Hi this is just a random vent post lol. I looked back on some old posts of mine here, some from two years ago - and I'd just read on things I used to complain about that made me really sick of life. At the point I started writing here, it had already been a bit over a year since I've broken contact with my ex. He was very abusive towards me. He would coerce me into sex 90% of the time, hell even when we were breaking up he snuck into the shower with me and forced himself on me. I remember just dissociating as it had happened so many times at that point (we were togethre for about 5-6 years. Met him when I was 16 and ended things for good when I was about 20-21). He would threaten to kill himself earlier into our relationship when things would not go his way. He would blame his poor upbringing and lack of connection. It was a mess. That was on top of the stress of academics, family, finding a job, etc. -- things I don't think I am very efficient at handling because I don't have the strength to reach out to what I think is my support system.
But it's been 2 years since my first post. And I'm so tired. I struggle watching tiktoks or any form of media that talks about sexual assault without wanting to throw up. His name gets brought up by my family every now and then because they miss him and how useful he was to them. I know my mother is still curious as to why it happened and I know she asked another family member if they knew why I broke it off behind my back. I think she remains under the impression that I did it because I was bored and it wasnt right to abruptly break it off. My brother was offering a job to him and wondered if i could reach out to him because to his credit, he is a hard worker. But they arent bad people. They just dont know what he did to me. But I cant seem to escape him.
Its one thing that hes brought up externally by mutual friends, family, etc. But i cant go a day without reliving it. Im so exhausted all the time. Sure, id get brief breaks when id be working, playing a game, etc. But i dont even want to be doing any of that. I dont think ive wanted to do anything for a very long time. I take no pleasure in working, drawing, conversing anymore because im always anxious that ill start feeling bad soon and ill spiral again.
I have spoken to many guys over the past year (all online) in a flirty manner because i feel validated and sometimes, for the first month maybe, i feel like it could go somewhere. But i think i have strictly stuck to online men because of the safety of distance. they cant touch me or hurt me if im not in the same country. But i also feel guilty because i know its going to end in us not being together and ive just wasted their time. But i still let them talk to me and exchange flirty texts because its the only way i still feel desired by anyone. I dont htink im wanted outside of that context - outside of utility. If im not being sexual to the men, or useful to my family, i dont htink they would care very much.
I know it seems very jumbled. Im not banking on anyone reading this. I just am tired and confused and have no direction and wanted to write. I also started a new job recently (after 7 months of finding one), and it isnt even remotely related to my college degree. And ill have to be doing this for the rest of my life. Ill die lost, confused, poor, and unstable and theres no way to escape the feeling of being used for my body. I cant even form genuine connections with people in my life anymore and i feel like im pushing eveyrone who wants me out. I odnt know what to do. I just want it to end. Its been so many years and im still as tired and scared as i was when i was 12. I cant anymore.
But it's been 2 years since my first post. And I'm so tired. I struggle watching tiktoks or any form of media that talks about sexual assault without wanting to throw up. His name gets brought up by my family every now and then because they miss him and how useful he was to them. I know my mother is still curious as to why it happened and I know she asked another family member if they knew why I broke it off behind my back. I think she remains under the impression that I did it because I was bored and it wasnt right to abruptly break it off. My brother was offering a job to him and wondered if i could reach out to him because to his credit, he is a hard worker. But they arent bad people. They just dont know what he did to me. But I cant seem to escape him.
Its one thing that hes brought up externally by mutual friends, family, etc. But i cant go a day without reliving it. Im so exhausted all the time. Sure, id get brief breaks when id be working, playing a game, etc. But i dont even want to be doing any of that. I dont think ive wanted to do anything for a very long time. I take no pleasure in working, drawing, conversing anymore because im always anxious that ill start feeling bad soon and ill spiral again.
I have spoken to many guys over the past year (all online) in a flirty manner because i feel validated and sometimes, for the first month maybe, i feel like it could go somewhere. But i think i have strictly stuck to online men because of the safety of distance. they cant touch me or hurt me if im not in the same country. But i also feel guilty because i know its going to end in us not being together and ive just wasted their time. But i still let them talk to me and exchange flirty texts because its the only way i still feel desired by anyone. I dont htink im wanted outside of that context - outside of utility. If im not being sexual to the men, or useful to my family, i dont htink they would care very much.
I know it seems very jumbled. Im not banking on anyone reading this. I just am tired and confused and have no direction and wanted to write. I also started a new job recently (after 7 months of finding one), and it isnt even remotely related to my college degree. And ill have to be doing this for the rest of my life. Ill die lost, confused, poor, and unstable and theres no way to escape the feeling of being used for my body. I cant even form genuine connections with people in my life anymore and i feel like im pushing eveyrone who wants me out. I odnt know what to do. I just want it to end. Its been so many years and im still as tired and scared as i was when i was 12. I cant anymore.
