Venting Ruin every opportunity

[QuietLake]

Does anybody else do this? I will try to better my life in some way, to improve myself and my situation, only for it to result in humiliation and self-hatred. Happens practically every time. It kills me inside, at least a part of me.

This last time was the worst one ever. I had something going that I really cared about, really thought was going to help finally make me a functional, semi-normal person. I finally had a role in society, if only a very small one. It gave me somewhere to go, a place to interact with others, a place to be seen. It did make me feel sad and frustrated at times, but I honestly liked it in many ways.

Now I feel worse off than i did before. I feel like an even bigger social pariah. It's funny how people say "just do this. It'll be good for you!" It can be true, but what they and I don't take into account is that it isn't always good for you. I guess it's good for me in that now I know, but that knowledge is painful. I now know for sure that I am too emotionally weak to maintain even something small.

I can't stand being told that I need therapy. Sure maybe I do. However, I have seen therapists before. They would have told me to pursue the thing that I did. Besides, while I'm still relatively young, I'm not exactly some young up-and-comer. I'm already far behind. I don't have time for therapy and being taught breathing exercises never did a thing for me.

 

[wljourney]

What you are describing reminds me of the hope I would have when trying a new medication or treatment or activity that promised me to improve my illness/symptoms.

And then the despair and feeling of personal failure when it didn't work or I couldn't continue doing it because of my illness.

Getting over these constant and repeated let downs is very, very challenging. They accumulate over time and it just gets more difficult each time.

Therapists are not always helpful, they can't carry this burden for you, but a very few are actually really good at helping you steady yourself and moving forward.

I don't blame you for not thinking much of therapists. In the end, you are the one who has to struggle through these situations. But sometimes it's nice to have someone who listens and tells you that there is another option, another chance, who reminds you that not all is lost.

 

[QuietLake]

What you are describing reminds me of the hope I would have when trying a new medication or treatment or activity that promised me to improve my illness/symptoms.

And then the despair and feeling of personal failure when it didn't work or I couldn't continue doing it because of my illness.

Getting over these constant and repeated let downs is very, very challenging. They accumulate over time and it just gets more difficult each time.

Therapists are not always helpful, they can't carry this burden for you, but a very few are actually really good at helping you steady yourself and moving forward.

I don't blame you for not thinking much of therapists. In the end, you are the one who has to struggle through these situations. But sometimes it's nice to have someone who listens and tells you that there is another option, another chance, who reminds you that not all is lost.

Thank you for listening to me and writing a thoughtful response. I really appreciate how you don't talk about therapy like it's a punishment someone deserves for being inadequate, as strange as that may sound. I'm still cynical about it, but I will admit that therapy has helped me before in some ways. There is potential help in it. Thanks again.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Does anybody else do this? I will try to better my life in some way, to improve myself and my situation, only for it to result in humiliation and self-hatred. Happens practically every time. It kills me inside, at least a part of me.

This last time was the worst one ever. I had something going that I really cared about, really thought was going to help finally make me a functional, semi-normal person. I finally had a role in society, if only a very small one. It gave me somewhere to go, a place to interact with others, a place to be seen. It did make me feel sad and frustrated at times, but I honestly liked it in many ways.

Now I feel worse off than i did before. I feel like an even bigger social pariah. It's funny how people say "just do this. It'll be good for you!" It can be true, but what they and I don't take into account is that it isn't always good for you. I guess it's good for me in that now I know, but that knowledge is painful. I now know for sure that I am too emotionally weak to maintain even something small.

I can't stand being told that I need therapy. Sure maybe I do. However, I have seen therapists before. They would have told me to pursue the thing that I did. Besides, while I'm still relatively young, I'm not exactly some young up-and-comer. I'm already far behind. I don't have time for therapy and being taught breathing exercises never did a thing for me.

Can I ask- was it some kind of social role that you took on? If so, I think you're massively brave and I fully expect I would be feeling the same if I had done the same thing. I'm massively socially awkward, maybe bordering socially phobic. I get nervous in the most commonplace of social situations and I end up doing something embarrassing, then feeling terrible afterwards.

It's such a vicious cycle because while I think we all know that we are born social animals and to isolate ourselves just intensifies a lot of the negative worries and emotions- to actually face our social fears and screw up in front of people makes us just want to go and hide back under the rock.

I became (I would say) mal-adjusted at a young age and became obsessed with doing Art. I've tried to make a career out of it (not massively successfully). Trouble is- it's become SO important to me that I find it difficult to work alongside other people because I hate people seeing me mess up (which is kind of inevitable now and then). It really knocks my confidence and I quite often make further mistakes as a result of doubting myself. Also, any criticism- while constructive and useful (and important) seems like the end of the world! It's so limiting though... Doing anything creative, there is always the fear that someone won't like what you've done and a lot of the jobs out there do involve working with others.

Thing is- all we can do is keep going. Can you ask yourself if whatever you did was utterly unforgiveable? Or was it embarrassing- a blunder?

Something that friends used to say to me that helped was- when we trip or fall in the street- the first thing we do is look around to see who saw us. The likelihood is no one saw us because everyone else is concentrating on their own lives- trying not to trip over too.

I know what you mean about therapists. My Dad has always been openly critical about people who see them. Thing is- I really don't think it should be viewed as a weakness- I think it shows strength to recognise there are things we need to improve on to live a better life. My experiences haven't been that great either. I found it all a bit intrusive (I guess that's the point- Lol.) Maybe it's just a case of finding the right type though. I guess I've always wondered whether Cognitive Behavioural Therapy might help.

