TheBigGuiltHaver
Member
- Dec 25, 2021
- 34
My mom had all the school related stuff organized in her email, I decided to look back at the emails exchanged during my time in school.
All I could see is just the most obvious problems with hindsight, it's always been about me "not using my time wisely", looking around at other kids and just anything but the work and whenever confronted by a teacher, I continued to act like I was either fine or unsure of the situation.
How could they all be so stupid as to not see a pattern throughout the years? I have ADHD, I have depression, anxiety, autism, etc. You would think with all the years that teachers work at schools that they'd be able to see what was happening clear as day... if they even cared.
In the emails, starting from sixth grade, she's always had my back and always defended that I'm a smart kid, and even teachers acknowledged the same sentiment. I was a good creative writer and that was pointed out, but it was always something getting in the way, it was the early 2010s for fuck sake, mental health and shit like that was coming to the forefront but nobody gave enough of a fuck to see it.
The only time starting middle school and onward that I actually thrived in a class was during alternative math, one-on-one communication, fucking TEACHING, not just saying shit in front of a class daring people to speak in front of the class. The concept of shyness was a thing but I guess anxiety was non-fucking-existent.
Throughout the years, with each email that was sent by my mom, from what I can tell, she just started losing more and more hope. It was always the teachers' fault that I wasn't passing, it was the ways of being schooled, which was all true, but I guess after years of being gaslit into believing that they're trying their best with me, maybe she started thinking that I was the problem.
I can recall starting a couple years before her death when I was in late sophomore year, she started to crack down on me more and more as I was already visibly suffering, and I've expressed that so much but nonetheless, she was seemingly lead to believe that I was the issue... or am I wrong? I don't fucking know, it just looked like it by the way she spoke about me over those years.
None of them fucking thought to bring me to the doctor and just try to prescribe me with some kind of fucking medication, or therapy, or anything. I'm surprised I was sheltered enough to not even seriously consider CTB at that time, maybe I still had hopes and dreams at the time, maybe it's purely that I didn't think of it that seriously, I don't know anymore.
I wish I did it earlier in life, then I wouldn't feel the need to travel across the fucking country to feel right in where I die.
All I could see is just the most obvious problems with hindsight, it's always been about me "not using my time wisely", looking around at other kids and just anything but the work and whenever confronted by a teacher, I continued to act like I was either fine or unsure of the situation.
How could they all be so stupid as to not see a pattern throughout the years? I have ADHD, I have depression, anxiety, autism, etc. You would think with all the years that teachers work at schools that they'd be able to see what was happening clear as day... if they even cared.
In the emails, starting from sixth grade, she's always had my back and always defended that I'm a smart kid, and even teachers acknowledged the same sentiment. I was a good creative writer and that was pointed out, but it was always something getting in the way, it was the early 2010s for fuck sake, mental health and shit like that was coming to the forefront but nobody gave enough of a fuck to see it.
The only time starting middle school and onward that I actually thrived in a class was during alternative math, one-on-one communication, fucking TEACHING, not just saying shit in front of a class daring people to speak in front of the class. The concept of shyness was a thing but I guess anxiety was non-fucking-existent.
Throughout the years, with each email that was sent by my mom, from what I can tell, she just started losing more and more hope. It was always the teachers' fault that I wasn't passing, it was the ways of being schooled, which was all true, but I guess after years of being gaslit into believing that they're trying their best with me, maybe she started thinking that I was the problem.
I can recall starting a couple years before her death when I was in late sophomore year, she started to crack down on me more and more as I was already visibly suffering, and I've expressed that so much but nonetheless, she was seemingly lead to believe that I was the issue... or am I wrong? I don't fucking know, it just looked like it by the way she spoke about me over those years.
None of them fucking thought to bring me to the doctor and just try to prescribe me with some kind of fucking medication, or therapy, or anything. I'm surprised I was sheltered enough to not even seriously consider CTB at that time, maybe I still had hopes and dreams at the time, maybe it's purely that I didn't think of it that seriously, I don't know anymore.
I wish I did it earlier in life, then I wouldn't feel the need to travel across the fucking country to feel right in where I die.
