It's pathetic knowing how many times I have failed with taking my life in the last few weeks. At least 3 times a day, for the last month, I have failed. Don't get me wrong, I have come close. Yet I always chicken out. I have back up plans for my back up plan. Yet I always bail. I'm guessing it's due to me being stone cold sober every time I attempt. I want out of this world. I want this pain and suffering to be over. I know there's zero chances of my life getting better. Why is following through with my choice to ctb so ridiculously difficult to do? I am an embarrassment. I feel more of a coward for not following through. I hate myself even more for knowing how many times I have failed. I don't want to fail anymore.
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I am so sorry for the pain you are suffering. As a fellow ctb attempt failure. I know how hard it can be. But it's quite natural that our SI kicks in at the last moment. And please, you are not a coward, it is difficult getting over our natural self-preservation mechanism.
orvreader
Member
- Dec 26, 2025
- 27
Don't think yourself a coward for your inherent survival instincts; it's only natural that living beings instinctually try to preserve themselves; it's just that nature hadn't kept up with modern-day problems, so it just does to us what it did for our ancestors.
I seriously wonder how people that have been successful with ctb overcame their si and followed through with their decision. Thats a type if bravery I seem to lack.