I really hope, given time you can feel less embarrassed about whatever it was that happened and that you do continue to try- Another thing that friends said that helped was that you need to find your 'tribe'- somewhere where you can be yourself and the people around you won't judge you- even when you screw up. I guess I like this forum for that reason- that the majority of people on here can relate to struggling/loneliness/embarrassment and my experiences so far have been that people are supportive of each other.

Trouble is- to find that group of people, I expect you have to try lots of different things and make lots of social faux pars along the way. I guess just try and be assured that most people are doing exactly the same- just don't beat yourself up/hate yourself over it so much... I wish you all the best.

 

[myopybyproxy]

me 100%

 

[QuietLake]

Can I ask- was it some kind of social role that you took on? If so, I think you're massively brave and I fully expect I would be feeling the same if I had done the same thing. I'm massively socially awkward, maybe bordering socially phobic. I get nervous in the most commonplace of social situations and I end up doing something embarrassing, then feeling terrible afterwards.

It's such a vicious cycle because while I think we all know that we are born social animals and to isolate ourselves just intensifies a lot of the negative worries and emotions- to actually face our social fears and screw up in front of people makes us just want to go and hide back under the rock.

I became (I would say) mal-adjusted at a young age and became obsessed with doing Art. I've tried to make a career out of it (not massively successfully). Trouble is- it's become SO important to me that I find it difficult to work alongside other people because I hate people seeing me mess up (which is kind of inevitable now and then). It really knocks my confidence and I quite often make further mistakes as a result of doubting myself. Also, any criticism- while constructive and useful (and important) seems like the end of the world! It's so limiting though... Doing anything creative, there is always the fear that someone won't like what you've done and a lot of the jobs out there do involve working with others.

Thing is- all we can do is keep going. Can you ask yourself if whatever you did was utterly unforgiveable? Or was it embarrassing- a blunder?

Something that friends used to say to me that helped was- when we trip or fall in the street- the first thing we do is look around to see who saw us. The likelihood is no one saw us because everyone else is concentrating on their own lives- trying not to trip over too.

I know what you mean about therapists. My Dad has always been openly critical about people who see them. Thing is- I really don't think it should be viewed as a weakness- I think it shows strength to recognise there are things we need to improve on to live a better life. My experiences haven't been that great either. I found it all a bit intrusive (I guess that's the point- Lol.) Maybe it's just a case of finding the right type though. I guess I've always wondered whether Cognitive Behavioural Therapy might help.

I really hope, given time you can feel less embarrassed about whatever it was that happened and that you do continue to try- Another thing that friends said that helped was that you need to find your 'tribe'- somewhere where you can be yourself and the people around you won't judge you- even when you screw up. I guess I like this forum for that reason- that the majority of people on here can relate to struggling/loneliness/embarrassment and my experiences so far have been that people are supportive of each other.

Trouble is- to find that group of people, I expect you have to try lots of different things and make lots of social faux pars along the way. I guess just try and be assured that most people are doing exactly the same- just don't beat yourself up/hate yourself over it so much... I wish you all the best.

Thank you for your message. It is very kind of you. You're spot-on about what a vicious cycle it can be to put yourself out there and fail. I can definitely relate to struggling with constructive criticism too. It can be really difficult to get in the right frame of mind to receive it, especially if it's a surprise. You're very brave and resilient to put yourself out there too.

I have terrible social anxiety myself, so it's really hard to gather the courage to do anything. What happened was mainly humiliating, but it's because I acted poorly. That is a bit of a first for me, since being "nice" is one of the few things I can offer socially. I was tired, frustrated, too scared to ask for what I needed. I wasn't told to leave, but I couldn't face going back.

Now I'm worried I'll never get another chance at this sort of thing again since I didn't even end things properly with them. I don't even trust myself anymore.

I agree with you about "finding your tribe". Just reading other posts here is what has kept me around during this time. I wish you all the best too.

 

[Al Cappella]

I can definitely relate, especially when I was younger. And for exactly the same reasons. I've always been—well social anxiety. Worse, I relive the dumb shit I've done over and over—years later, even. As I got older I lost energy for it, and keep mostly to myself.

You will get other chances, especially as I get the impression you're a kind, caring person from how you write. As for therapists, they'll say repeated exposure is the answer. Personally, that's never worked for me. So who knows. Maybe our tribe is made up of very few people that never actually meets…

 

[Forever Sleep]

Lol- 'A group of people that never actually meet'- so true- like a band of hermits.

Thank you for your message. It is very kind of you. You're spot-on about what a vicious cycle it can be to put yourself out there and fail. I can definitely relate to struggling with constructive criticism too. It can be really difficult to get in the right frame of mind to receive it, especially if it's a surprise. You're very brave and resilient to put yourself out there too.

I have terrible social anxiety myself, so it's really hard to gather the courage to do anything. What happened was mainly humiliating, but it's because I acted poorly. That is a bit of a first for me, since being "nice" is one of the few things I can offer socially. I was tired, frustrated, too scared to ask for what I needed. I wasn't told to leave, but I couldn't face going back.

Now I'm worried I'll never get another chance at this sort of thing again since I didn't even end things properly with them. I don't even trust myself anymore.

I agree with you about "finding your tribe". Just reading other posts here is what has kept me around during this time. I wish you all the best too.

We all make mistakes- especially when we are tired. Sometimes I think it doesn't hurt to show a bit of grit too- not excessively obviously but in my experience- if you're perceived of as too nice all the time, some people will just walk all over you.

I hope you are able to recover from this. I guess it almost needs to be replaced by good social interaction experiences- although- why is it we only remember and dwell on the bad stuff? You've done so well facing your fears and getting 'out there'. It's inevitable there would be some bumps in the road. I hope you can keep trying.

 

[AloneInCollege]

I know how you feel. It happens to me too. With personal relationships especially but also just with random life stuff. It really sucks. Sorry that you feel it too.