I think such a thread can sound disgusting for many people. Though I think daily misery and suffering changes a person. Often probably not for the better.
Today was a horrible day. Some shit in college triggered me very much. I got extremely angry and frustrated. At home I shouted loud because it hurt so much. I just cannot cope anymore with all the insane pressure I am doing to myself. It kills me inside me in slow motion. It is extremely hard to cope with. I take so much medication to sedate me. I force my brain to sleep. But I have the feeling it is not working. I am so fucking anxious about a relapse due to the past extreme pain that accompanied it. I cannot stomach it anymore. Though with my medication I try to cope with. I feel deeply horrible inside myself.
There was another thing which annoyed me. Here comes the resentfulness. Recently a person with a high position at college was pretty arrogant and smug towards myself. It was gross. It reminded me how my bullies treated me. It reminded me that the most horrible people often (?) tend to become sucessful. I felt like the person looked down at me. Maybe it is exaggerated but I was in a horrible situation in that moment. I know from that person he worries a lot about climate change. I think the following thoughts might be kind of childish and naive. But I thought well if I kill myself I will be free of this shit but people like you still have to deal with the climate catastrophe. I think it is not a completely rational thought. This is not really how climate change works. The person is pretty privileged. But the worst damage that climate change will cause will be upon weak and vulnerable people. Though if things get really bad almost all people will have a way worse life quality.
So many people bullied and abused me in my life. So many people looked away when I was abused. Noone intervened. I am not bloodthirsty for revenge. I don't want to start vigilante justice. Though I think there is an inner desire for justice in many people. Maybe through metaphysical laws. However I don't believe in karma. So other more profane things would have to happen.
Personally I don't worry much about the climate catastrophe or nuclear annihilation. The development impacts the whole humankind. Though different humans with a different amplitude. So climate change might make the injustice even worse. This is why my childish thought the climate catastrophe might ruin the lives of the people that ruined my life is rather naive. I try not to move the humankind in the direction of annihilation. But I would not feel much sadness about it. I just experienced way too much horrible things that people have done to me.
There are of course people I like and they worry about such developments. I would feel bad for them. Though if things become messy many people would get punished who deserved it. And I could not change it anyway. That is a pretty nasty and resentful thought. There is just a lot of pain inside myself and I have to guide it somewhere. A huge part goes to myself. Another one to my family. And another to all the people who bullied me. And there were a lot of them. I would not cry a tear if their lives were destroyed.
I think such an attitude is pretty bad and it is probably morally not good. Though as many other people when I face despair I turn deeply nihilistic.
Anger might me be a valve. At least when I write these lines. But it won't solve any issue of mine. It is just a thought to deal with the extreme feeling of tension and pressure inside my mind. Took a benzo 10 minutes ago I hope it relieves these tormenting emotions.
I had a meeting with someone from my support network today. And we both came to the conclusion I sound manic. Maybe I need to kill myself soon. I cannot cope with another psychosis. I try that the medication makes me numb. It is not really working. The anxiety about a relapse goes through the roof. I try to postpone my suicide as long as possible. I think to completely avoid it is close to impossible.
There is the solpsistic notion that the world ends when one's life ends. It is pretty narcissistic and ugly. But my thoughts in this thread resemble this childish perspective. In the past people clung to religion and the afterlife for justice. Me instead clings to climate change and nuclear annihilation. My thoughts are at least more realistic though they would bring a lot of injustice with them.
Today was a horrible day. Some shit in college triggered me very much. I got extremely angry and frustrated. At home I shouted loud because it hurt so much. I just cannot cope anymore with all the insane pressure I am doing to myself. It kills me inside me in slow motion. It is extremely hard to cope with. I take so much medication to sedate me. I force my brain to sleep. But I have the feeling it is not working. I am so fucking anxious about a relapse due to the past extreme pain that accompanied it. I cannot stomach it anymore. Though with my medication I try to cope with. I feel deeply horrible inside myself.
There was another thing which annoyed me. Here comes the resentfulness. Recently a person with a high position at college was pretty arrogant and smug towards myself. It was gross. It reminded me how my bullies treated me. It reminded me that the most horrible people often (?) tend to become sucessful. I felt like the person looked down at me. Maybe it is exaggerated but I was in a horrible situation in that moment. I know from that person he worries a lot about climate change. I think the following thoughts might be kind of childish and naive. But I thought well if I kill myself I will be free of this shit but people like you still have to deal with the climate catastrophe. I think it is not a completely rational thought. This is not really how climate change works. The person is pretty privileged. But the worst damage that climate change will cause will be upon weak and vulnerable people. Though if things get really bad almost all people will have a way worse life quality.
So many people bullied and abused me in my life. So many people looked away when I was abused. Noone intervened. I am not bloodthirsty for revenge. I don't want to start vigilante justice. Though I think there is an inner desire for justice in many people. Maybe through metaphysical laws. However I don't believe in karma. So other more profane things would have to happen.
Personally I don't worry much about the climate catastrophe or nuclear annihilation. The development impacts the whole humankind. Though different humans with a different amplitude. So climate change might make the injustice even worse. This is why my childish thought the climate catastrophe might ruin the lives of the people that ruined my life is rather naive. I try not to move the humankind in the direction of annihilation. But I would not feel much sadness about it. I just experienced way too much horrible things that people have done to me.
There are of course people I like and they worry about such developments. I would feel bad for them. Though if things become messy many people would get punished who deserved it. And I could not change it anyway. That is a pretty nasty and resentful thought. There is just a lot of pain inside myself and I have to guide it somewhere. A huge part goes to myself. Another one to my family. And another to all the people who bullied me. And there were a lot of them. I would not cry a tear if their lives were destroyed.
I think such an attitude is pretty bad and it is probably morally not good. Though as many other people when I face despair I turn deeply nihilistic.
Anger might me be a valve. At least when I write these lines. But it won't solve any issue of mine. It is just a thought to deal with the extreme feeling of tension and pressure inside my mind. Took a benzo 10 minutes ago I hope it relieves these tormenting emotions.
I had a meeting with someone from my support network today. And we both came to the conclusion I sound manic. Maybe I need to kill myself soon. I cannot cope with another psychosis. I try that the medication makes me numb. It is not really working. The anxiety about a relapse goes through the roof. I try to postpone my suicide as long as possible. I think to completely avoid it is close to impossible.
There is the solpsistic notion that the world ends when one's life ends. It is pretty narcissistic and ugly. But my thoughts in this thread resemble this childish perspective. In the past people clung to religion and the afterlife for justice. Me instead clings to climate change and nuclear annihilation. My thoughts are at least more realistic though they would bring a lot of injustice with them.
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