symphony
surving hour-by-hour
- Mar 12, 2022
- 779
I'm constantly told (by peers and professionals) that I'm so strong and resilient. Even if I report intent to CTB eventually, surely I can't really mean that because I'm not dead yet despite (supposedly) being so intensely suicidal - just more evidence of my strength and desire to live deep down. Clearly I'm capable of surviving a single day, right? I do it all the time without fail. So I just have to keep doing that, and problem solved!
I've been struggling to come up with a good way to communicate why this doesn't work, and I think I've finally got it. So, here goes.
A reasonably-fit person can probably run a few miles, most days a week without problem, but he might struggle to run a single marathon. A trained endurance runner could handle a marathon, but ask him to run the same marathon every day and eventually he'll be faltering too. See, my suffering is like a marathon. The act of surviving takes constant effort, a constant fight against my every instinct screaming at me to stop running and rest. But there's no rest. And the next day, I get to do it all over again. And the day after, and the day after that, and so on. No one can go on like that indefinitely - not even the strongest, most determined endurance athlete. Sure, I may be able to wait some months before I CTB, but by no way does that mean I can wait decades until I meet a natural death. Just because someone can run 6 consecutive marathons doesn't mean they can run 720.
I'm thinking I might try to pull that one on my therapist next time she appeals to my "strength".
I've been struggling to come up with a good way to communicate why this doesn't work, and I think I've finally got it. So, here goes.
A reasonably-fit person can probably run a few miles, most days a week without problem, but he might struggle to run a single marathon. A trained endurance runner could handle a marathon, but ask him to run the same marathon every day and eventually he'll be faltering too. See, my suffering is like a marathon. The act of surviving takes constant effort, a constant fight against my every instinct screaming at me to stop running and rest. But there's no rest. And the next day, I get to do it all over again. And the day after, and the day after that, and so on. No one can go on like that indefinitely - not even the strongest, most determined endurance athlete. Sure, I may be able to wait some months before I CTB, but by no way does that mean I can wait decades until I meet a natural death. Just because someone can run 6 consecutive marathons doesn't mean they can run 720.
I'm thinking I might try to pull that one on my therapist next time she appeals to my "strength".