Venting Reluctant suicide pact.

[HayBunny23]

To start, I'd never make him do anything he doesn't want to do. I plan to kill myself with helium and my hubby has expressed wanting to come with me. This is 100% his free decision and he can leave whenever he wants to. I planned to make a double chamber so we can look at each other while we die. He can take his head out of the bin and walk away at any time; even if it was to call the cops or stop me from being successful. He is free to do what he chooses. That being said..
I'm firm in my decision to die. I've wanted to die for a really long time, and have regretted everything I've done since I failed my first suicide attempt in middle school. In between there and now, I got married. Don't ask me how, it was in some desperate attempt to ease my isolation. It was a mistake to think I should be around anyone, because now I've made him want to die.
I tell him I want to die, he tells me that he doesn't want me to go without him. I don't think he says this to get me to stay here though.. In my eyes, it's more like "okay, are you sure you want this? I'm scared but lets go together."
I don't think he really wants to die deep down though. I feel that he wants to live and be happy with me. He wants to fight and live together and to just be happy. It makes me feel like shit that it's the one thing he wants and I can't give it to him.
He says to me that if I did die, that he would probably just sit around and wait to die himself, thinking about me, and cry. He says I've made him the happiest he has ever been, besides being a very young child. When we met, he was isolated, no one was there for him except for social workers(he is autistic) who didn't care if he lived or died. Because of me, he wouldn't even have the social workers help anymore.
I don't know what to do. I just feel an insane amount of guilt. I'm so sick, I have a mental break down every day. I have a huge gash on my forehead right now from when I smashed it repeatedly into a sink. He tried to stop me, and I physically got up and pushed him off of me. I don't want to ever hurt him. He is the most precious thing I've ever known. I should have controlled myself and stop hurting myself. I know how much it hurts him to watch.
He describes me like a broken stained glass window. He can see what a beautiful piece I once was, the beautiful colors still there... But if you move wrong you'll cut yourself on it or break it more.
It makes me feel like shit
I tell him I'm a garbage human. He says I'm not. I tell him that I abuse him, he says that I don't even hurt him, that i feel all this guilt for no reason. It's fucked up, but I almost think he is stupid or lesser than just because he chooses to love me/ be with me. I guess anyone could argue that someone wanting to kill themselves doesn't have the capacity to make that decision, just because killing yourself is usually seen as a bad thing; and now I'm forcing the same logic on him. That only a mentally insane person would want me. I'm a hypocrite. More guilt more fun.
Lately he talks about having baby fever. Sometimes I imagine that, having a normal life and all the trimmings. I think it would be a beautiful thing to get to know a new person.. I can't live with the guilt of bringing a new consciousness into this world to suffer... On top of probably being an abusive mother. Though sometimes, in my fucked up head, I think about having his baby, then offing myself so hubby wouldn't be lonely without me.
I don't like hurting others, I really don't. I keep doing it though. I feel like that's why I should die. Even if my life gets better, I feel like I'm toxic for everyone else.
I should just die. I'm sorry I'm such a coward. I'm sorry I drag more people thru my shit the longer I go on. I wish it would just stop.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds like a difficult situation to be in, and it must be painful what you have to go through. I would personally never see it as being a good idea for other people to be involved in suicide plans but anyway I wish you the best.

 

[randy]

plan to kill myself with helium and my hubby has expressed wanting to come with me.

This sounds sadly sweet

I tell him I'm a garbage human. He says I'm not. I tell him that I abuse him, he says that I don't even hurt him

Why don't you believe him? Maybe he's right and you're wrong. Would it cause any harm to believe what he says for a few days and see how it feels?

 

[HayBunny23]

This sounds sadly sweet


Why don't you believe him? Maybe he's right and you're wrong. Would it cause any harm to believe what he says for a few days and see how it feels?

Why? I guess an example is that i wake him up in the middle of the night often, even on work nights. I do it because I'm panicking but it doesn't matter. I keep him extremely sleep deprived. He can't function at work properly. Then he says "you're not hurting me". I know sleep deprivation is a form of abuse, yet every day I manage to scream at the top of my lungs in the middle of the night and wake him up.
I feel like I could give tons of examples of, by definition, abusive behavior I've directed toward him. Anyone with knowledge about this stuff would objectively see the behavior and say it's wrong. He says I can't help it, that it's literally a mental disorder.... But I know better. I know better than to do those things, and I do them anyways.

As far as believing him... could you suddenly be told the sky is green and believe it? After being told your whole life what a bad person you are, seeing it, feeling it, living with the consequences of it... Then have one person tell you that it's not true. It doesn't feel right, even if by some miracle it is true.
Even now, my replies are full of excuses of why I keep doing bad stuff instead of just being better.. It really would be better for the world if I die.

