Funny to say it, especially when it's half of the days or more. I suffer from what is obviously some type of severe bipolar depression. Sometimes I can't tell if the happy times I feel is me fooling myself to make it through the day or genuine. Life is complicated and like many here I tend to focus more and more on whether I've reached that point of more pain than good in my life to help warrant leaving. I've been on this site since nearly its inception, but have never posted. A little about me, I am a union electrician previously non union working through a few years of electrical education to get a Journeyman's ticket(proof you're a well trained electrician). I am 29 and make a good wage in this field but it is hard work. I work 55+ hours a week regularly. I have two twin boys that I only see every other weekend who are of course just about the most precious things I have in my life, they are 6.
I, a grown man in construction, have been in tears 5 out of 7 days a week for the past 3 weeks. I went to my class today and took an open book quiz that a moron could take and I believe I failed it.... Didn't answer a few of the questions, and no joke, they were practically definitions from a book.I passed physics and statistics courses in college just 7 years ago. I am not only depressed, I have lost most of who I am to these thoughts that have controlled my life. I came home from class today, cocked my pistol, and stuck it in my mouth looking to train myself towards fighting off the survival instincts that come with suicide. I have just had it. I wish my kids were 18 and my parents were already passed so I could feel so much more at peace before I do but I have finally given up hope that I will be able to even do that.
Thank you for this site. I felt I needed to post finally as I consider it a bucket list item for some reason. Not much of a talker, but it feels good to do at least this. I am not much interested in posting on or up to the day of my death as it will most likely be a very abrupt choice. Regardless, I wish all of you the best you can get while you are here. Thank you for so very many of the stories that have helped guide me to feel more comfortable about this and not completely hate myself in the few moments before passing.
With love,
B.G.
I, a grown man in construction, have been in tears 5 out of 7 days a week for the past 3 weeks. I went to my class today and took an open book quiz that a moron could take and I believe I failed it.... Didn't answer a few of the questions, and no joke, they were practically definitions from a book.I passed physics and statistics courses in college just 7 years ago. I am not only depressed, I have lost most of who I am to these thoughts that have controlled my life. I came home from class today, cocked my pistol, and stuck it in my mouth looking to train myself towards fighting off the survival instincts that come with suicide. I have just had it. I wish my kids were 18 and my parents were already passed so I could feel so much more at peace before I do but I have finally given up hope that I will be able to even do that.
Thank you for this site. I felt I needed to post finally as I consider it a bucket list item for some reason. Not much of a talker, but it feels good to do at least this. I am not much interested in posting on or up to the day of my death as it will most likely be a very abrupt choice. Regardless, I wish all of you the best you can get while you are here. Thank you for so very many of the stories that have helped guide me to feel more comfortable about this and not completely hate myself in the few moments before passing.
With love,
B.G.
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