Running out of borrowed time. This is the end of the line.

[LastLoveLetter]

This is the end of the line.

I tried to overhaul my health. I lost almost 25kg and did everything I could to improve my situation and alleviate my chronic illnesses. I took a medicine that - after attempting dozens of treatments - was my last hope. It helped temporarily and then I gradually deteriorated again. Now I'm housebound once again, struggling to move. Even breathing hurts and is difficult. After health services' track record, I have no hope of any help being forthcoming. It doesn't matter what I do, they will find something convenient to blame my symptoms on that will absolve them of any responsibility to take action.

My mental health is a mess. My complex PTSD is only getting progressively worse. Talking treatments have not helped and private healthcare is unaffordable.

My body is falling apart, my mind is slipping away and my finances are an unsalvageable mess. It's over. I accept it and I can leave with the knowledge that I tried everything I reasonably could.

The nail in the coffin on top of it all was my SN being confiscated. I was distraught. But once I acquire a new supply or find an alternative method, I'm gone.

I wish I had more to say, but my brain is mush. I can't write the things I used to - my old writings are like looking at a different person, and even then I was still struggling and in poor health. My cognitive functions are shot. I can't leave the house. I have no family or friends. I'm done.

 

[chocolatebar]

So sorry for all that. It's even hurtful to see so much similarities to my condition. I was supposed to at least have lived different things and accomplished some things in my last months, but I just became even worse than before...

 

[thecolourgold]

I agree with chocolate bar. This is a very similar track that my life has been on. I wish you peace.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds really horrible what you've had to go through and it's such a hellish world where reliable suicide method options are being restricted from people who are suffering but anyway I hope that you eventually find the freedom you are searching for.

 

[Valky]

I am incredibly sorry for all of this. I really wish life wouldn't be so unfair :/ I wish you all the best

 

[LastLoveLetter]

Thank you all for the supportive comments, I appreciate it.

@chocolatebar and @thecolourgold - I'm so sorry you are having to endure similar struggles. I wouldn't wish this pain or deterioration on anyone. It's an awful place to be and I wish neither of you had to deal with that.

Now that I'm sitting at home day in, day out with laboured breathing and chest pains on top of everything else, I feel more ready to go than ever before. I'm weak and in pain - it's only further downhill from here. There's a sense of unshakeable finality now - I just need a method that I can use despite my physical limitations.

The last medication I tried (LDN) was my final resort. There's nothing to fall back on. Perhaps if I were wealthy, there would be alternatives worth exploring, but as it stands now, there's nothing left to try. And I'm too tired and weak to keep pushing for treatments, which so far are not improving my quality of life on a long-term basis.
LDN provided a brief taste of relief until it stopped working, and I can't deal with the false hope of another treatment temporarily making a difference only for everything to fall apart again. It's the one thing that helped, even briefly, and now there's nothing.

 

[CTB Dream]

Vry sry dtriort this cruel know how, this sry ppl no know no undrstnd many prblm lif no able slv this cruel.

Know tjis v awfl ptsd cptsd mental illne no posb imprv also cruel lif sstm money etc no able get this v sry.

human rly awfl no allw mthod this cruel illne no posbl imprv still keep sffr awfl species rly v sry this all hpn.

Vry sry unsrstnd old write diff prsn simil me injury damage no able do any this cruel life no able do any no mthod know how feel all trap force sffr, hugs
Hope peace

 

[LastLoveLetter]

Vry sry dtriort this cruel know how, this sry ppl no know no undrstnd many prblm lif no able slv this cruel.

Know tjis v awfl ptsd cptsd mental illne no posb imprv also cruel lif sstm money etc no able get this v sry.

human rly awfl no allw mthod this cruel illne no posbl imprv still keep sffr awfl species rly v sry this all hpn.

Vry sry unsrstnd old write diff prsn simil me injury damage no able do any this cruel life no able do any no mthod know how feel all trap force sffr, hugs
Hope peace

Thank you for always being so kind and supportive on my posts (and on other people's as well). I always appreciate your comments.

I'm sorry you suffer so much too, with your injury and the damage it has caused. I hope you can find peace too.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

I care very much about you and think about you often, I am so sorry the LDN stopped working. It is just so unfair how neglected chronic illnesses are and how no money or time seems to go into researching and treating them, or the options are so horridly expensive and out of reach. You are such a good, kind, and caring person and it is just heartbreaking to see you forced into this position.

 

[leavingsoon99]

My heart goes out to you. That IS something you can hold your head up about, though. You tried everything you could to salvage your life. Sometimes, this life just isn't worth fighting for anymore. I send love, and wish you the best in whatever you decide to do. I hope your transition is peaceful and I wish for you a beautiful, eternal dream.

 

[RainAndSadness]

I'm really sorry that things are going downhill for you. I feel the resignation in your messages and that's very relatable, as someone who gave up on any prospects to recover a long time ago. But I'm glad you gave recovery one more shot, at least you have exhausted all options now. Nobody can say that you didn't at least try to improve your life. What you said about not recognising earlier posts, that they look like someone else wrote them, I feel that too. When I read posts of mine that were written three years ago, I barely recognise myself in them. I used to be a lot more optimistic, being miseable for so many years definitely changed me. I wish you the best and I hope you'll find peace - one way or another.