect thing to wear. Good for you.

 

[Final_frontier]

I don't know how you're feeling Kazil but it's definitely not good but it could be that you're acting in the spur of the moment. Maybe you should try taking a break from everything including your job, which stresses you and postpone this for later just to see if your feelings improve. Because, death is irreversible and it will come to us all eventually even if we don't ctb.

 

[Kazilium]

I don't know how you're feeling Kazil but it's definitely not good but it could be that you're acting in the spur of the moment. Maybe you should try taking a break from everything including your job, which stresses you and postpone this for later just to see if your feelings improve. Because, death is irreversible and it will come to us all eventually even if we don't ctb.

Can't take a break from the job... Gotta pay rent and debt. There's no one that could pay me for sitting and resting a bit. But... What's left to lose? More debt!

 

[Roberto]

Can't take a break from the job... Gotta pay rent and debt. There's no one that could pay me for sitting and resting a bit. But... What's left to lose? More debt!

In Spain we have social assistant that helps you with a basic income temporarily. Do you have in your Romania? It would be strange not having it. If you speak frankly they should help you. What you have now is a kind of dissability. Psychologist & psichiatrist should help you prove it. It is probably your right to be helped.

 

[Lady black]

Wish yougood luck and if I was you, I would wear the dress then

 

[Kazilium]

In Spain we have social assistant that helps you with a basic income temporarily. Do you have in your Romania? It would be strange not having it. If you speak frankly they should help you. What you have now is a kind of dissability. Psychologist & psichiatrist should help you prove it.

We....do have something similar, however it's like 125 euros. My rent is 250 euros without bills and such. It sucks to live here.

 

[Roberto]

We....do have something similar, however it's like 125 euros. My rent is 250 euros without bills and such. It sucks to live here.

I understand. I'm really sorry the State isn't helping you. Have you talked to a psychiatrist? And tell him what are you going to do if they don't help you?
In my case they told me they can't do nothing with me. They know that I'm going to do it, sooner or later.

 

[Kazilium]

I understand. I'm really sorry the State isn't helping you. Have you talked to a psychiatrist? And tell him what are you going to do if they don't help you?
In my case they told me they can't do nothing with me. They know that I'm going to do it, sooner or later.

Can't risk being locked in an asylum again... The only thing i can do is maybe, but maybe (and that requires lots of.drugs) resist one more week. But... I don't want to wait anymore...

You can talk to me if you want before your time comes up. Its a very hard decision to make, the one you are choosing. I hope you do what ever is best for you and you find happiness.

It's funny that it somehow hurts me too. I hoped this whole thing would be different.

 

[AnnihilatedAnna]

I wish you the best of luck on Saturday, i hope youll find peace. if there is anything i can do before, let me know.

 

[Kazilium]

I wish you the best of luck on Saturday, i hope youll find peace. if there is anything i can do before, let me know.

Thank you. I hope I won't chicken out. That's all.

 

[Roberto]

Can't risk being locked in an asylum again... The only thing i can do is maybe, but maybe (and that requires lots of.drugs) resist one more week. But... I don't want to wait anymore...


It's funny that it somehow hurts me too. I hoped this whole thing would be different.

I understand you. But in my case I don't care to be in an Asylum. I like them, as far as I know it. I have been inside 2 or 3 times. I felt better in the asylum with my own people. The people I feel identified.
If there isn't more chances, I would end up doing it like you do.
I can't help you. Just send a big hug.

Thank you. I hope I won't chicken out. That's all.

It is normal to chicken out sometimes. I was once chicken out and didn't try ctb. Be comprehensive with yourself ;-)

 

[Memento Mori]

suicidal behaviour pushes loved ones away, i have the same prob...now i'm trying not to talk about anything

they need to create some time machine where you actually experience everything that happened and not just pass time, all this waiting in hell and agony sucks...but maybe it sucks because the beautiful summer that's coming will be as intense as the hell :) wish you a good outcome whatever u'll do

 

[Jc40]

Wishing you peace with whatever you do. I'll talk to you too.

 

[Kazilium]

Update: i failed.

Yesterday someone I'd say rather close to me came in my town for what I'd call emotional support. This morning i got an urgent call from my ex's mom asking me to come to their place since my guy went pretty insane. Had a whole family chit chat where i was somehow supported and being given the "yep u right" bs. I'll meet my guy around mid April and his dad (that's takin him to Netherlands) promised me he'll try to fix this.
So i decided to give it like a month more. After all, i packed most my shit and took my funeral money out. It's gonna be a very painful month. I'm ashamed of failing you guys.

 

[Redt2go]

I'm ashamed of failing you guys.

We don't want people to die :(