iloveyouihateyou
probably die before it hurts
- Oct 23, 2024
- 20
my current status: in a relationship, things have been incredibly rocky, thinking of leaving but partly still wanting to fix things
i feel like i'm at the end of my relationship with my partner, we've been arguing on and off for what feels like ages now, like i can't even remember the last peaceful time i had with them. they say they really like me despite everything and i feel like she's a great partner in general but i feel like she just doesn't really suit me, like we have trouble seeing eye to eye sometimes but i love our conversations. i'm thinking of just cutting her loose because i can't because admittedly i'm being a selfish bastard by keeping her around because i just don't want to be alone to be honest, but still i don't know. i still feel like i have a chance with her but recently with all our arguments and the state of the relationship being so low that i've been isolating myself extremely hard, from her and all my friends. because of this i decided one day to start reaching out to random people.
nothing physical or anything like that. i just hit up one of my old friends from 2019 and she responded right away with open arms towards me, i apologized for abandoning them so abruptly for all these years and we moved past it so quickly and started oversharing everything so much about ourselves.. it felt straight up euphoric to me, this girl that i've been thinking of trying to reconnect with for awhile is talking to me like no one has in so long... telling me how handsome i am, telling me they want to listen to my life (which i described briefly as a "sad book", they responded with the fact that "they love literarture"), we openly talked about our substance abuse issues, we were sending pictures of ourselves back and forth.. i'm exposing so much about it because it just felt so fucking good to be heard by somebody, for someone who feels similar to me, to be asking me all these things getting all of this information so naturally. i sound like such a fucking desperate loser which i definitely feel like i am. but it felt so good after being so down and feeling invisible. feeling so out of place and alone, the conversation i had with them lasted like 4-5 hours and it felt so good.
she mentions having a boyfriend which was pretty disappointing to me, i was wondering how she could say all this stuff about me despite being taken, and then i realize that i'm doing the exact same thing. honestly i didn't mind that she had a boyfriend, i would've been happy to just talk to them as we just did regularly. honestly the idea of that makes me so happy.. but yeah i fast forward to the next day and she hasn't gotten back to me. i'm sure they will at some point later, or even tomorrow, which is fine by me, cause everyone has their own lives to tend to afterall. but as i'm sat in my room, getting high by myself i realize the difference between being silent alone all day and actually getting a chance to talk and be heard.
that feeling of being heard by someone is so addicting, like it feels better than any drug i've done and it's hurting me so much to think of how i got infatuated so quickly because i felt so desperate for human interaction, i literally just threw out all my morals in this depraved haze just to feel some sort of affection from another human being. the fact that they live so far away, the fact that they have a boyfriend, the fact that we haven't spoke in years and my first interaction with them feels like fireworks blowing off on a holiday.. i just feel like i've stooped so low and now that they're not answering me i'm off to dming old faces in hopes that someone will resonate with me so i can hit things off and feel what i just did again.
i feel bad for my girlfriend, i really am a fucking bastard for doing what feels like pseudo-cheating. i feel like the right move is to break up with her for her own good cause she honestly deserves so much better than to waste more time with me. i've been speaking to some friends about this and i keep describing my feeling right now as a "desperate animal doing anything to survive"... i feel like such a degenerate clinging onto these short lived thrills like drugs and overexposing myself to new people but i really can't stop i don't know.. these things just make living bearable for me. a quiet part of me feels like i'm doing something right and even though i know what i'm doing is wrong, i just do what feels good and roll with it.
even after all the highs the last things on my mind are why am i so fucked up, why do i care so little, and why am i so lonely. honestly i feel like i answer my own questions in my vents/journal entries but i always turn a blind eye and just claim i'm living life. i'm just trying to survive and i feel like such a spoiled desperate loser for what i've been doing
if you read all of this, thank you for your time i hope you're doing well. i appreciate anyone's thought or advice they might want to share on this.. i just want to be happy man
i feel like i'm at the end of my relationship with my partner, we've been arguing on and off for what feels like ages now, like i can't even remember the last peaceful time i had with them. they say they really like me despite everything and i feel like she's a great partner in general but i feel like she just doesn't really suit me, like we have trouble seeing eye to eye sometimes but i love our conversations. i'm thinking of just cutting her loose because i can't because admittedly i'm being a selfish bastard by keeping her around because i just don't want to be alone to be honest, but still i don't know. i still feel like i have a chance with her but recently with all our arguments and the state of the relationship being so low that i've been isolating myself extremely hard, from her and all my friends. because of this i decided one day to start reaching out to random people.
nothing physical or anything like that. i just hit up one of my old friends from 2019 and she responded right away with open arms towards me, i apologized for abandoning them so abruptly for all these years and we moved past it so quickly and started oversharing everything so much about ourselves.. it felt straight up euphoric to me, this girl that i've been thinking of trying to reconnect with for awhile is talking to me like no one has in so long... telling me how handsome i am, telling me they want to listen to my life (which i described briefly as a "sad book", they responded with the fact that "they love literarture"), we openly talked about our substance abuse issues, we were sending pictures of ourselves back and forth.. i'm exposing so much about it because it just felt so fucking good to be heard by somebody, for someone who feels similar to me, to be asking me all these things getting all of this information so naturally. i sound like such a fucking desperate loser which i definitely feel like i am. but it felt so good after being so down and feeling invisible. feeling so out of place and alone, the conversation i had with them lasted like 4-5 hours and it felt so good.
she mentions having a boyfriend which was pretty disappointing to me, i was wondering how she could say all this stuff about me despite being taken, and then i realize that i'm doing the exact same thing. honestly i didn't mind that she had a boyfriend, i would've been happy to just talk to them as we just did regularly. honestly the idea of that makes me so happy.. but yeah i fast forward to the next day and she hasn't gotten back to me. i'm sure they will at some point later, or even tomorrow, which is fine by me, cause everyone has their own lives to tend to afterall. but as i'm sat in my room, getting high by myself i realize the difference between being silent alone all day and actually getting a chance to talk and be heard.
that feeling of being heard by someone is so addicting, like it feels better than any drug i've done and it's hurting me so much to think of how i got infatuated so quickly because i felt so desperate for human interaction, i literally just threw out all my morals in this depraved haze just to feel some sort of affection from another human being. the fact that they live so far away, the fact that they have a boyfriend, the fact that we haven't spoke in years and my first interaction with them feels like fireworks blowing off on a holiday.. i just feel like i've stooped so low and now that they're not answering me i'm off to dming old faces in hopes that someone will resonate with me so i can hit things off and feel what i just did again.
i feel bad for my girlfriend, i really am a fucking bastard for doing what feels like pseudo-cheating. i feel like the right move is to break up with her for her own good cause she honestly deserves so much better than to waste more time with me. i've been speaking to some friends about this and i keep describing my feeling right now as a "desperate animal doing anything to survive"... i feel like such a degenerate clinging onto these short lived thrills like drugs and overexposing myself to new people but i really can't stop i don't know.. these things just make living bearable for me. a quiet part of me feels like i'm doing something right and even though i know what i'm doing is wrong, i just do what feels good and roll with it.
even after all the highs the last things on my mind are why am i so fucked up, why do i care so little, and why am i so lonely. honestly i feel like i answer my own questions in my vents/journal entries but i always turn a blind eye and just claim i'm living life. i'm just trying to survive and i feel like such a spoiled desperate loser for what i've been doing
if you read all of this, thank you for your time i hope you're doing well. i appreciate anyone's thought or advice they might want to share on this.. i just want to be happy man
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