CatAstro.Fee
confused
- Jul 5, 2025
- 48
I have some things to bring, I'm unsure if I should do it for real or not. I'm already blind without glasses that I refuse to wear, so maybe thete is a point in leaving as I will still need glasses for the rest of my life.
I will bring few clothes, few food. I was not planning on leaving for long, but I feel like it's a bad idea to come back. It won't be as bad since I am an adult, but I'm still worried to get searched for. My family is overly protective and infantalizing, I can only imagine what they'll do. I'm considering doing it after the holidays.
I don't have a plan though. I don't have anywhere to go. I know some people that might be willing to let me stay but I know it's temporary. I don't really want to go to a shelter. I don't really want to do anything. I should work to leave for good, but I'll just be depressed in my own independent space. Of course I don't know this, because I was actually happier to be away without people breathing down my neck, but I was just under different pain being at college, dealing with social hierarchys. I don't want to rent from another authoritive figure. I don't want to work.
My paradise is doing so many talents and travelling, but my second paradise right now is just being left alone and just being able to breathe. I wouldn't be able to even fully relax if I was left alone without responsibilities, because I still daydream about memories and suffer from mostly my mind and body. But I don't know. I imagine being able to get up when I'd want and indulging in the local townspeople when I felt I could.
I don't feel as bad right now, but I know I will again and again. I've been through this forever, and before it even allowed me to finally try and cbt but I don't want to this time and it's scary when I don't have an escape. It's realistically the only good thing for me to do since I am so tired to do anything anymore, but I'm scared to die.
I used to have a safe person and I think I have some again but I don't want to ask for help. I already scare people away by venting too much and talking about 'drama' i have with people too much, I hate being a burden and being considered a problem.
I just don't want to owe anyone anything for once. I want to be treated like that skeleton found of the disabled caveman, the skeleton was estimated to be 40, when in reality they should have been dead. It meant that the others cared for them. Why can't I have that. Do I have to be so limited to be loved? I already am and I'm just babied and mistreated. I can't take it anymore. I keep daydreaming and I'm stuck in a younger mind than I actually am. I feel so pathetic and embarrassed to even show my face.
I have a job opportunity and I don't want to do anything for it, even though the money could help me, it's not even a good amount in this economy. I don't want to do anything.
I've been having extreme executive dysfunction because I just hate owing anything and planning and time. I'm sure theres people out there creating communities to combat this and support eachother but they haven't found me and I really really need to be found. I don't agree with having to save yourself. I don't agree with doing things you don't want to. I want someone to save me. I just want to feel completely safe with someone else, and I think I had that and I fucked it up because I just couldn't allow myself to trust someone who loved me so much.
I have some privileges that could help me get out of here and I just don't want to do them.
More trauma explanation:
My family has never had boundaries with me. As a result, I have been told to accept uncomfortable touching and told that I am responsible for standing up for myself for every thing that happens to me.
As a result, I am obsessive with people who show an ounce of kindness and unable to say no to people who deserve the worst for what they did to me.
It's all built up today and it's triggered me back to my actual personality. The one that wants to yell and hurt and run. I'm not sure if this is the actual me, it's all I've felt close to for the past years. Just buried in sorrow constantly and daydreaming, not masking how I actually feel as much. It's my survival mode mixed with natural state.
I got triggered because I was walking on eggshells today + being constantly surrounded by arguing and toxicity, trying to parent my parents. It's even worse because I'm lovebombed, but I remember everything they said sometimes, I remember I'm just conditionally loved and valued for what I can do, not because I just exist. I just remember there's no where to go if I actually need something, because they'll always want something back.
I'm constantly fighting to put the blame on myself for everything, because I'm told that I am at fault all the time. That I'm a disappointment. That I'm in the wrong for feeling, or for doing anything. In these moments, I will tell people small truths, or curse at them. A lot of the times I will never say how I truly feel, because I'm scared to be left or get told awful things, even though that's what happens most of the time anyway.
It sucks because I am a very leftist person, I really care about issues people face in the world or in my country. Lately, I've had less and less empathy. I still don't find these things right, but my spirit has dimmed.
Fighting for myself doesn't really exist anymore, fighting for other people doesn't exist either. I wasn't truly ready to do anything for my ex, and I'm not for anyone else. I just give a lot of things, I just mirror people and act. I don't know who I am because of people pleasing. I don't know who I am because I can never sit, I need to do things all the time, I'm stressed all the time, I'm available all the time. I don't know who I am because of years of conditioning in school and at home.
There are still monsters nearby and I'm considering leaving state and I have been since I was young, and I figure I should anyway since there's too many people here that just seem to have a problem with me. I just can't trust anybody, especially here.
I'm just constantly questioning if someone is being genuine. I'm just so tired of being here. I need everyone who has hurt me to die. I need them all to die. And it won't matter becaude the damage has already been done and I'm raped of who I am. I'm nothing because of everyone and I need them all to fucking suffer. They won't ever even be sorry. They won't ever change. I hate them all.
