Well, I used to believe in revenge but honestly it's tasteless to me now.
I was seriously bullied for all of my school years, I had a terrible life at home because my father was facing the repercussions of saving people after 9/11, cancer and all that, so he was getting treatments and always out all day, came back as I was sleeping. My mom was no good either, she was abused (as well as my dad) at home so she grew a strong spirit, but she constantly took her anger out on me and my siblings, and most of all, me. Not really physically, just verbally, and I guess that's why I am now. Anyway, revenge.
I felt so angry at all those people who wronged me and I was going down a terrible path of hatred and radicalizing these weird obsessions of 'getting back' at people. I felt so scared of myself but it was also freeing. But now I realize how wrong I really was.
Fucked up, I was taken out of class in the middle of the day, and a few FBI guys were combing through my books and bag, took my laptop too, and they were printing out my journal in front of the whole main office. It was so embarrassing because I wrote lies in that book that really hurt my reputation, and my brother, mom, and the whole office saw it. I was "interrogated" for some time, I broke instantly but for the first time I got help, but at such a cost. The guy to my left, at the table said, "Do you want help?" and I was crying and I told him yes. Fortunately I got my help, I was taken to a mental hospital voluntarily (since I was of age to decide my mental health at the time) and I came back.
A new person.. I guess. My dad didn't trust me with our guns anymore, we don't go out but they're still around here. He never said it to me but, we don't take them out anymore which is fine by me. But I guess it comes at a cost, revenge. It will almost always be your pride or your life. And I chose my pride.
I definitely love people a lot more, collectively, but I hate myself.
This summer I'm going to get a job, hopefully save up for a decent shotgun and clear my thoughts, literally. It will be some time but I hope one summer, if not more, is enough to change my mind. I just don't know what I want to be, what I want to do, I don't see anything ahead of me anymore.
I was seriously bullied for all of my school years, I had a terrible life at home because my father was facing the repercussions of saving people after 9/11, cancer and all that, so he was getting treatments and always out all day, came back as I was sleeping. My mom was no good either, she was abused (as well as my dad) at home so she grew a strong spirit, but she constantly took her anger out on me and my siblings, and most of all, me. Not really physically, just verbally, and I guess that's why I am now. Anyway, revenge.
I felt so angry at all those people who wronged me and I was going down a terrible path of hatred and radicalizing these weird obsessions of 'getting back' at people. I felt so scared of myself but it was also freeing. But now I realize how wrong I really was.
Fucked up, I was taken out of class in the middle of the day, and a few FBI guys were combing through my books and bag, took my laptop too, and they were printing out my journal in front of the whole main office. It was so embarrassing because I wrote lies in that book that really hurt my reputation, and my brother, mom, and the whole office saw it. I was "interrogated" for some time, I broke instantly but for the first time I got help, but at such a cost. The guy to my left, at the table said, "Do you want help?" and I was crying and I told him yes. Fortunately I got my help, I was taken to a mental hospital voluntarily (since I was of age to decide my mental health at the time) and I came back.
A new person.. I guess. My dad didn't trust me with our guns anymore, we don't go out but they're still around here. He never said it to me but, we don't take them out anymore which is fine by me. But I guess it comes at a cost, revenge. It will almost always be your pride or your life. And I chose my pride.
I definitely love people a lot more, collectively, but I hate myself.
This summer I'm going to get a job, hopefully save up for a decent shotgun and clear my thoughts, literally. It will be some time but I hope one summer, if not more, is enough to change my mind. I just don't know what I want to be, what I want to do, I don't see anything ahead of me anymore.
