Venting returning for my second year of university

[jellie]

I am coming back to my university this year as a sophomore.

I have no friends at university. I made friends with people last year but they never reached out to me and stopped hanging out with me altogether when I was having a depressive episode in the spring semester. Coming back this semester there are freshmen who seem to have more friends than I do. I see them walking together down the sidewalk, talking and joking, while I haven't managed to make a single real friend in the past year.

I am fwb with my ex who dumped me twice. I am still in love with him. Over the summer we went on what he called dates. I was so excited that he might want to be exclusive with me again but I was stupid. He just moved in today, called me to hang out and have sex with me, and then essentially kicked me out of his dorm so he could get ready to go to a frat party where he joked that he would be talking to other girls. I feel so fucking stupid for ever thinking that he would want to be with me. I feel like he is only using me for sex, but I am so in love with him that I don't have it in me to stop hanging out with him. My heart constantly aches to be with him but I am not sure being with him even feels good anymore. I am constantly questioning myself and questioning why I am not enough for him. The last time he broke up with me he said that I was someone he could see himself marrying and I haven't been able to get that out of my head.

My classes haven't even started yet and I am just so tired and ready for it to be over, I can't handle this feeling of complete isolation. I am planning on relapsing back into sh through cvtting but I need to make sure my roommate doesn't see it and report me or something. Unfortunately, since I am 19 I am not old enough to buy weed or alcohol to get myself through this and since I don't have any fucking friends I don't know anyone who would be willing to buy for me.

I think that if I go through this school year and am unable to make any friends I might ctb. It is something i have attempted in the past. for a long time the thought of ctb was at the back of my mind but it has been brought to the forefront because of this shitty situation.

I am sure I will be posting here more regularly so I look forward to seeing what you all might have to say.

this is already awful.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

It's understandable to feel despondent and terrible when you're completely isolated and are surrounded by people who aren't. That's maddening. And it's so difficult to do coursework and study when you are feeling terrible.

How did you meet the friends you made last year?

Do you feel you could grow closer with your roommate? You definitely want to be careful about worsening your living situation by cutting.

Your ex sounds like a manipulative douchebag. It sounds like you know that but it is understandable if you still have feelings, especially with how isolated you are. His treatment of you is not a question of you not being enough.

 

[Harrow]

I've been in this exact situation. My first two years of college were the worst of my life. I had no one, every time I tried to connect with people they'd blow me off. I had no friends, my depression was so bad even my family wouldn't want to talk to me and they wouldn't answer my calls. I'd go weeks without talking to anyone, I was close to CTB many times but I had a roommate who never left so she "saved" me in a way. She would never talk to me either though lol, I tried.
All this to say, college sucks. Compounded by the fact that everyone around you seems to be making lifelong friendships and having the time of their life. It is so isolating. I just want to let you know that even though you feel like the only one in this situation, you're definitely not.

Plus your ex is a prick. It sounds like he's taking advantage of how lonely you are and you definitely deserve someone better.

 

[jellie]

It's understandable to feel despondent and terrible when you're completely isolated and are surrounded by people who aren't. That's maddening. And it's so difficult to do coursework and study when you are feeling terrible.

How did you meet the friends you made last year?

Do you feel you could grow closer with your roommate? You definitely want to be careful about worsening your living situation by cutting.

Your ex sounds like a manipulative douchebag. It sounds like you know that but it is understandable if you still have feelings, especially with how isolated you are. His treatment of you is not a question of you not being enough.

last year i made friends through orientation which is part of why i feel so pessimistic about meeting people this year. I am planning on joining clubs during the club fair later this fall but it is always so nerve-wracking to talk to new people and actively make plans with them.

i have a randomly assigned roommate this year and she seems nice so far so that is good, hopefully we will get along well despite the small room lol

and yes my ex is a great person (imo) but he is undoubtedly stringing me along. I don't think he is dumb enough to not know that i still love him so that makes his treatment of me feel that much worse.

i appreciate your reply btw :)

I've been in this exact situation. My first two years of college were the worst of my life. I had no one, every time I tried to connect with people they'd blow me off. I had no friends, my depression was so bad even my family wouldn't want to talk to me and they wouldn't answer my calls. I'd go weeks without talking to anyone, I was close to CTB many times but I had a roommate who never left so she "saved" me in a way. She would never talk to me either though lol, I tried.
All this to say, college sucks. Compounded by the fact that everyone around you seems to be making lifelong friendships and having the time of their life. It is so isolating. I just want to let you know that even though you feel like the only one in this situation, you're definitely not.

Plus your ex is a prick. It sounds like he's taking advantage of how lonely you are and you definitely deserve someone better.

ugh somehow it feels good to know someone else has dealt with this shit despite the fact that i wouldn't wish it on anyone. the isolation is truly awful and i totally agree about how it feels like everyone else is making lifelong friends while i am being left behind to rot.

and yes my ex is a prick for taking advantage of my loneliness. doesn't stop me from being hopelessly in love with him while it is clearly unrequited hahaha

i am trying to hold onto my fantasy of what my life will look like when i am out of college in order to avoid the intense feelings to ctb

 

[Harrow]

I think we've all suffered the unrequited love thing lol, I can only hope you find better.
I'm in my final year, and it's definitely not the best but I'm in a better spot than before. If you ever need someone to vent to who's been there feel free to msg me.
Best of luck regardless <3

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Unfortunately the only way to meet new people is to get out there and engage and interact with them. Hiding away in your room may be safe and comfortable but you are not going to be satisfied in there. You're only a sophomore so there are undoubtedly a lot of people still trying to find their way and if there aren't I'm sure you have unique and positive qualities.

 

[Odahviing475]

Entering sophomore year right now too, and oh my god this is the way I feel. I only had a day of class so far and the exhaustion from everything came pouring in.