I miss myself so much. I miss him so much. I can't fully relax or indulge anymore. I don't know where I am.
I will bring few clothes, few food. I was not planning on leaving for long, but I feel like it's a bad idea to come back. It won't be as bad since I am an adult, but I'm still worried to get searched for. My family is overly protective and infantalizing, I can only imagine what they'll do. I'm considering doing it after the holidays.
I don't have a plan though. I don't have anywhere to go. I know some people that might be willing to let me stay but I know it's temporary. I don't really want to go to a shelter. I don't really want to do anything. I should work to leave for good, but I'll just be depressed in my own independent space. Of course I don't know this, because I was actually happier to be away without people breathing down my neck, but I was just under different pain being at college, dealing with social hierarchys. I don't want to rent from another authoritive figure. I don't want to work.
My paradise is doing so many talents and travelling, but my second paradise right now is just being left alone and just being able to breathe. I wouldn't be able to even fully relax if I was left alone without responsibilities, because I still daydream about memories and suffer from mostly my mind and body. But I don't know. I imagine being able to get up when I'd want and indulging in the local townspeople when I felt I could.
I don't feel as bad right now, but I know I will again and again. I've been through this forever, and before it even allowed me to finally try and cbt but I don't want to this time and it's scary when I don't have an escape. It's realistically the only good thing for me to do since I am so tired to do anything anymore, but I'm scared to die.
I used to have a safe person and I think I have some again but I don't want to ask for help. I already scare people away by venting too much and talking about 'drama' i have with people too much, I hate being a burden and being considered a problem.
I just don't want to owe anyone anything for once. I want to be treated like that skeleton found of the disabled caveman, the skeleton was estimated to be 40, when in reality they should have been dead. It meant that the others cared for them. Why can't I have that. Do I have to be so limited to be loved? I already am and I'm just babied and mistreated. I can't take it anymore. I keep daydreaming and I'm stuck in a younger mind than I actually am. I feel so pathetic and embarrassed to even show my face.
I have a job opportunity and I don't want to do anything for it, even though the money could help me, it's not even a good amount in this economy. I don't want to do anything.
I've been having extreme executive dysfunction because I just hate owing anything and planning and time. I'm sure theres people out there creating communities to combat this and support eachother but they haven't found me and I really really need to be found. I don't agree with having to save yourself. I don't agree with doing things you don't want to. I want someone to save me. I just want to feel completely safe with someone else, and I think I had that and I fucked it up because I just couldn't allow myself to trust someone who loved me so much.
I have some privileges that could help me get out of here and I just don't want to do them.
More trauma explanation:
My family has never had boundaries with me. As a result, I have been told to accept uncomfortable touching and told that I am responsible for standing up for myself for every thing that happens to me.
As a result, I am obsessive with people who show an ounce of kindness and unable to say no to people who deserve the worst for what they did to me.
It's all built up today and it's triggered me back to my actual personality. The one that wants to yell and hurt and run. I'm not sure if this is the actual me, it's all I've felt close to for the past years. Just buried in sorrow constantly and daydreaming, not masking how I actually feel as much. It's my survival mode mixed with natural state.
I got triggered because I was walking on eggshells today + being constantly surrounded by arguing and toxicity, trying to parent my parents. It's even worse because I'm lovebombed, but I remember everything they said sometimes, I remember I'm just conditionally loved and valued for what I can do, not because I just exist. I just remember there's no where to go if I actually need something, because they'll always want something back.
I'm constantly fighting to put the blame on myself for everything, because I'm told that I am at fault all the time. That I'm a disappointment. That I'm in the wrong for feeling, or for doing anything. In these moments, I will tell people small truths, or curse at them. A lot of the times I will never say how I truly feel, because I'm scared to be left or get told awful things, even though that's what happens most of the time anyway.
It sucks because I am a very leftist person, I really care about issues people face in the world or in my country. Lately, I've had less and less empathy. I still don't find these things right, but my spirit has dimmed.
Fighting for myself doesn't really exist anymore, fighting for other people doesn't exist either. I wasn't truly ready to do anything for my ex, and I'm not for anyone else. I just give a lot of things, I just mirror people and act. I don't know who I am because of people pleasing. I don't know who I am because I can never sit, I need to do things all the time, I'm stressed all the time, I'm available all the time. I don't know who I am because of years of conditioning in school and at home.
There are still monsters nearby and I'm considering leaving state and I have been since I was young, and I figure I should anyway since there's too many people here that just seem to have a problem with me. I just can't trust anybody, especially here.
I'm just constantly questioning if someone is being genuine. I'm just so tired of being here. I need everyone who has hurt me to die. I need them all to die. And it won't matter becaude the damage has already been done and I'm raped of who I am. I'm nothing because of everyone and I need them all to fucking suffer. They won't ever even be sorry. They won't ever change. I hate them all.
I miss myself so much. I miss him so much. I can't fully relax or indulge anymore. I don't know where I am.
