Venting Repetitious painful spiral

[FinalFrontier]

33, I've been in this psychological state for 18 years now watching my mental decline from depression, anxiety, S/H ideations, paranoia, continuing to get progressively worse due to being an introvert my entire life. I can't continue to function anymore or hold a job for more than 2 or 3 months before quitting, after working for 12 years at one shop. Thousands in debt, car is totaled, pushed away only friend and family, whom I am a burden to, for when I eventually CTB. I've tried therapy, over the phone and virtual sessions but they do nothing for me. Talked to Suicide hotline and chat groups, doesn't help, just the same scripted responses. I have spiraled as deep as I can and I am stuck for good this time.

The problem is is that it's pointless to even try to fix. Words don't and can't fix any of this, this post won't help, and I'm not sure what can but I know I am quickly losing touch with whatever reality I have left and I would rather CTB than go to a psych ward. I'm to tired to continue attempting repair if I am just treading water anyways.

Thankfully I have a quick and efficient way out.
But I will at least wander towards the dark clouds first and see what happens.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Hello @FinalFrontier,

33, I've been in this psychological state for 18 years now watching my mental decline from depression, anxiety, S/H ideations, paranoia, continuing to get progressively worse due to being an introvert my entire life. I can't continue to function anymore or hold a job for more than 2 or 3 months before quitting, after working for 12 years at one shop. Thousands in debt, car is totaled, pushed away only friend and family, whom I am a burden to, for when I eventually CTB. I've tried therapy, over the phone and virtual sessions but they do nothing for me. Talked to Suicide hotline and chat groups, doesn't help, just the same scripted responses. I have spiraled as deep as I can and I am stuck for good this time.

I'm so sorry for your situation. I don't know what you have endured, but I see you've suffered a lot. I think you deserve more than cookie-cutter responses when you expressed how you feel, and in most cases, people on this forum listen to others without judgement, and reply in their own words.

The problem is is that it's pointless to even try to fix. Words don't and can't fix any of this, this post won't help, and I'm not sure what can but I know I am quickly losing touch with whatever reality I have left and I would rather CTB than go to a psych ward. I'm to tired to continue attempting repair if I am just treading water anyways.

Thankfully I have a quick and efficient way out.
But I will at least wander towards the dark clouds first and see what happens.

I think words won't "fix" anything, too, so, sorry if my reply makes little sense.
But now you have a quick and efficient way out - so how do you feel now? Relieved?
And, please know that you have voice here as well as choice in your life. People on this forum is very caring.

I guess, the right to die will be the final frontier for our human rights (in my lifetime.)
I hope you achieve what you want to do

Love,
LoiteringClouds

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry that life brought you to this point. I can relate to it in some ways. I guess having a method ready is already relieving. May I ask what's your method? I hope you can find peace!

 

[FuneralCry]

That really sounds so awful and tiring what you've been through but I imagine it must be a relief knowing you have the option to reliably leave so that you aren't so trapped here in this cruel existence. Anyway best wishes.

 

[FinalFrontier]

Hello @FinalFrontier,

I'm so sorry for your situation. I don't know what you have endured, but I see you've suffered a lot. I think you deserve more than cookie-cutter responses when you expressed how you feel, and in most cases, people on this forum listen to others without judgement, and reply in their own words.


I think words won't "fix" anything, too, so, sorry if my reply makes little sense.
But now you have a quick and efficient way out - so how do you feel now? Relieved?
And, please know that you have voice here as well as choice in your life. People on this forum is very caring.

I guess, the right to die will be the final frontier for our human rights (in my lifetime.)
I hope you achieve what you want to do

Love,
LoiteringClouds

Thank you for your response,

I appreciate the people on this forum, most people seem pretty supportive and caring, even if I almost exclusively just lurk here. I feel selfish for even posting though I don't deserve support.

Yeah I'm relieved and my anxiety would be far worse without it, but at the same time it still doesn't help.
I'm just really confused and possibly second guessing things but it is FAR to late to be doing that. But It might be my head. Couple concussions might have worsened some things. I'm tired of constantly thinking and questioning everything and I don't know what I want anymore or what I am.

I'm sorry that life brought you to this point. I can relate to it in some ways. I guess having a method ready is already relieving. May I ask what's your method? I hope you can find peace!

Yeah it brings a sense of relief, a 1911 pistol.
Appreciated that thank you