 

[randy]

I guess an example is that i wake him up in the middle of the night often, even on work nights. I do it because I'm panicking but it doesn't matter.

I'm willing to bet it makes him happy to help you feel better. Anyway it seems like you don't understand and empathize with how he feels - instead you project your thoughts and feelings on to him. If he woke you up in the middle of the night seeking comfort, how would you feel about it?

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

This may be an unpopular opinion here, but I don't think you have any right to be messing with your husband's brain like you are.

He loves you. Why would you want to hurt someone who loves you so much?

It's not cool to take someone with you. Not wanting to live without you is not the same as not wanting to live. If he wants to ctb, he can do it after you're gone, when it's his decision alone.

I'm not going to tell you what to do regarding yourself. That is a decision only you can make. But there is no such thing as a "reluctant suicide pact." Either you're all in, or all out. And he is not all in. Not yet. No person who is living for another, sleep deprived, being constantly threatened with the loss of his love, can make that decision.

Going through with it and expecting him to bow out at the last minute it is not realistic. He has made it clear that he will do whatever he thinks you need and will sacrifice whatever he has for you. It's no different than a murder/suicide with a gun. And asking him to watch you go is just cruel.

I'm sorry if this is not what you want to hear. But don't take someone else with you when you go.

 

[HayBunny23]

I'm willing to bet it makes him happy to help you feel better. Anyway it seems like you don't understand and empathize with how he feels - instead you project your thoughts and feelings on to him. If he woke you up in the middle of the night seeking comfort, how would you feel about it?

I do understand.. to an extent. Id want him to wake me up too. Then I would probably also be like him, fall asleep standing up and be miserable all day at work. It's honestly a good thing he doesn't drive because he'd probably kill someone..
I don't doubt it makes him happy. That's why I compare our relationship a lot to drugs and a drug addict. I make him happy for 2 seconds while he smokes me but I'm ultimately killing him and causing most of his daily pain and issues.

 

[randy]

I make him happy for 2 seconds while he smokes me

sorry I got a mental image of you being a cigarette and someone smoking you. it was funny

I'm not trying to give you solutions to your problem, just thinking outloud, what if you found another way to comfort yourself without waking him up some nights? Just to give him a break. Would you feel better about yourself?

 

[HayBunny23]

This may be an unpopular opinion here, but I don't think you have any right to be messing with your husband's brain like you are.

He loves you. Why would you want to hurt someone who loves you so much?
And asking him to watch you go is just cruel.

I'm sorry if this is not what you want to hear. But don't take someone else with you when you go.

Tbh, this is exactly the honesty I want to hear. I'm stuck, not sure what to do about it either. I know I'm being extremely abusive and toxic.. it genuinely isn't what I want, but no matter what I've done to get better, I've only made it worse.
I don't want him to die, he has stuff to live for. He makes games, and he is quite good. Even getting to the top charts on a well known amateur game site. You have the point, he can find his own way to die if he decides he truly can't live without me.
I guess the best thing I can do is refuse, break up with him, and send him away so he doesn't have to watch anymore. That's the best I can do without a time machine at this point.
I hope one day he can move on and find someone who can actually love him like he deserves to be loved.

sorry I got a mental image of you being a cigarette and someone smoking you. it was funny

I'm not trying to give you solutions to your problem, just thinking outloud, what if you found another way to comfort yourself without waking him up some nights? Just to give him a break. Would you feel better about yourself?

Yeah, it is pretty funny. Lol it's fine, I'm having a good vent, and good to hear others perspectives. I do appreciate it and I'm sure he appreciates it too.

The issue is I'm not even waking him to comfort me. I literally just start hysterically screaming uncontrollably and slamming my body into stuff; and of course the noise wakes him up. Most of the time, he can't even do anything, just helplessly watch me hurt myself. I hope every night I can stay calm enough and hide in the bathroom furthest from where he is sleeping in an effort to keep from waking him. I won't even listen to anything because I don't know what the trigger is, so I'll just sit in silence for hours until the sun comes up. Even with this, it still happens.
I don't even know why exactly I do this, but I know once my heart starts pounding in my chest a certain way, I'm done for. It's like my soul wants to rip out of my chest, my skin lights on fire, and it's just pure panic at that point.
If it was my choice, I'd never EVER want him to witness that, let alone be woken up for it.

 

[RichardFirst]

I am not a believer in suicide pacts for one very simple reason. What happens is one of you survives? Few methods are 100% effective, and the SI could kick in for one of you. I would not want to wake up after a failed attempt with a dead body in the room. Aside from the emotional trauma, there woudl almost certainly be legal problems if the police get involved.

To me, CTB should be a private affair.