ladidabi
Losing all hope is freedom.
- Mar 19, 2023
- 44
I have been having more positive days than ever for as long as I can remember. However, I very quickly, and suddenly fall into deep feeling of desperation to disappear. I still find comfort in drinking, or cutting, but have not done that as frequently due to fear of confrontation from my boyfriend. It makes me feel less valid. It also increases my want to ctb, because the pain can be unbearable when I'm forced to just deal with it. I'm in the process of discontinuing Quetiapine due to the high dosage affecting my ability to function at work, and have recently been warned about some risk nobody ever told me about until yesterday (been on it for almost 2 years, increased dosage to
200mg over time).
I'm getting desperate. I get very sudden changes in mood that can happen in literally a second, and lasts throughout the day, sometimes takes multiple days to go away. They are very easy to get triggered. One small comment of inconvenience is enough to completely push me completely to the edge. I respond with backing off from everything, and isolating.
I know I don't have long left, and I hate this uncertainty of time. I know 100% that there is not much for me in a few years, and I'm getting closer by the day. I am reminded by my surroundings that the older I get, the closer I am to offing myself. I have been thinking more and more about my options. I have had wishes of having a family of my own, yet there is still this screaming voice in my head telling me there is no point. First of all, I'm not well, and second of all, I will lose whatever left I have of love and comfort very soon, and I should therefore leave all my plans of even considering some positive changes.
Sobbing as I write this. I feel so much pain and distress in my chest that it's sickening. I can't find a way to let it out. I just want it to end.
200mg over time).
I'm getting desperate. I get very sudden changes in mood that can happen in literally a second, and lasts throughout the day, sometimes takes multiple days to go away. They are very easy to get triggered. One small comment of inconvenience is enough to completely push me completely to the edge. I respond with backing off from everything, and isolating.
I know I don't have long left, and I hate this uncertainty of time. I know 100% that there is not much for me in a few years, and I'm getting closer by the day. I am reminded by my surroundings that the older I get, the closer I am to offing myself. I have been thinking more and more about my options. I have had wishes of having a family of my own, yet there is still this screaming voice in my head telling me there is no point. First of all, I'm not well, and second of all, I will lose whatever left I have of love and comfort very soon, and I should therefore leave all my plans of even considering some positive changes.
Sobbing as I write this. I feel so much pain and distress in my chest that it's sickening. I can't find a way to let it out. I just want it to end.
