StarFaded
Member
- Aug 24, 2022
- 80
So I wrote this post about my situation back in April, four months ago now, and nothing has changed. I feel worse than ever, I wish I have a gun or SN (which I regret so much not buying when I had the chance to) right now so that I can end it all.
I wailed and cried after an argument with my partner last night and he believes it's because I'm upset we didn't get to play video games together since he was having a headache and wanted to go bed early.
He called me a child, a brat, that I was throwing a tantrum, embarrassing him in front of the neighbours living next door, that it was unacceptable behaviour of me to try to disturb his sleep by suggesting we break up.
When I was wailing and crying, I was crying about not having a gun or SN or an immediate way to stop the pain of him telling me to shut up, fuck off, and all the other nasty shit he said to me, and my grieving the loss of my relationship, the respect he had for me before, and the man I fell in love with in the beginning. I was also grieving for myself, how much of my "self" I've lost to ADHD, my mental health, my personal weakness and inadequacies, all the lost potential of what I could have done and achieved but did not. I've indeed become a useless piece of shit, like my partner said I am.
He keeps saying that I don't take responsibility for my own actions or change the error of my ways. I'm not perfect and I've indeed wasted away to become completely useless, good for nothing. I don't help him with chores as much as I should, he takes care of me financially and I'm being an ungrateful brat.
He lost respect for me as a person a long time ago and in response, I've lost respect for him and for myself. I don't trust him to be vulnerable around him, to tell him my inner most thoughts, and I get scared when he yells or implies anything that would hurt me. I would roll my eyes at him sometimes or get extremely frustrated by what he says, or I just check out completely mentally when he rants at me. The relationship is unsalvageable at this point.
I'm incapable of taking care of myself and will be homeless if we breakup. I literally don't care about being homeless when I just want to stop living a painful life. My brain and mental health are fucked, I'm dysfunctional, I'm so over everything in life and I really just finally want some peace.
I cry when I think about the wedding dress that we bought together that has been sitting at the bottom of my wardrobe for the last 3 years. I even bought accessories and shoes for it. Now I just want to throw it all away.
I have nothing to live for, but I don't have SN or anything that can help me leave this earth painlessly and quickly. Maybe I just have to swallow the bitter pill and jump off a cliff or drown myself and accept it as my last painful life experience before my forever peace.
I wailed and cried after an argument with my partner last night and he believes it's because I'm upset we didn't get to play video games together since he was having a headache and wanted to go bed early.
He called me a child, a brat, that I was throwing a tantrum, embarrassing him in front of the neighbours living next door, that it was unacceptable behaviour of me to try to disturb his sleep by suggesting we break up.
When I was wailing and crying, I was crying about not having a gun or SN or an immediate way to stop the pain of him telling me to shut up, fuck off, and all the other nasty shit he said to me, and my grieving the loss of my relationship, the respect he had for me before, and the man I fell in love with in the beginning. I was also grieving for myself, how much of my "self" I've lost to ADHD, my mental health, my personal weakness and inadequacies, all the lost potential of what I could have done and achieved but did not. I've indeed become a useless piece of shit, like my partner said I am.
He keeps saying that I don't take responsibility for my own actions or change the error of my ways. I'm not perfect and I've indeed wasted away to become completely useless, good for nothing. I don't help him with chores as much as I should, he takes care of me financially and I'm being an ungrateful brat.
He lost respect for me as a person a long time ago and in response, I've lost respect for him and for myself. I don't trust him to be vulnerable around him, to tell him my inner most thoughts, and I get scared when he yells or implies anything that would hurt me. I would roll my eyes at him sometimes or get extremely frustrated by what he says, or I just check out completely mentally when he rants at me. The relationship is unsalvageable at this point.
I'm incapable of taking care of myself and will be homeless if we breakup. I literally don't care about being homeless when I just want to stop living a painful life. My brain and mental health are fucked, I'm dysfunctional, I'm so over everything in life and I really just finally want some peace.
I cry when I think about the wedding dress that we bought together that has been sitting at the bottom of my wardrobe for the last 3 years. I even bought accessories and shoes for it. Now I just want to throw it all away.
I have nothing to live for, but I don't have SN or anything that can help me leave this earth painlessly and quickly. Maybe I just have to swallow the bitter pill and jump off a cliff or drown myself and accept it as my last painful life experience before my forever peace.
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