clearing eyes
femboy hooters employee of the month
- Jul 23, 2019
- 44
i want to run away from home and live with my boyfriend. i'm 18, so i know that i can legally do anything i want. the only thing stopping me is that my dad and the rest of my family will probably never want to talk to me again. i wouldn't mind being cut off from them, at least that's what i tell myself. my dad has hurt me a lot, but he has also provided for me. physically, but not emotionally. he's the main reason why i doubt myself and hate myself, and i crave his approval almost instinctively.
my family expects me to go to college, but the closer my move-in day gets the more terrified i am. i don't even want to go, and i don't think it would be worth it. the only thing i excel at in the slightest is art, and everybody knows that's not a lucrative profession. of course, a degree is important. i'm just terrified. i'm insecure about the way i look, the way i dress, the way i talk. i don't know how to make friends. the only way i've made friends in high school is by cracking jokes and being randomly approached by people, but i don't think i'll have the same luck in college.
i'm a trans man living in the south, so i won't be able to act like myself at all. living in my hometown will also delay my transition, and i want to go on testosterone before i turn 20. basically, i feel suffocated here. if i stay here any longer, my life will pass me by. but if i leave, i don't know if i'll be able to afford to go to school if and when i do decide to go. i have a scholarship and my dad is helping to pay for it too. is college as important as people make it out to be?
what should i do? i know that in the long run i should do what is best for me, and i can't live my whole life catering to others even if those people are my family. it's not like i really know what's best for me, though. i realize how privileged i am to have my dad not immediately kick me out and have me fend for myself. the thing is, though, i want to be independent. i'm so used to only doing what i'm told, i'm terrified to act for myself. even in every day situations, i try to do things for myself but my dad takes over and tells me he will do it. of course, he then proceeds to complain about how helpless and immature i am.
basically, i don't think i will be able to heal in the environment that i was hurt in. even though i won't be living at home, i don't want to be anywhere near it. so many traumatic things have happened here. the house is always cluttered. i just feel depressed being here. i don't want to be here for 4 more years. what should i do? do i sound spoiled? should i just suck it up?
my family expects me to go to college, but the closer my move-in day gets the more terrified i am. i don't even want to go, and i don't think it would be worth it. the only thing i excel at in the slightest is art, and everybody knows that's not a lucrative profession. of course, a degree is important. i'm just terrified. i'm insecure about the way i look, the way i dress, the way i talk. i don't know how to make friends. the only way i've made friends in high school is by cracking jokes and being randomly approached by people, but i don't think i'll have the same luck in college.
i'm a trans man living in the south, so i won't be able to act like myself at all. living in my hometown will also delay my transition, and i want to go on testosterone before i turn 20. basically, i feel suffocated here. if i stay here any longer, my life will pass me by. but if i leave, i don't know if i'll be able to afford to go to school if and when i do decide to go. i have a scholarship and my dad is helping to pay for it too. is college as important as people make it out to be?
what should i do? i know that in the long run i should do what is best for me, and i can't live my whole life catering to others even if those people are my family. it's not like i really know what's best for me, though. i realize how privileged i am to have my dad not immediately kick me out and have me fend for myself. the thing is, though, i want to be independent. i'm so used to only doing what i'm told, i'm terrified to act for myself. even in every day situations, i try to do things for myself but my dad takes over and tells me he will do it. of course, he then proceeds to complain about how helpless and immature i am.
basically, i don't think i will be able to heal in the environment that i was hurt in. even though i won't be living at home, i don't want to be anywhere near it. so many traumatic things have happened here. the house is always cluttered. i just feel depressed being here. i don't want to be here for 4 more years. what should i do? do i sound spoiled? should i just suck it up?
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